Wednesday, November 25, 2009

power of prayer

Today I woke painfully aware that the holidays are approaching. I never expected this to stir up so much emotion, but it certainly has. The hurt is much deeper and I feel completely empty. I want nothing more than to have Wyatt here, celebrating with our families. While we were in the hospital, I would think of Christmas a lot. I would think of how anxious I was for it to get here. I just knew by that time, we would be home with our little boy. Everything would be calm and peaceful. I was ready to shop for him and wake up on Christmas morning and just hold him close. Instead, I wonder around empty handed with a heavy heart. Something is definitely missing and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. It nags at me with every passing minute. Instead of holding my little boy, I am planing on attending services and memorials to honor him. Who would of thought that I would not have my little one here...that I would be lighting candles and standing in services in remembrance. Ryan and I found out that were pregnant in December...we told our families of our little one on Christmas Eve. The pain is almost unbearable. I never thought we would be this lonely place. Not for a minute. So I bow my head in prayer...knowing this is the only way I will survive this season...this season of life. While the hurt is constant and demanding, I will have to have hope. Just this morning I was reading about the power of prayer. God truly knows my heart...the book talked about how avoiding prayer creates anxiety, which in hand, causes us to avoid peace. I need to have an active and intimate prayer life. Satan knows that "prayerless lives are powerless lives, while prayful lives are powerful lives." Oh how I love this! I long for a powerful life! I also loved how Beth Moore talked about how our society minimizes difficulties because "it has no real answers." Isn't that the truth?! I know we want to brush things under the rug and keep moving...somethings are just too BIG. They will simply not fit...therefore, we must face them head on... We will only find peace through prayer. Beth Moore also says that, "we must walk with Christ step-by-step through this journey for the sake of protection, power, and a resulting unparalleled passion in our lives." "Prayer matters. The Spirit of God released through our prayers and the prayer of others turns cowards into conquerors, chaos into calm, cries into comfort." What peace I find in these words! So, I surrender life...and fall to my knees.

"Do not be anxious about anything,
but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
Philippians 4:6-7

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


Yea! I opened the mail today and surprise...I had more verses! What a treat!

I am reading a couple books right is called Praying God's Word Day By Day by Beth Moore. A super dear friend gave it to me. Anyways, today I read that "If God has allowed something difficult to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily, if the child lets Him." What a comforting thought! So remember this when something difficult happens in your life. I truly hope to be aware and let God use this situation mightily.

Monday, November 23, 2009

pure sweetness

Today has been a sweet day...a very busy day, but a day that has been full of moments of pure sweetness. I had several shoots today...I usually try to spread them out a little, but today I did not. So I am worn out. But, I have to say I was very happy to be outside was beautiful. One of the little boys that I was taking pictures of told his mom that he prays for us every Sunday in Sunday School...I have had several sessions with their family and it just filled me with joy. His name is Wyatt as we all know how special he is :) How sweet of a child to remember us in their prayers!

And on top of that, a friend just brought this mini cake over...isn't that sweet?! How special! I shed tears of joy! How sweet of a friend to be thinking of us and Wyatt on this day. He is so loved!

I have been thinking a lot about Wyatt has been in Heaven for 2 months now. It is just amazing. I wonder where these last few months have gone. I remember all to well the night that Jesus welcomed Wyatt home. I remember praying and begging to God on our knees. Pleading for Him to carry him through one more surgery. I remember thinking everything was ok and that our lil' man had fought through yet another procedure...only to be told moments later that his sweet little body gave in. Those moments will haunt me forever.

I think days like today are similar to mile markers on a long journey. You certainly notice them, but they are small in comparison to the journey ahead. The further you get from home the more homesick you get. You are excited and anxious about your destination point, but know you are so very far from getting there. I certainly notice these mile markers, but know we are so far from our destination. And yes, I get more homesick day by day. Homesick for my son and for Heaven. And while I know we will get there one day, I am anxious and tired of the travel. I just have to keep "playing" the games and keeping myself busy along the way. I have to try to make the time pass a little faster.

I know that God was perfectly able to save Wyatt and pull him through...but He chose not to bring healing to Wyatt on this Earth. This does not anger me...Yes, I am heart broken, but not angry. I know deep down that God has a plan and He will be glorified through our sufferings.

So...Happy Two Months in Heaven my precious little boy! I love you!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

in our Father's hands

Today I received the first verses for my canvas...what a sweet happiness they brought me! Thank you! I am going to keep them Wyatt's sweet hands until it is time to put the canvas together.

Today has been a rather tough day. A day I cannot seem to catch my breathe. My body aches from the tears I have cried. They seem to pour like rain today. Strong and steady. Tomorrow Wyatt will have been in Heaven with our Father for two months. I feel as though he just left me. My heart aches so deeply for him.

Today I will have to draw strength from our Father. For I cannot carry this load alone.

"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
Isaiah 41:29-31

Thursday, November 19, 2009


Have I told you guys how blessed I feel to be surrounded by such wonderful friends and family?! Seriously, it doesn't get any better than this! My sweet sister sends me verses and texts EVERYDAY. Not to mention a handful of phone calls as well. I have a wonderful friend who checks in with me and plans little getaways...she'll even just come over to run errands and cook. And my sweet sister-in-law sends me messages and poems...which is where this one came from. I love it! And how TRUE. I can't wait to see my little boy and hold him tight! I think I will run STRAIGHT to him! Thank you girls for keeping up with me and for holding my hand when I need it most! I love all of you!
When I Finally Come to Glory
by Fran Morgan
I need a favor, Blessed Mother,
Could you help me with this please?
It's concerning your son, Jesus
So I'm praying on my knees.
When I finally come to Glory
And I see the Promised Land
I envision Jesus smiling,
Reaching out His loving hand.
He will be so glad to see me
When I finally arrive.
For I proclaim His name on earth
Each day that I'm alive.
He will want to keep His promise,
Bring me straight to Father God,
And to the Holy Spirit,
But, O Mother...this is hard.
For my child will be there cheering
As I come through Heaven's Gate.
And I know you know my heart's desire
I'm afraid that when I see my son
I'll forget the protocol,
And run to hold him in my arms,
Bypassing One and All!
We will smile and laugh together,
And dance around with glee!
To touch his curls, and kiss his face
Is what Heaven means to me.
So will you, Blessed Mother
Please explain me to your Son?
Because you have a mother's heart
You KNOW to whom I'll run.
Make it right with the Creator
And the Blessed Trinity,
I'm afraid I'll fly right past Them
When my golden son I see.
I don't want to shock the Angels
Or to scandalize the Saints,
Or to have my Day of Glory
Be the day all Heaven faints!
I have borne what God has sent me,
Praised and thanked Him through life's worst,
And, if Heaven is my just reward,
Let me see my baby FIRST.
Then I'll join the Angels singing
As I praise God with my boy
To be finally reunited
With my son... and God of joy!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

work of heart

Ok… I don’t know exactly how I am going to pull this off…but I am going to get started. I have been thinking a lot about all of the verses that have been sent our way. Scripture that has been prayed for us or that has been laid on your heart. They all mean so much to me! I so desperately want to be able to look at all of them and remember where they came from. They are such encouragement especially on days I don’t even know where to begin. So, I have decided to create a canvas with all of the verses that you have felt led to send our way…we’ll call it a work of heart . I most definitely do not want anyone to go out in search of a verse, but if you come across one while you are reading that pulls at your heart and makes you think of us or Wyatt I want to ask you to write it on a piece of paper and mail it to me. I thought I would make it easier and just let everyone email them, but I want the canvas to be special and that means that your hand prints need to be all over it! Please don’t worry about sending it on fancy paper…just plain white computer paper is great. Also, I ask that you please sign your name under the verse so I can always remember who sent it. Thanks so much! I am really anxious to see how this turns out! I will keep you posted!

"All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
2 Timothy 3:16-17

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


As I was opening my book to begin my Bible study for today, I read over a little of my last study… “We tend to run to God for temporary relief. God is looking for people who will walk with Him in steadfast belief. Choose to believe. Those who trust in Him will not be put to shame.” (Beth Moore) I am sure I read this just the other day, but today as I was reading it out of context it really struck me. And I know I am so guilty of this! I praise God when times are good and I seek Him when times are tough and the cycle continues…but, it is truly something different to seek Him and walk with Him in STEADFAST belief. I do believe in God…but at times I do not BELIEVE God. There are days when there is no light at the end of the tunnel…those are the days I believe in God, but do not BELIEVE God. I know that He will never give us more than we can handle. But, I am fully aware that He will give us more than we would ever want to handle.
I was crying to a friend the other day and she was telling me how truly sorry that she was and how she knows there are no words to heal our hurt…and she said it is hard to know what to say… that in so many hardships there is scripture you can turn to…scripture you can repeat quietly to yourself to get you through that situation….and that she was at a lack of where to turn. So, I will tell you. While there are days I wish I could be guaranteed or promised good in the near future, I know there are NO guarantees. But I do know there is hope. And right now, that will have to satisfy my soul. Today I am going to concentrate on Philippians 3:13-14 “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Now I will NEVER forget Wyatt…not even for a moment, but I will try my best not to be held captive by my grief. To remember and seek God’s will in my life. So while I have been given more than I ever would have wanted to handle, I do BELIEVE that God has a plan. A plan much bigger than I can fathom.

Psalm 70:5
Yet I am poor and needy;
come quickly to me, O God.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O Lord, do not delay.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

thank you

Today has been a much better day. I just want to say "thank you" to everyone who has called, sent texts, emails, and lifted up prayers. They are certainly being heard. It is so encouraging to receive messages from friends...I read them over and over and feel so loved. Thank you! God is truly using you to restore and strengthen us.

"For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones." Psalm 37:28

Friday, November 13, 2009

going through the motions

I woke up this morning with a feeling of emptiness. I thought I would not sit down to write today...but, I want to be honest and know that if I hide these feelings I am not helping anyone...including myself. The end of the week tends to be more difficult. It is like we fight all week just to get through...and it is exhausting. Totally exhausting. By the end of the week we are so worn down that is hard to be strong. It is hard to be ok. Today I struggle with why I cannot have my baby. I know that I may have to wait a lifetime for the answer to this question...but it doesn't make it go away. I feel so lonely and a piece of me is missing. There is so much baby is not here and I feel as though I am merely existing...that I am simply going through the motions. At night, I find myself acknowledging that we have made it through another if this is an accomplishment to survive one day at a time. This makes me so sad. I want to enjoy life, not count down days. I know these feelings will fade. They always do. But they always come back as well. My heart and soul ache for Wyatt. It is such a deep and acute pain. One I would never wish on anyone...yet, I know there are so many who long for their babies as I do. So many of our friends who have lost their little ones. It breaks my heart. But, I am so glad that they are all in Heaven together. As a mom, you worry about your little one being alone...and I know that he is not. He is so far from alone. I know that he is well taken care of and very happy...I only wish that I could be the one to take care of him. There is so much pain and suffering, yet I would not trade one bit of it. I would go through all of this again...knowing the end...just to spend those five weeks with Wyatt.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Today I am so thankful for a lighter day. A day that I can think of Wyatt and cry tears of joy...he brings pure happiness to my heart and I feel so blessed to call him my son. I was given this poem at the doctors office...I absolutely love it. It reminds me that while Wyatt is my son, he was never really mine...he is a child of God...just like you and I. I think we get so caught up in OUR lives that we often forget that we are merely our Father's child. That while we think we are in control or think we should be in control...we are not. Our children are gifts and blessings from above....visitors if you will. We have just been selected to watch over them during their stay here on earth. Unfortunately, we do not get to decide how long their stay will be...but are to love them and cherish them no matter how long we have with them. blessed I feel to have been hand picked by our Father to be Wyatt's mom! I don't want to make you jealous...but I feel so blessed :)
To all Parents
Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.
It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!”
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

sweet memories

Last night I had dinner with a very close friend. It was so nice to get away...we talked about Wyatt and the special memories I have of him. She was telling me how much she regretted not coming to Little Rock to visit him. And while I absolutely hate that so many of our closest friends did not have the opportunity to meet our precious angel, I believe that you know him very well. That even though you were not able to hold him tightly in your arms, you have carried him in your heart. What a blessing! I sincerely believe that everyone of our friends carries a piece of him as Ryan and I do.

So today, I wanted to share some of my sweet memories of lil' Wyatt. It was always the little things that stole my heart. My sweetest memories are of the time I spent holding him all cuddled up in a big blue blanket in our chair/bed. We did not have any of his baby blankets with us, but had been given some blankets in a gift basket sent by some wonderful people. I would get up with Ryan every morning and try to quickly get ready for the day (Ryan worked out of a branch in Little Rock while we were there) I had to be ready to take care of Wyatt and ready for our 'visitors.' You never knew when the doctors or nurses would be coming in...some days the doctors made rounds at 6:30 a.m. other days they visited around 9:00 a.m. so, you always had to be ready :) But, I would hurry and get ready and then sit and hold Wyatt. Oh I loved to wake up and just sit with him. The room could be completely empty...yet so quiet and so full of peace and love. It was our special time together. Which may be why I am still so anxious to go sit in his room when I get up in the mornings. I really miss our quiet and precious time together!

I also loved his tiny little chin...he had the biggest cheeks and this itty bitty chin...I LOVED IT! We would laugh because he looked so chubby when you had wrapped him in his blankets. He was really pretty long and lean. I remember Ryan calling me soon after Wyatt had landed in Little Rock and telling me how he had a swimmers body...and Ryan was ever so proud of the definition he had in his chest. We certainly had big plans for him.

I remember his sweet eyes and lips. So innocent, yet so full of life and meaning. I remember the way he would hold your finger ever so strong his grip had gotten over time. I loved the way he would stretch with both of his arms in the air, the way he would let out a single cry just to make sure you knew he was there. I loved the way he would startle and throw his hands in the air every few minutes. I absolutely loved the way he would pout and stick his entire lower lip out...he had everyone wrapped around his finger and he knew it!

Wyatt loved to be held and rocked...he loved to be close. So, while I know he is not physically close, he is very close to our hearts. I am so thankful for our sweet little boy...our perfect little angel. I am ever so proud of the fight he put up and for the way he has touched so many of our lives. He is truly a gift from God and a blessing to all of us who carry him in our hearts! I love you sweet Wyatt...I always will!

Monday, November 9, 2009

Prince of Peace

Today Ryan and I had an appointment with a geneticist in Little Rock. I have to admit that while we did not expect to hear that Wyatt's condition was genetic (we had already heard that 2 tests they had run at Children's had come back normal) it was still a relief to hear again. We were basically told that given our families history and due to Wyatt's normal test results, the odds of recurrence will increase, but not significantly. And when I say that the odds of recurrence will increase I do not mean his specific condition, but the odds of having another baby with a congenital heart defect. Apparently there is a 1% chance of having a baby with a congenital heart defect. And now that we have had a child with a congenital heart defect, the chances of having another increases from 1% to 3-5%. This is definitely an answered prayer.

My Bible study tonight was on experiencing God's appropriate once more. I feel as though Ryan and I have certainly been blessed with God's peace these past few months. I know that the hurt is real, but I also know that if we completely surrender to Christ's authority and put our trust in Him, we will receive His peace. As I think and process all that we have been through I wonder how we have made it. I know we would never have made this journey so far had God not been close. The circumstances have been unpleasant, but we have never felt alone or abandoned. We have had such peace. Enough peace to carry us through, but also enough peace to enjoy our time with our precious son. What a gift! So, I have full confidence that while God carried us through those difficult days, He will continue to do so in the days to come. He will never leave us. What a wonderful God!

Saturday, November 7, 2009

handle with care

As the day winds down, I feel so thankful...thankful for friends and family who have stood by us and at times carried us during this difficult time. I have been thinking a lot about our needs and our friends lately. I am sure that at times you feel as helpless as we do. Like there is nothing you can say or do to heal our pain...and you are right. There are no words to take this deep hurt away. However, just being with us and reminding us that there is good here on earth is healing. It may not take away the pain, but eases it at times. One of my very close friends has told me that she knows that she cannot take the pain away, but can provide a little sunshine here and there...and she is so right. I am painfully aware that it may feel awkward to be around everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room. Please know that we are comforted by friends and please do not feel awkward. Our needs change moment by moment. We absolutely LOVE to talk about Wyatt. He is our son and just as any proud parent, we enjoy getting to share our memories of him. So, please do not be hesitant to talk about him or ask questions. We are AlWAYS thinking about him so please do not be afraid to bring him up. There may be days that we share our tears with you. Just know that if we do cry it not because of something you have said or done. We often try to hide our true feelings or tears to protect you and keep you from our pain. Please do be afraid if we cry. We are fact, just know that we are sharing our true feelings with you and that we feel comfortable letting down in front of you. If there is anything not to do, it is to act as though he did not exist. He is a HUGE part of our lives and always will be. And while we do NEED and enjoy talking about him, there are times we just want to be 'normal.' Whatever that means. We feel so far from ok or normal right now, but having time to kind of get away and just talk and relax is so nice as well. A little vacation from the hurt if you will.

If you are curious about how we are doing, we are surviving. I can't think of a better way to put it. Life is hard right now. I will not lie. There are days that I feel as though I cannot catch my breath. That just living takes everything out of me. Then there are days, when I feel a little lighter and make it through the day with an occasional smile or laugh. And while the ok or lighter days are few and far between, I suspect that there will be more of those days and less of the unbearable days in time. I think that many people think that with time we are healing and "getting better." And I so desperately wish I could say we are. However, as time passes, the pain seems to deepen. The shock is slowly wearing off. Everyday we have to wake up and face another day without our precious son. This is something we never could have prepared ourselves for. Each day we are reminded that not only is Wyatt not here, he is not coming back. We constantly think of what we would/should be doing with him at that very moment. There is so much grief for not having him here, but also for the things we will never get to do with him. Oh how we would love to see him smile, hear him say his first word, watch him play in the yard, make friends, etc. What I would give to have him in my arms again. There is such an emotional and physical pain. I want so badly to feel the weight of his tiny little body to whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love him. I want to know that he hears me and that he knows how much he means to us.

So, as our friends, please know that while we need to be handled with care, we do need you...we need you to hold our hands at times, we need you to listen to us, to be with us, and at times to laugh and smile with us. We simply need you. Thank you for being here.

Friday, November 6, 2009


Several years ago I did a Beth Moore Bible study with a very dear friend. The study was incredible and I do not think I have ever felt closer to God. As I sit here today, having been through so much these past few months I have been drawn back to this study. The study was called "Believing God" and was focused on our appropriate at a time like this. I am reminded that we were created to please our Heavenly Father. Hebrews 11:6 says, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." What a comforting thought. Yet, so simple and difficult at times. So, I begin today reminding myself what faith is...."Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1 Today I will focus on faith and rely on my Heavenly Father to sustain and heal our broken hearts...I believe that God is who He says He is. I believe that God is big...that He alone is Big enough for me and the pain in which I carry. I am so thankful to believe in a God who is simply enough.