Monday, May 24, 2010

happy anniversary!

well it has been a rough few months to say the least, but I woke up happy today to have my husband beside me. i just had to give him a quick shout out :) and say happy anniversary! i am the luckiest woman in the world and am ever so thankful for him. i could go on and on, but i'm going to keep it short and sweet...i'd hate to embarrass him :) so...happy anniversary!

Friday, May 21, 2010

a better day

so happy to report that today has been so much better. it is so pretty outside and i have a wedding this afternoon. i can't wait! so thanks for the prayers, i'm glad this week is about over.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

trying to find peace

i so badly want to say that i am doing well and holding up, but this week is wearing me out. it is nothing out of the ordinary, it just feels long and exhausting. i know my grief comes in waves and varying degrees. right now the days seem to go on forever and i want nothing more than for them to pass quickly. i so badly want to hold my little boy again. there are days when i can find peace in knowing that i will see him again, but there are days i feel as though i cannot wait any longer. i am ready for this wave to pass.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

9 months

it is so hard to believe wyatt would be 9 months old today. i'm not really sure where the time has gone. i am still having trouble grasping that summer is on its way. That winter has come and gone without him. it's funny how time stands still at times like these. love you little man!

Friday, May 14, 2010

pretty in pink

ryan and i are so blessed to live by some wonderful people! my sweet neighbor, ashley, brought these over the other day. they also took care of our yard for us while we were in little rock. i can't tell you how much we appreciated that. ryan is a BIG yard guy and it was so nice to know everything was taken care of while we were away. i just wanted to share them with you. they smell incredible. i love them!!!! have a good weekend!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

happy mother's day

those of you who know me well, know that i have been blessed with an amazing mom. a mom who always provided direction and guidance, yet has let us experience life and make our own decisions...even when she knew heartache was to follow. i know this is hard for a mother to do. she is a constant in my life. a mother and a dear friend. she is a wonderful lady outside of being my mom and i am so proud of her. i have always loved her presence in my life and am still loving it to this day. thank you mom for being present in my past and my present. i love you dearly.

today has been such a bitter sweet day. ryan, my mom, dad, sister, avery, and i headed out to devil's den to "hike" and get out of the house. it was so nice to be with family on such a difficult day. it was nice to be outside and not idol at home. there is something about being outside that makes you feel more alive. i have received so many texts, cards, and words of encouragement today. thank you. i can't even begin to tell you how sweet it is to receive letters and messages wishing me a happy mother's day. it's nice to know others are thinking of us today, but it is especially nice to be called mom. i have wonderful friends who so sweetly remind me that i am and always will be wyatt's mom. and yet while i know this, and am so proud of this, i do not feel like a mom. my arms are empty and i feel helpless. miles away from the one who would call me mom. never to hear his sweet voice cry out for me. i feel like there are so many things a mom does for their child and yet i cannot do anything for mine. i cannot hold him, take care of him, i cannot look into his big eyes and tell him how much i love him, i cannot teach him about life and watch him grow. i long for these moments with him. i simply long to BE his mom.

my heart aches with all of my sweet friends who have lost their precious babies. i look forward to the day we are all in Heaven holding our little ones.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

trying to find patience

another day down. today has been better than yesterday, but yesterday was rough. real rough. it's just a hard time for us and this week is so difficult leading up to mother's day. i think i have been dreading this day for months. i just wish we could skip it all together. i have the most wonderful mom in the world, but i can't get over not having wyatt here to celebrate with. there are so many people that have lost children, miscarried, or who long for a baby and haven't been able to get pregnant. i know that i am not alone in wanting this day to come and go. quickly. i know it stresses ryan out too. he is such an amazing husband and doesn't know what to do to make sunday less painful. but as we well know, there isn't a thing anyone can do....but just be there. i am so thankful to be married to such an amazing man who cares so much about our family. i love that he can still make me smile and laugh when i am feeling so defeated. i believe there is good in our future, it is just hard to see through the fog right now. i can't wait to look back and say "look at us now." i believe God has big plans for us....i'm just growing a little impatient ;) which really is no surprise....patience is not my strong point.