Saturday, November 7, 2009

handle with care

As the day winds down, I feel so thankful...thankful for friends and family who have stood by us and at times carried us during this difficult time. I have been thinking a lot about our needs and our friends lately. I am sure that at times you feel as helpless as we do. Like there is nothing you can say or do to heal our pain...and you are right. There are no words to take this deep hurt away. However, just being with us and reminding us that there is good here on earth is healing. It may not take away the pain, but eases it at times. One of my very close friends has told me that she knows that she cannot take the pain away, but can provide a little sunshine here and there...and she is so right. I am painfully aware that it may feel awkward to be around everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room. Please know that we are comforted by friends and please do not feel awkward. Our needs change moment by moment. We absolutely LOVE to talk about Wyatt. He is our son and just as any proud parent, we enjoy getting to share our memories of him. So, please do not be hesitant to talk about him or ask questions. We are AlWAYS thinking about him so please do not be afraid to bring him up. There may be days that we share our tears with you. Just know that if we do cry it not because of something you have said or done. We often try to hide our true feelings or tears to protect you and keep you from our pain. Please do be afraid if we cry. We are fact, just know that we are sharing our true feelings with you and that we feel comfortable letting down in front of you. If there is anything not to do, it is to act as though he did not exist. He is a HUGE part of our lives and always will be. And while we do NEED and enjoy talking about him, there are times we just want to be 'normal.' Whatever that means. We feel so far from ok or normal right now, but having time to kind of get away and just talk and relax is so nice as well. A little vacation from the hurt if you will.

If you are curious about how we are doing, we are surviving. I can't think of a better way to put it. Life is hard right now. I will not lie. There are days that I feel as though I cannot catch my breath. That just living takes everything out of me. Then there are days, when I feel a little lighter and make it through the day with an occasional smile or laugh. And while the ok or lighter days are few and far between, I suspect that there will be more of those days and less of the unbearable days in time. I think that many people think that with time we are healing and "getting better." And I so desperately wish I could say we are. However, as time passes, the pain seems to deepen. The shock is slowly wearing off. Everyday we have to wake up and face another day without our precious son. This is something we never could have prepared ourselves for. Each day we are reminded that not only is Wyatt not here, he is not coming back. We constantly think of what we would/should be doing with him at that very moment. There is so much grief for not having him here, but also for the things we will never get to do with him. Oh how we would love to see him smile, hear him say his first word, watch him play in the yard, make friends, etc. What I would give to have him in my arms again. There is such an emotional and physical pain. I want so badly to feel the weight of his tiny little body to whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love him. I want to know that he hears me and that he knows how much he means to us.

So, as our friends, please know that while we need to be handled with care, we do need you...we need you to hold our hands at times, we need you to listen to us, to be with us, and at times to laugh and smile with us. We simply need you. Thank you for being here.


  1. sweet jessica and ryan - thank you so much for sharing wyatt with us. i cannot put into words how deeply he has etched himself into our hearts. you are right, there are no words - i so desperately wish it could be that simple. we love you so much.....and, as painful as this journey is for even us - we are happy that you've allowed us to come along.....

    precious wyatt has impacted us in such a massively huge way....we will carry him with us too...

  2. Jessica,
    I am so glad you started this blog. I hurt for you both so badly. I am glad to know how we can pray for you everyday. I miss sweet Wyatt after reading your post and I never held his sweet body. I can't imagine your pain, but please know no one has forgotten him or will. He has impacted our lives and friends' lives here in OH that we have shared your story with. I pray God does bring you more light days and less days where it seems almost impossible to breathe. Praying he will give you the strength you need to get through each moment. Thanks again for sharing your life and sweet baby with us.

  3. oh, and I LOVE your picture! That is so cute!

  4. Jessica,

    I do not know you but we have been following your story through Amber. We have suffered a loss in our family and although I do not have any idea what you are going through, I know what loss feels like and it feels unbearable at times. Please know that you are being held in God's arms each and every second. Even though you don't always feel it. He hurts because you are hurting. Please know you are in our prayers constantly and please let Amber know if there is anything our Bible Study can do you for. Meals, someone to talk to, anything. We love you so much!

  5. jessica,
    thank you for your words and a glimpse inside your heart. i have no idea how you and ryan make it through each day, but i guess the Lord helps you each and every step. i think about all of you daily...and pray for each of you. please let ryan know. i talked with sarah bussey right after this happened to you all, and i know she was planning on talking with you. i hope that yall have gotten the chance to talk. only you all will be able to relate to one another. you are loved!!
    julie mckinney scarborough

  6. Jess and Ryan,
    I love you both so much. You are exactly right; unfortunately we do not always know what to do which may lead to silence. However, I pray we all have the humility to ask you what you need and the acceptance that we cannot “fix” this for either you. So badly do I wish that I could take you and Ryan’s pain and carry it for you...but I know only the Lord can do this, and you are exactly right He is “enough.” Knowing this; however, I pray that the Lord will use me to lighten your burden.
    Wyatt has a very, very special place in my heart and he has touched so many lives. What a blessing and an honor to have known him, to love him, and to share him with so many. You and Ryan amaze me with how you have allowed the Lord to use you during this time. I am so proud to have you as my best friend and my sister.