Friday, November 13, 2009

going through the motions

I woke up this morning with a feeling of emptiness. I thought I would not sit down to write today...but, I want to be honest and know that if I hide these feelings I am not helping anyone...including myself. The end of the week tends to be more difficult. It is like we fight all week just to get through...and it is exhausting. Totally exhausting. By the end of the week we are so worn down that is hard to be strong. It is hard to be ok. Today I struggle with why I cannot have my baby. I know that I may have to wait a lifetime for the answer to this question...but it doesn't make it go away. I feel so lonely and a piece of me is missing. There is so much baby is not here and I feel as though I am merely existing...that I am simply going through the motions. At night, I find myself acknowledging that we have made it through another if this is an accomplishment to survive one day at a time. This makes me so sad. I want to enjoy life, not count down days. I know these feelings will fade. They always do. But they always come back as well. My heart and soul ache for Wyatt. It is such a deep and acute pain. One I would never wish on anyone...yet, I know there are so many who long for their babies as I do. So many of our friends who have lost their little ones. It breaks my heart. But, I am so glad that they are all in Heaven together. As a mom, you worry about your little one being alone...and I know that he is not. He is so far from alone. I know that he is well taken care of and very happy...I only wish that I could be the one to take care of him. There is so much pain and suffering, yet I would not trade one bit of it. I would go through all of this again...knowing the end...just to spend those five weeks with Wyatt.


  1. jessica,
    i am proud of you for being so open and honest in how you feel. every feeling is felt by Jesus, as well. you are not alone in your suffering...although it does feel that way. He is going through every emotion with you. i am praying for you right now to feel peace and for God to show you another piece of His grace today. love you!
    julie mckinney scarborough

  2. Oh Jessica, I am just so heartbroken for you and Ryan. You are always in my prayers. Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings on your blog! It helps to know exactly how to pray for you.

    Mandy (Duncan) Osborne

  3. Jessica ~ You're on my mind and in my prayers so much. Getting through is each day IS an accomplishment. I wish you were holding Wyatt, too.

  4. I love you still. Anna

  5. I love you sis. It absolutely breaks my heart that you and Ryan are going through this. I know and trust that God has amazing plans for you and while that is comforting, I know it does not remove the sting or ease your grief now. I wish desperately for the “right” thing to say but know fully, and too well, that there is not anything anyone can say that will take you and Ryan’s pain. I will continue to pray for you both and that He will use those around you to ease your pain and fill the emptiness in your heart. I love you and Ryan and pray for your peace. Keep surviving…He hears your call and will continue to lighten your burden. Loving you, Les