Wednesday, December 15, 2010
i have to say our visit went very well. not only did we get good news, God blessed us with wonderful techs and nurses. i had been warned that the exam could be a little unnerving. just the waiting and unknown. having heard this, i had prayed and prayed that God would bless us with nurses, techs, and doctors that would be sensitive to our situation and needs. that He would grant us peace. and He did just that. the tech that preformed the echo cardiogram was simply wonderful. she talked to us the whole way through and was very sensitive to our situation. while she could not tell us if all was ok or not, she did a wonderful job walking us through...telling us what part of the heart she was looking at and what the echo cardiogram was showing. i am so thankful for her and this huge blessing.
when good things happen, people often say "God is good." and He is. but He is good everyday and in every situation. those words just don't often pass our lips when times are tough or we don't understand something. i have to say today that God is good. He was good yesterday. Today. and He will be tomorrow. thank you for your continued support and love. today we celebrate a healthy baby. we can't wait to meet you little one!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
i will not even to try to sum up this past month. but towards the end of november we did attend the candlelight service at memorial gardens. it was such a nice celebration. they do a wonderful job celebrating the lives of those who have gone before us and celebrating our Savior. Both of our families made the trip up to be with us and to celebrate wyatt's life. it was so very special. i am so thankful to have parents and family who so willingly wrap their arms around us and join us in celebrating our son.
Every year they read this poem entitled Christmas in Heaven by Wanda White. it always brings tears to my eyes, but i love it. i have to admit that while i cannot imagine how wonderful Christmas is in Heaven...i still wish i could celebrate with wyatt. one day.
i will have to post a picture of his marker soon. it is finished and i believe it has been fixed. this is a picture of it the night of the candlelight celebration. so sweet.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
"for you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
"sorrow was beautiful, but her beauty was the beauty of the moonlight shining through the leafy branches of the trees in the wood, and making little pools of silver here and there in the soft green moss below.
when sorrow sang, her notes were like the low sweet call of the nightingale, and in her eyes was the unexpectant gaze of one who has ceased to look for coming gladness. she could weep in tender sympathy with those who weep, but to rejoice with those who rejoice was unknown to her.
joy was beautiful, too, but his was the radiant beauty of the summer morning. his eyes still held the glad laughter of childhood, and his hair had the glint of sunshine's kiss. when joy sang his voice soared upward as the lark's, and his step was the step of a conqueror who has never known defeat. he could rejoice with all who rejoice, but to weep with those who weep was unknown to him.
'but we can never be united,' said sorrow wistfully.
'no, never.' and joy's eyes shadowed as he spoke.
'my path lies through the sunlit meadows, the sweetest roses bloom for my gathering, and the blackbirds and thrushes await my coming to pour forth their moist joyous lays.'
'my path,' said sorrow, turning slowly away, 'leads through the darkening woods; with moonflowers only shall my hands be filled. yet the sweetest of all earth songs-the love song of the night-shall be mine; farewell, joy, farewell.'
even as she spoke they become conscious of a form standing beside them; dimly seen, but of kingly Presence, and a great and holy awe stole over them as they sank on their knees before Him.
'i see Him as the King of Joy,' whispered sorrow, 'for on His head are many crowns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of great victory. before Him all my sorrow is melting away into deathless love and gladness, and i give myself to Him forever.'
'nay, sorrow," said joy softly, 'but i see Him as the King of Sorrow, and the crown on His head is a crown of thorns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of great agony. i too, give myself to Him forever, for sorrow with Him must be sweeter than any joy i have ever known.'
'then we are one in Him,' they cried in gladness, 'for none but He could unite joy and sorrow.'
hand in hand they passed out into the world to follow Him through storm and sunshine, in the bleakness of winter cold and the warmth of summer gladness, as sorrowful yet always rejoicing."
both joy and sorrow have been prominent in our lives over the past year. woven together and never separated. we have experienced pure joy and such sadness over the short life of wyatt. from the celebration of his birth to the sorrow of his condition. from the joy of his recovery to the sorrow of his journey. from the joy for his new life with our Father in Heaven and the sorrow of being left behind. the two have never been separated. how great is our Father that we can experience both simultaneously. that we are not overcome with joy to be let down to sorrow. that we are not hopeless in sorrow and have reason to believe joy is coming in the morning.
wyatt, we miss you so very much, but we celebrate your life and the lives you have forever changed. we celebrate as sorrowful yet always rejoicing. happy first birthday to a boy who has touched many beyond his years. we love you!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Thursday, July 8, 2010
i just loved this and really wanted to share it. i know this verse can apply to so many of us in so many different situations. but ultimately, it is nice to be reminded that HE is not far.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
on another note, i want to send you over to my dear friend sarah's blog. her daughter, mamie, was born a sleeping angel last june. sarah has been such a wonderful friend and support since we lost wyatt. in honor of mamie, she has teamed up with a local pottery store to create and provide plates for moms and dads who have lost children. i am so impressed! and i cannot tell you how special this will be for all of these parents. i know wyatt's hand and feet prints are some of my favorite keepsakes. they mean so much to me. while i love his blankets and the few clothes he got to wear, his prints are a part of him. i know the plates will mean the world to the parents who receive them. way to go sarah! i am so very proud of you and mamie!!! the link to her site is: http://www.adamsfamilylr.blogspot.com/
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
i have really had such a wonderful time with friends and family lately, but i have become painfully aware that our appearance of "being o.k." sends a confusing message. which i totally understand. grief is so different for all of us. there are times that ryan will tell me things that are hard for him that i had not even thought of. there are times i am sure i tell ryan things that are hard for me that he never would have thought of. for example, shopping :) this used to come so naturally, but i have to admit that it has been a hurdle i have had to make my way around. it seems so silly, but for so long i had envisioned myself hanging out with wyatt strolling through stores and enjoying ourselves, that it has been a true battle for me. there are so many everyday life things that have been unexpectedly difficult. things i never would have thought of i had not been placed here. and to be honest, i am still very sensitive to the loss of wyatt and not being able to watch him grow up or take care of him. i miss him very much. so thank you for your continued support and prayers. i truly appreciate them.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Friday, May 14, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
today has been such a bitter sweet day. ryan, my mom, dad, sister, avery, and i headed out to devil's den to "hike" and get out of the house. it was so nice to be with family on such a difficult day. it was nice to be outside and not idol at home. there is something about being outside that makes you feel more alive. i have received so many texts, cards, and words of encouragement today. thank you. i can't even begin to tell you how sweet it is to receive letters and messages wishing me a happy mother's day. it's nice to know others are thinking of us today, but it is especially nice to be called mom. i have wonderful friends who so sweetly remind me that i am and always will be wyatt's mom. and yet while i know this, and am so proud of this, i do not feel like a mom. my arms are empty and i feel helpless. miles away from the one who would call me mom. never to hear his sweet voice cry out for me. i feel like there are so many things a mom does for their child and yet i cannot do anything for mine. i cannot hold him, take care of him, i cannot look into his big eyes and tell him how much i love him, i cannot teach him about life and watch him grow. i long for these moments with him. i simply long to BE his mom.
my heart aches with all of my sweet friends who have lost their precious babies. i look forward to the day we are all in Heaven holding our little ones.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
here we were cheering the hogs on...hence my razorback shirt and his red socks. this is the day i found out it was ok for him to wear clothes. i was soooo excited, i slipped out while dad baby sat and tried to find him something red for our big date that night...obviously i came home empty handed...but hey he had red socks :)
Monday, April 12, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
we brought Wyatt's easter lily to the cemetery today. better late than never :) it was so beautiful there. the grass is green, a great deal of the markers have flowers, and the birds were chirping. as i was standing there by his grave, i couldn't help but notice the birds and flowers. but it is funny that no matter how beautiful is, it cannot take this pain away. i love the sunshine and beauty spring brings...but at times, it is just a distraction. a distraction i am certainly thankful for, but a distraction none the less. i only wish it could take away the sting of death.
so for now, i will enjoy these somewhat lighter days. for the only thing i have learned about grief is that it usually comes in waves and is extremely unpredictable.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
So you can only imagine the sickness that fell over me the evening Wyatt was rushed back to CVICU east to prepare for surgery. We were no longer safe and I was helpless. There was not a thing I could do to help my son but pray....and watch as his fragile life slipped from our hands as the doctors prepared him for his unexpected emergency surgery.
And while this is such a difficult lesson to learn, I have learned something so very important. A lesson I would not have learned any other way. I have learned that while I was sure...sure...I knew God's plan for me. I did not. I still do not. But I do know that He does not waste a single breath. So while, my eyes were focused on our future and where we were going and what God was GOING TO do with us. I forgot to see what He WAS DOING with us.
Numbers 9:23 writes about how the Israelites traveled and camped and God guided them. In my Life Application Bible it goes on to discuss how when you follow God's guidance you are right where you are supposed to be...all the time...whether it is sitting still or moving forward. It also talks of how we often pray for God to show us what He wants us to do next or prepare us for where we are going...but instead, maybe we should ask God "What do you want me to do while I am RIGHT here?" God places us right where we are for a purpose. I have learned that there are a thousand different ways to get to the same location....but God puts me on the path I am on right now to serve a purpose this very day. I hope not to waste a single breath waiting on God to show me where I am going, but spend my time focusing on the now.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Monday, March 8, 2010
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
I'll be sure to post a few pictures from our trip!
Right now I am still trying to warm back up to being home alone. It's odd how we were only away five days but I have to readjust to a quiet house. I realize Wyatt never got to come home with us, but for some reason the quiet can be so painful. I just expect noise and crying and a baby to take care of. It's like I was telling a friend the other day it is so weird that we only had five weeks with him...but we will never be "normal" without him. Ryan and I have almost been married for seven years and up until we had Wyatt we were satisfied with just each other....and yet we can't seem to find contentment again. Not with each other, but with the whole we feel in our hearts. There is obviously something missing and our lives can't and won't return to the way things used to be. And while this sounds terrible, I have to say, I am glad. I don't want to return to life as if everything is normal....it is not. But also, it makes me think...think about God's plans for us. I really feel as though He is trying to tell me just be still because He can and will restore us. Maybe not on my time schedule, but He loves us so much that He will not leave our hearts bleeding here....He will restore us and make us whole again. Oh thank you God! In Bible study this morning we talked about how trust comes before something happens while thanks comes after something happens. As I sit here, I realize that I have to put my trust in God and His plans for us....which is right where I want to be...trusting Him. Not merely thanking Him after I get what I want. We also talked about it is inherit to have a longing while waiting for something...otherwise is not a wait. How true. I will certainly remember this as I wait on the Lord to restore and heal us...for I am certain HE WILL.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Whew, I almost want to shout "Amen" after all that :) While I am sure the girls in Bible study think I am on the edge of crazy...I am finding that I just on the edge of what God is trying to teach me and just beginning my journey to my destiny.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Friday, February 12, 2010
As I was doing my Bible study yesterday, I was reading about fear. While this is something that I will have to continuously fight, with God's help, I understand that I have to let Him bring me to a place where I trust Him...completely. There are brief moments that I am overcome with this peace...but there are certainly times my human nature allows me to experience pure fear. The study I am doing talked about how it is natural for us to plead for God to protect us from terrible things. And that when our fears become our reality we feel forsaken. This really makes me think...think about how we begged and pleaded for God to spare Wyatt's life and how our deepest fear became our reality. How it has made me question prayer and truly made me analyze my faith...but all of this analyzing and questioning has allowed my faith to grow deeper and stronger. I realize that I am not in control. That my life is not layed out the way I had planned...that to survive all of this...I have to trust God...alone. As I grieve, I often remind myself that God does not want to hurt his children. That there is redemption and fulfillment in living a life that honors our God our Savior. I look forward to this day.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
To begin, I had to have c-section...not planned, but hey this was just the beginning of God teaching a "planner" to let go. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I totally believe God had a reason for all of this...when Wyatt was born we did not know he had a heart defect. In fact, he had a very strong heartbeat in my womb and besides missing it on the ultrasound there was no other way to know of his condition. To make a long story a little shorter, I was induced the day after his due date...August 18th. I went all day on petocin and never made any progress...I'm not sure I even dilated past a one. Yikes! So, around six that evening we decided to have a c-section. I often wonder if Wyatt would have even made it through labor had we not. He never appeared sick or fragile (well maybe a little with all his tubes in the NICU and CVICU...but never puny) but I can't help but think God was just buying us time with him. I am just forever thankful that God had other plans...plans for us to spend time with our little boy.
Our next blessings presented themselves at Children's. We had the most wonderful and caring doctors and nurses. Friends and friends of friends had called people they knew that worked there...and we were surrounded by people who knew us or knew of us. Which I have to admit, was extremely comforting. We were unable to hold Wyatt in the NICU due to all of his tubes and the risk of moving him...however, the night before his surgery, God placed Wyatt in the care of a nurse who had attended the same high school as us. She had watched over Wyatt a lot that week. In fact, she was with him and with Ryan the day I arrived...I can't even begin to tell you comforting that was! But the night before surgery, she allowed/insisted that Ryan and I hold our precious baby. We had only held him for a short time after he was born since he was born so late and then taken in the middle of the night. So, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to not only hold him in our arms, but hold him before his surgery. Thank you God for placing us in the care of such a wonderful nurse!
Obviously, there is so much more...such as his successful surgery and success in recovery. But to lead up to the purpose of my post, I have to tell you that last February I took pictures of a little boy who was also diagnosed with a congenital heart defect soon after his birth. This sweet little boy was the poster child for the American Heart Association's Heart Gala last year. His mom was a teacher, as was I. So, I while I did not really know her, I knew of her and had met her through several friends. I was very interested in their family and their story and truly honored to take pictures of this handsome little boy. I also ended up taking family pictures of them in the summer before I had Wyatt. Well, as soon as she heard about Wyatt and his condition she was sending us texts and calling us in Little Rock to check in on us and offer support...as she had walked down the same halls, sat in the same waiting rooms, and lived in the same hospital as us. She knew the road we were traveling and the weight we carried as we fought for our child's life. I remember walking in the hospital one evening and receiving a text from her asking if we had met a particular nurse. What were the odds? He was our nurse that evening! I remember being so relieved as she told me how much they loved him...it always made me nervous when we would be assigned new nurses...you just get used to them and it is so hard to leave your child's life in someone else's hands...anyways, she continued to call and text throughout our stay in Little Rock. And since we have been back, Ryan and I have gone to eat with her and her husband and had the chance to get to know each other better. Which I am so thankful for! She has been volunteering for the American Heart Association...as this is close to her heart...so another long story a little shorter....She gave my name to the Heart Association here and I was able to volunteer to take pictures this morning of all of the sweethearts for the Heart Gala this coming May. The girls looked absolutely beautiful and their pictures will be in a local magazine. They will also be recognized at the gala in May. Ryan and I are planing on attending the gala with our new friends...the parents of last year's poster child....we absolutely cannot wait! So, today was a good day...a day to give back and be thankful. Thankful for the way God has been wrapping His loving arms around us and thankful for the way He continues to work and show himself in our lives. I feel so honored to have been able to help today and to be so loved from our Father in Heaven...to see that He never takes His eyes or hands off of us.