Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I have been reluctant to write. I'm not really sure why. I think it is just because I don't have much to say....let me take that back...I don't have much to say that people want to hear. I try not to write solely about our pain. I don't know if it is because I don't want to "complain" all the time...if I feel like not writing about it makes it less real...or if I sometimes assume the world thinks we should just be ok by now. Not too long ago, I was visiting with someone about the things I have been doing. Just about life in general, when she asked me if I thought I might be expecting too much of myself. I laughed and said yes. But I then followed that with , "but I can't live like this forever." Grief is so hard to explain. It involves so many emotions and thoughts. Thoughts I would never have imagined...in my wildest dreams. I want to be in places that I cannot. It is a battle between being a good friend and looking out for myself. A battle between my desires and my emotions. So, I feel as though I am constantly having to put on a show and look ok from the exterior as I fall apart on the interior. It is exhausting. Yet I am not sure why I feel as though I have to put this pressure on myself. Pressure to appear ok. Maybe it is pride or maybe because I am so fed up with this pain I just want to convince myself we are making it. I don't know. So either way, I am just going to humble myself now and just say it...I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and worn out. I am tired of living everyday in this amount of pain. Just fed up. So while I don't think anyone expects us to be back to normal...it is makes me feel better to just say we're not. Our loss is huge and is felt everyday of our lives. There are days I can handle the pain better...but there are days I cannot handle anymore of it. Today, I have reached my limit. But during times like these, I am thankful that God hears my cries and surrounds me with me friends. Friends who can handle this grief and who expect nothing more.


  1. Jessica, it is exhausting. You're so right. I've been feeling the same way, and I don't know why I put pressure on myself to smile and look "ok" on the outside either.

    We have beautiful babies that are not here with us. Thinking of you today and lifting you up. Praying GOD will give you His joy where you need it and at the perfect time.

    Love you.

  2. Oh, Jess, I'm so sorry you're hurting. Please don't ever feel that we're tired of hearing your pain. We desparately want to help anyway we can and if listening to you tell your story helps in any way, we want to do that for you. We love hearing about Wyatt and we need to hear how you're doing - the good, the bad, and the ugly - especially those of us far away. I wish so badly I could put my arms around you and Ryan. Since I can't, I pray you feel the arms of our mighty Father wrapped around you.
    Love you!

  3. Thank you for sharing. I can not understand your pain and can't even imagine the pain you are going through. We continue to pray for you every day and are anxious to visit again on Thursday. Hang in there!!

  4. Oh, dear sister in Christ, whom I've only "met" through blogging, I think you have expressed so well, what so many people feel in the grief of losing a child. Several times you have written something that I have been able to relate to so well -- thank you again for sharing so honestly.

    There are days when the pain isn't as bad and then there are days when the pain seems crushing and the longing for heaven is just so strong. I've never known a pain so deep -- a "debilitating pain" someone once told me.

    Recently I read this in a book called "Holding onto Hope" (Nancy Guthrie) -- it is in reference to losing a baby. "You know, I think we expected our faith would make this hurt less, but it doesn't. Our faith gave us an incredible amount of strength and encouragement while we had her, and we are comforted by the knowledge that Hope is in heaven. Our faith keeps us from being swallowed by despair. But I don't think it makes our loss hurt any less."
    This was an encouragement to me because for some reason I thought that because I was a Christian that the grief wouldn't be as severe, but that's not the case. Our faith gives us an anchor and a hope, but the pain is still so deep.

    I continue to pray for you - that the Man of Sorrows, who knows your sorrow better than anyone, would continue to show you His tender love and care for you. And I pray for your sweet friends as they minister comfort to you.

  5. Sis,
    Don't worry about trying to appear better than you really are!! We all love you and Ryan so much and we really WANT to be there for you both. We don't expect you to be done grieving and missing precious Wyatt. We just want to hold your hand through this, love you through this, and be there when you need us most. You are expected to have ups and downs and you never have to explain why or try to hide it. We love you both so much and we are here on the good days and the bad!!!

    "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15