Wednesday, April 28, 2010

day by day

i have learned so much about myself and mine and ryans's relationship over the past eight months. i can tell you that this magnitude of grief and the emotions it has brought to the surface has really surprised me. i am often told that we are so strong and people often tell me how they could not get through this. i am so humbled that people see us as strong. i often think to myself if you could only see the tears we have cried and felt the depth of our pain you would realize we are not strong at all. not even close. but i often think of 2 Corinthians 12:10 "...for when i am weak, then I am strong." when you get to a point such as this, you realize...whole heartedly.....that we are not in control. ryan and i did not choose to be here. but were chosen. and i cannot lie and pretend that that brings comfort, because it does not. but we have no other choice than to survive this. our only choice is are going to suffer alone or in the arms of our Father in Heaven. and we choose to share our pain with our mighty Father in Heaven. we could not do this alone. we are not doing this alone. i wish i could tell you that because of our faith the pain is less severe. but it is not. our faith brings us hope. hope for our future and hope to be with our son again...but it does not in any way take an ounce of our pain away. our loss is what it is. there is no way around it. last week i was on my way to visit a dear friend who has also lost her sweet baby, and i was listening to the radio. they were interviewing a woman, a missionary, who had been held hostage with her husband for an extended period of time. unfortunately, her husband was not released here on earth. but while she was talking she said something that really hit home with me. she was talking about grief and how sometimes people make the assumption that because of her strong faith her pain was less in some way. and she then went on to say that you cannot put a "spiritual band aid" on grief. yes, we have hope for our future and believe that God is good, but the feelings are not any less real...any less painful....any less in anyway. but what faith does is allow God to bring healing, restoration, and revelation. not too long ago, i read that "basing our faith on who God is rather than what He appears to be doing is crucial to our spiritual health." you cannot imagaine the things i would say to Him if my faith was based solely on what He appears to be doing. i do not know His plan and neither do you. but i trust that no matter how painful this journey is, i can and will trust what He is doing and where He is taking us. which totally ties into a conversation i had this morning with a friend. we have to trust God more than we question Him. i don't know why we are here or even what we are doing, but i do know that God is getting us through this diffiuclt journey one step at a time....and He is using you to support and hold us up when we cannot stand on our own. so thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding us up with your prayers and presence. i cannot even begin to tell you how truly important it is just to have you present. present to keep living with us and by us. present to talk or not talk about wyatt. just present. i find that because some people do not know what to say to us they tend not to say anything at all. sometimes people avoid being with us and aviod talking to us. but i have to tell you, that not saying anything at all is worse than saying the "wrong thing." just a sweet text saying you're thinking of us or praying for us or just wanted to say hello means more than you could ever know. it's the "little" things right now that mean the most. so thank you for the "little things."

Saturday, April 24, 2010

still here

Still here :) work has REALLY picked up. it didn't really slow down as much i thought it would for it being sooo cold, but now that it is warm, i am working over time. life is still pretty much the same here. i am learning to enjoy myself amidst the pain. i am really trying to stay strong. i know to some, we really look like we are doing great and everything is fine...we'll just say i'm glad we look ok, but we are still surviving day by day. it is better right now, don't get me wrong... but there are moments that a life time just seems too long. as the emotions rise, i am reminded that God has and will keep us going. i am amazed and so thankful for what He has done with us so far. so, i just thought i would check in. didn't want anyone to think i had disappeared :)

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

sweet memories

i just had to post a few pictures....these always make me smile. love you sweet angel!

this is our little man in his bouncy seat his aunt les gave him...and he LOVED it!

here we were cheering the hogs on...hence my razorback shirt and his red socks. this is the day i found out it was ok for him to wear clothes. i was soooo excited, i slipped out while dad baby sat and tried to find him something red for our big date that night...obviously i came home empty handed...but hey he had red socks :)

and here he was just hanging out...being dramatic ;)

Monday, April 12, 2010

right now i am in the middle of a Bible study on David. i am always amazed how God reaches out to me through such studies. always when i least expect it. it really wasn't until day 3 of my study that it all begin to hit home. on this particular day, we focused on how David was angry and afraid and wondered how the ark of the Lord could ever come to him. the study went on to say that we need to be determined to allow God to take us and our families "so far" that He alone can be the explanation. i am so anxious to allow Him to take us that far. i can't wait to come to a place where i can say, "look where God has brought us!" right now I am just trusting that He will. but how exciting! the study also talked about moving past our devastation with God. really?! i had never thought of it this way. but yes, i have been devastated with God. while i can say i haven't been really angry with him, I have been devastated. my feelings have certainly been hurt. how could such a loving and faithful God not hear our cries as we poured out our hearts and our desires and trusted him alone with our son. truly, i know He heard our cries and hears them still. i know His heart breaks with ours. but i also know that how i handle this has a direct impact on my relationship with my Father. the maker and creator...the author of life. i am ever so thankful that while i struggle, He knows my heart. the moment David could say, "look how far you have brought me" came after heart ache. the study also talked of how true intimacy with God cannot grow in an untrue environment. I love that the author wrote that "our hearts never need pouring out more than when they are filled with the toxic waters of bitterness." how true this is. how grateful i am for a God who knows my devastation with Him and is not offended. He waits patiently for me. how wonderful it is to trust that God's ways are higher than mine and that i don't have to understand His ways to settle my heart ache and hurt feelings. i can and do trust Him.

"trust in Him at ALL times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge"
Psalm 62:8

Friday, April 9, 2010

making it

this past week has flown by. there are times i don't where the days go and others that seem painfully endless. i can't say much has changed here...which is why i haven't written in a week. right now, the heartache is just below the surface. enough that i am pretty much doing ok, but it doesn't take much to rock my world. easter was most definitely the hardest day i have had in a while. the tears started before we ever left for church and pretty much lasted all day. i would think i was ok and then find myself bawling again. i just kept wondering where the tears were coming from. do we ever run out?! it was just one of those days. i really miss him. i wasn't really prepared for easter to be so difficult. i guess it just breaks my heart that there are so many holidays i will never get to spend with him. year after year.
we brought Wyatt's easter lily to the cemetery today. better late than never :) it was so beautiful there. the grass is green, a great deal of the markers have flowers, and the birds were chirping. as i was standing there by his grave, i couldn't help but notice the birds and flowers. but it is funny that no matter how beautiful is, it cannot take this pain away. i love the sunshine and beauty spring brings...but at times, it is just a distraction. a distraction i am certainly thankful for, but a distraction none the less. i only wish it could take away the sting of death.
so for now, i will enjoy these somewhat lighter days. for the only thing i have learned about grief is that it usually comes in waves and is extremely unpredictable.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion
and the God of all comfort..."

Friday, April 2, 2010


well, not much has been going on. the past week has been pretty good. still emotional, but also busy and productive which is good. i have found that this past week or so my good has been better and my bad has been worse. the grief never totally leaves, but comes in degrees and waves. right now, i am pretty neutral. not totally up or totally down. just in between and surviving...which is better than just down. someone once made an analogy about grief that makes total sense. she said that grief is like being in a room filled with people smoking (and you don't). after a while, you begin to get used to it. when you get out to catch your breath and breathe for a moment you remember how nice fresh air is. but when you have to go back in, the smoke feels much heavier and it feels more difficult to breathe. it feels much worse. as time goes on, you get to get out more and breathe more fresh air, but it gets harder and harder when you have to go back in. this is so true. i can get out of the smoke for a bit, but i always return....and when i do it is harder and harder to breathe even though the smoke has not changed. i have just had a moment to escape. i can't wait for the day to live "outside" a little longer. but i believe that God is faithful and it will come. there will always be rougher days, but i know God will restore us and allow us to breathe.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge
of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."
2 Peter 1:3