Wednesday, April 28, 2010

day by day

i have learned so much about myself and mine and ryans's relationship over the past eight months. i can tell you that this magnitude of grief and the emotions it has brought to the surface has really surprised me. i am often told that we are so strong and people often tell me how they could not get through this. i am so humbled that people see us as strong. i often think to myself if you could only see the tears we have cried and felt the depth of our pain you would realize we are not strong at all. not even close. but i often think of 2 Corinthians 12:10 "...for when i am weak, then I am strong." when you get to a point such as this, you realize...whole heartedly.....that we are not in control. ryan and i did not choose to be here. but were chosen. and i cannot lie and pretend that that brings comfort, because it does not. but we have no other choice than to survive this. our only choice is are going to suffer alone or in the arms of our Father in Heaven. and we choose to share our pain with our mighty Father in Heaven. we could not do this alone. we are not doing this alone. i wish i could tell you that because of our faith the pain is less severe. but it is not. our faith brings us hope. hope for our future and hope to be with our son again...but it does not in any way take an ounce of our pain away. our loss is what it is. there is no way around it. last week i was on my way to visit a dear friend who has also lost her sweet baby, and i was listening to the radio. they were interviewing a woman, a missionary, who had been held hostage with her husband for an extended period of time. unfortunately, her husband was not released here on earth. but while she was talking she said something that really hit home with me. she was talking about grief and how sometimes people make the assumption that because of her strong faith her pain was less in some way. and she then went on to say that you cannot put a "spiritual band aid" on grief. yes, we have hope for our future and believe that God is good, but the feelings are not any less real...any less painful....any less in anyway. but what faith does is allow God to bring healing, restoration, and revelation. not too long ago, i read that "basing our faith on who God is rather than what He appears to be doing is crucial to our spiritual health." you cannot imagaine the things i would say to Him if my faith was based solely on what He appears to be doing. i do not know His plan and neither do you. but i trust that no matter how painful this journey is, i can and will trust what He is doing and where He is taking us. which totally ties into a conversation i had this morning with a friend. we have to trust God more than we question Him. i don't know why we are here or even what we are doing, but i do know that God is getting us through this diffiuclt journey one step at a time....and He is using you to support and hold us up when we cannot stand on our own. so thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding us up with your prayers and presence. i cannot even begin to tell you how truly important it is just to have you present. present to keep living with us and by us. present to talk or not talk about wyatt. just present. i find that because some people do not know what to say to us they tend not to say anything at all. sometimes people avoid being with us and aviod talking to us. but i have to tell you, that not saying anything at all is worse than saying the "wrong thing." just a sweet text saying you're thinking of us or praying for us or just wanted to say hello means more than you could ever know. it's the "little" things right now that mean the most. so thank you for the "little things."


  1. Jessica- thank you for sharing all of that. It so good to see it all written down. And it is all so true. I often want to (and think I have) think of God as our protector from everything bad in our lives. That surely he will keep us from hurting- even in horrible situations. But it just isn't the case. I have really been challenged lately by who God really is. I realized I had believed so many things I had heard in church, in books, in college, etc. that simply weren't true. It would be nice if they were, but they aren't. It is good to get to who God really is and why we really need him. I HATE that you and Ryan have had to learn these things daily, first hand. You are too young for things like this right? What about kids who suffer with terrible illnesses. Surely God will sweep in and rescue them-right? Heaven sounds better each day- and I know you guys long to be there to love on Wyatt. It cannot come soon enough. I do pray that you will continue to stay close to God through all of this- it is a horrible situation to be in when you realize all you want to do is escape, but all you can do is just face the day and make yourself keep going. Praying God will make that easier each day- through friends and family and however else he chooses. Again, I am so, so, so sorry for your loss. But thank you for blessing all of us with what you are learning and being faithful to get out of bed each day. Love you guys!

  2. Once again, you put things so perfectly - particularly when you described how your faith doesn't make the pain less severe. The Lord continues to bring you to my thoughts and I continue to pray for you - that the Lord would continue to uphold you through this unimaginable sadness. When I visit your blog I always scroll down to look at the pictures you recently posted of Wyatt. He is truly one of the cutest babies I have ever seen (and I've seen a lot of babies :) The picture in the middle is just so sweet!

  3. jess,

    you and ryan remain in my daily prayers. just keep taking it one day at a time. please let ryan know i am thinking about you all!

    julie mckinney scarborough

  4. Jessica,
    I met you a while back at a shower for Christa. I enjoy reading your blog. You are such an eloquent writer. Your faith is inspiring!
    Crystal Hoskins