As the day winds down, I feel so thankful...thankful for friends and family who have stood by us and at times carried us during this difficult time. I have been thinking a lot about our needs and our friends lately. I am sure that at times you feel as helpless as we do. Like there is nothing you can say or do to heal our pain...and you are right. There are no words to take this deep hurt away. However, just being with us and reminding us that there is good here on earth is healing. It may not take away the pain, but eases it at times. One of my very close friends has told me that she knows that she cannot take the pain away, but can provide a little sunshine here and there...and she is so right. I am painfully aware that it may feel awkward to be around us...like everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room. Please know that we are comforted by friends and please do not feel awkward. Our needs change moment by moment. We absolutely LOVE to talk about Wyatt. He is our son and just as any proud parent, we enjoy getting to share our memories of him. So, please do not be hesitant to talk about him or ask questions. We are AlWAYS thinking about him so please do not be afraid to bring him up. There may be days that we share our tears with you. Just know that if we do cry it not because of something you have said or done. We often try to hide our true feelings or tears to protect you and keep you from our pain. Please do be afraid if we cry. We are ok...in fact, just know that we are sharing our true feelings with you and that we feel comfortable letting down in front of you. If there is anything not to do, it is to act as though he did not exist. He is a HUGE part of our lives and always will be. And while we do NEED and enjoy talking about him, there are times we just want to be 'normal.' Whatever that means. We feel so far from ok or normal right now, but having time to kind of get away and just talk and relax is so nice as well. A little vacation from the hurt if you will.
If you are curious about how we are doing, we are surviving. I can't think of a better way to put it. Life is hard right now. I will not lie. There are days that I feel as though I cannot catch my breath. That just living takes everything out of me. Then there are days, when I feel a little lighter and make it through the day with an occasional smile or laugh. And while the ok or lighter days are few and far between, I suspect that there will be more of those days and less of the unbearable days in time. I think that many people think that with time we are healing and "getting better." And I so desperately wish I could say we are. However, as time passes, the pain seems to deepen. The shock is slowly wearing off. Everyday we have to wake up and face another day without our precious son. This is something we never could have prepared ourselves for. Each day we are reminded that not only is Wyatt not here, he is not coming back. We constantly think of what we would/should be doing with him at that very moment. There is so much grief for not having him here, but also for the things we will never get to do with him. Oh how we would love to see him smile, hear him say his first word, watch him play in the yard, make friends, etc. What I would give to have him in my arms again. There is such an emotional and physical pain. I want so badly to feel the weight of his tiny little body to whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love him. I want to know that he hears me and that he knows how much he means to us.
So, as our friends, please know that while we need to be handled with care, we do need you...we need you to hold our hands at times, we need you to listen to us, to be with us, and at times to laugh and smile with us. We simply need you. Thank you for being here.