Thursday, January 28, 2010

thanks jess!

I never respond to comments...even though I ALWAYS read them (over and over)...but I just had to today. Thanks so much Jessica! This thought had never come to mind and it really made my day. Thank you for reminding me that I was enough. There are certainly days I wish I could have been more for him. In fact, the day Wyatt passed away, I remember standing outside our door while they x-rayed his stomach and just crying. Not because I was scared at that moment...or because I couldn't take any more...but because I wanted to be enough for our little guy. I did not want to have to depend on anyone to take care of him. I simply wanted to do it....all by myself. But, you are right Jess, for a time, I was able to take care of my little man all by myself. What a satisfying thought! I will treasure this forever.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


Today as I was driving around running errands I began thinking...thinking about my friends and how truly wonderful they are. I feel so incredibly blessed to have friends who are still taking care of us...4 months later. I want each of you to know that it does not go unnoticed.

I often think of my time running or decorating :) with Amelia. And how she just lets me vent. Believe me, I know I go on and on and on. I even get tired of hearing myself talk. I can't imagine what she is thinking. But what a super friend to just let me talk her ear off...all the time. There are days I don't think I have much to say and then an hour later I am still going strong. I feel so blessed to have a friend with such a sensitive heart and open ears.

I think of Leslie who is by far the most wonderful sister in the world...the way she calls me several times a day to make sure I am doing ok, or texts me every morning to say hello, or how she is constantly sending me bible verses, or offering to come over and distract me for a while...I wonder how she ever gets any work done...for she is always worrying about me. Even when there is no need. I am so thankful for a sister who loves me more than I love myself at times.

I think of Kristi and the messages she sends me, the way she sits and lets me cry when I need to, the little cake she brought over to celebrate Wyatt with us, the way she was at our door within the hour we arrived back home and has continued to show up at our door, the way she encourages me and is on my side. I know she has a little one on the way and is so very excited as she very well should be....but I am so grateful that she has let me be excited with her and yet still so understanding of where I am. What a blessing to have a friend with such an empathetic heart and open arms.

Words cannot express how truly thankful I am for friends like these. I laugh at times and try to remind myself to be more cautious...I think at times I accidentally make it all about me...and while these friends have totally let me...I am totally aware that it is not all about me. So, thank you sweet friends for everything. For picking me up, holding me up, and for being the best friends and listeners I could ever ask for. I am truly blessed...and trust me it doesn't go unnoticed! I love you!

this picture is obviously from right before I had Wyatt...I think we were both begging him to come out. We were so anxious to meet him!

Sunday, January 24, 2010

a busy week

Well, I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. To be honest, I have started several posts and then just stopped. This past week has been very difficult. My heart has been very still. I have been dealing with each day as it comes...and to be honest, this is tiring. I did have a very busy week...I had an in service at school, bible study, dinner with friends two nights, lunch with a friend one afternoon, a "coffee date" with another friend Katie ( who also lost her baby, a meeting with someone from the heart association, pictures, and then a night out with friends. Whew, I think that covers it. And now that I write this, I realize God has been more present than I thought. While I have felt very alone this past week....He has most certainly been with me....keeping me busy and using friends to support me. It's funny how you don't notice these things until you sit down and begin writing. Yesterday was four months since the dreadful night we heard Wyatt had not made it through his emergency surgery. I think of this night often, but the past few days it has flooded my thoughts. I so badly want to go back and hear the doctors telling us he is in recovery waiting to see us. Instead, I remember the pain and shock of hearing that Wyatt had not made it. I need God's transparency more than ever right now. I know this is not something I am guaranteed or may ever know...but my heart cries out "why?" Why our little boy? Why now? I keep reminding myself that God has a purpose and His will will be done even if it was not part of His plan to bring Wyatt home so soon. There are so many questions left unanswered...but thankfully the most important one is answered...where God are you? "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"...Psalm 34: 18 I am so thankful for a God who does not abandon us or leave us to our suffering. Although He cannot remove this pain from our lives...for it is part of our journey and His plan....He can and will restore us, bring joy back into our lives, and use our history to build our destiny. I am thankful for a God who does not waste our history or our pain.

Monday, January 18, 2010

five months

Today Wyatt would be five months old. Wow! I can't even imagine what he would be doing at this point. I wish so badly that I knew. I miss him more than ever...but am ever so thankful that this little miracle arrived here on earth to bless us with his presence five months ago. What I would give to go back to August 18th...although I do not think I could handle the pain of this all over again. I love you sweet Wyatt!

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit."
Psalm 34:18

Sunday, January 17, 2010


Today has been a little rough to be completely honest...but we are surviving. I just keep remembering all of the uplifting messages that were sent our way last week. It was truly amazing. I guess God knew tough times were coming and He worked through you to help prepare us. So, thank you for listening to your hearts and reaching out to us. Thank you for all of the emails, the comments, texts, the letters, cards, and books. Please know that all of it is truly helpful and healing. Thank you for allowing God to work through you to wrap His arms around us. I feel so blessed to be in the presence of people who allow God's work to be done through them.

I just had to add this makes me smile. Avery was just hanging out in Wyatt's room with me the other day. I really love her :)

Friday, January 15, 2010

sweet sweet song

My heart is so full. I can't help but cry tears of thankfulness for lately I have truly felt God working in my life in some very powerful ways. I'm sure He is always working...for He has a lot of work to do :)....but I love how transparent He is being right at this very moment...and how open my heart and eyes are to His good works. The past few days have been filled with phone calls and emails that have all had something to do with Wyatt...which I love. It fills me with joy to still have something 'to do with him' even though he is physically out of my reach. Some of the messages have been very healing and I know God has intentionally placed me in the presence of a few wonderful people. I am anxious to see what He does with my heart in these very places. Thank you God for being so intentional!
I received a package Wednesday afternoon. I was so excited for I thought it was a new fun strap for my camera...I broke into the box not even realizing that it was addressed to both Ryan and I....for I should have known it was not my camera strap. As I opened the box, I found a card and this beautiful angel. I just burst into tears. One of Wyatt's nurses...she was there the night he passed away....had sent this. It is so perfect. It reminds me of so many things....holding Wyatt, how he is being taken care of...still, and of the wonderful nurse who would hold him lovingly in her arms as she sang the Revelation song to him. Her voice is truly incredible. Truly. It is so soft, gentle, and angelic. Wyatt LOVED to hear her sing. My mom and I would laugh when he would get upset and say we needed to go find this nurse to sing to him. I am sure he is singing in Heaven now. Praising His Father and singing for all to hear. I cannot wait to hear his sweet voice.
As I was trying to find a place to take a picture, I went into Wyatt's room. I placed her on the floor and took a picture. As I was looking at it, I thought how perfect this appears. A guardian...a mother....a nurse....holding a baby.....surrounded by darkness. There is such a beautiful light on her and the baby it reminds me to have hope...even though I am surrounded by darkness. Once again, I am humbly reminded of God's presence in Wyatt's life. Of the way he has touched so many of us. I am so thankful that his nurse is still remembering us and what it felt like to hold our precious son in her arms. I know that many children have been in and out of her care since we left September 23rd...but it speaks volumes to a mother's heart that we are still being thought of. Thank you.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

a new journey

Well, today I am starting a new journey. A journey through the book of Esther. And I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am. I KNOW that God is placing me right where I need to be. Hallelujah! It all started with the group lesson. As the speaker was telling us that God's name is not directly mentioned in this book and how this does not mean that God is not present. That there is as much to learn about God in a place where He does not make himself obvious as in a place where He does. That there are times God works through miracles...but there are times God works through individuals and the natural. So, as you can imagine, after hearing this I was already in tears by the time we broke to small groups. Thank goodness God placed me in a group of the most amazing women....I can already tell :) I didn't really know the women in there, but knew a couple of them through a very close mutual friend. I had been nervous for a few days before today about meeting my small group. So funny...I know... I love meeting new people and making new friends, but I KNEW we would have to go around and introduce ourselves and that inevitably everyone would be telling the group about their children. So, of course as soon as the first person started I was already in tears. Which I am sure scared them to death! Well, I made it through my turn and of course told them I had a son in August who went to be with our Lord in September. It still kills me every time I have to say those words. Simply kills me. But, I made it through. And I have to say, I just know that God has placed me with this wonderful group of women for a reason...just as He placed me in this study....and is guiding me through this journey. I absolutely love it when I can feel His presence and His word so clearly. Thank you God for holding me tight when I need it most. Thank you for working through my friends to bring me peace and uplift me when I am too weak. Thank you God for loving me despite my emotions...through all of my ups and through all of my downs. Thank you God for never leaving my side...even when I think you have.

Friday, January 8, 2010

there will be a day

Today is one of those days I feel as though my world is standing still and everyone elses is continuing to spin as though it should. I have had a good past few days, but am feeling very still today. I know the lives of many of my dear friends are about to change, but ours is not. The grief does not go away. I am so thankful for my friend's blessings, but feel more and more alone as I wonder why Wyatt cannot be here. Ryan and I wanted a child so badly. We hoped and prayed for Wyatt...before he came...and certainly after his I know these friends are doing as they await their little ones. This sounds so terrible, but I wonder why their prayers are answered and ours were not. This is certainly a time I need to be able to see not through my own eyes, but through God's. I know He has a plan for us and that His will will be done...even through Wyatt's death...but the hurt of it all is almost unbearable. I walked in Wyatt's room and picked up the first verse I saw. It was Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Thank you God! I will try to focus more on our future than our past and even our present. For I find hope and healing in tomorrow and the pain of our past and present is still so fresh and raw. I often think of a song we played for Wyatt while he was in the hospital... There will be a day by Jeremy Camp. How true that song was for Wyatt and yet still for us. It brings tears to my eyes to hear it still. How I look forward to that day.

Monday, January 4, 2010

a little surprise

Ryan just found this little video on his phone the other day. We had totally forgotten about it and just randomly came across it. How special to see our little Wyatt looking around...oh how I miss him! This was taken a few days after his surgery while he was in CVICU. We were so excited to see his eyes open and him looking around. He had been on so much medication that he really didn't open his eyes much for the first week of his life. There isn't much to the video, but I love remembering him with his eyes open and full of life.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

through the eyes of a child

Ryan and I have often talked and laughed about the heart of a child...just how wonderfully simple it is. As we face each day and new situations we often wish adults were as simple and honest as children. There are no filters and right now that is so refreshing. They are not afraid to ask questions or simply say it like it is. Our nephew colored this picture during Wyatt's service. It is so perfect...him holding Wyatt's hand. What sweet happiness it brings me to think of the two of them holding hands. I know Wyatt is looking down on his little cousins anxious to play. I so hope that I too can be as open and simple as a child as I face each new day. Life does not have to be complex and difficult. We do not need to hide our pasts, no matter what has happened. I want to accept the people around me for what they are...people. No strings attached. I want to love abundantly and see each day in a different light. I want to let go of the fear of that can keep me from comforting others in pain. I want to live again through the eyes of a child. Life is still wonderfully sweet even through the suffering.