Thursday, June 17, 2010

10 months

it's hard to believe that tomorrow wyatt would be 10 months old. i'm not really sure where the time has gone. i keep finding myself thinking of things we should be doing and how big he would be. i think about how i would be working on his birthday party...i know it would still be 2 months away, but i have day dreamed about his birthday since we found out we were pregnant. i was so excited he would be born in august...i wanted to have all of our friends and family over to celebrate. i wanted to be outside soaking it all in. now instead, i dread this day. i can't help but cry every time i think about how we are going to make it through. i know we will though. just like every other day. i think i spend more time getting anxious and upset over days and then when they arrive we survive. just like every other day. i think i hoped that there was something magical about a year and that once we had made it through all of the firsts life would be easier. sadly, i realize that this is not totally true. there is nothing magical about a year. it is just a year without my sweet boy. i am sure with time the pain will lessen, but there is not a schedule or a time frame from which i can expect this. i am learning more and more everyday how to rely on God. i am to a point, that i am too tired to make it on my own. i know there are days i push Him away. not always on purpose, but sometimes to "protect" myself. i cannot lie, it is tiring to pour your heart out all the time...and so at times, i build a wall. but these are the days i feel Him the closest. i love that He knows my heart and while i may get defensive with Him He knows that i love him and need him. i love that He loves me despite my emotions. what an awesome father.


  1. Yes, what an awesome father. Love you, girl.

  2. thinking about you and ryan and praying for you all!! love you, julie mckinney scarborough

  3. Oh, Jessica, my heart hurts for you. I just said to David that tomorrow Wyatt would be 10 months old and then checked your blog and read this post. I wish that there was some kind of magic with making it through the first year that somehow made it hurt a little less. I'm thankful that you feel God even in the midst of your pain. You amaze me daily. Love to you and Ryan.