Tuesday, March 16, 2010
I have been reluctant to write. I'm not really sure why. I think it is just because I don't have much to say....let me take that back...I don't have much to say that people want to hear. I try not to write solely about our pain. I don't know if it is because I don't want to "complain" all the time...if I feel like not writing about it makes it less real...or if I sometimes assume the world thinks we should just be ok by now. Not too long ago, I was visiting with someone about the things I have been doing. Just about life in general, when she asked me if I thought I might be expecting too much of myself. I laughed and said yes. But I then followed that with , "but I can't live like this forever." Grief is so hard to explain. It involves so many emotions and thoughts. Thoughts I would never have imagined...in my wildest dreams. I want to be in places that I cannot. It is a battle between being a good friend and looking out for myself. A battle between my desires and my emotions. So, I feel as though I am constantly having to put on a show and look ok from the exterior as I fall apart on the interior. It is exhausting. Yet I am not sure why I feel as though I have to put this pressure on myself. Pressure to appear ok. Maybe it is pride or maybe because I am so fed up with this pain I just want to convince myself we are making it. I don't know. So either way, I am just going to humble myself now and just say it...I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and worn out. I am tired of living everyday in this amount of pain. Just fed up. So while I don't think anyone expects us to be back to normal...it is makes me feel better to just say we're not. Our loss is huge and is felt everyday of our lives. There are days I can handle the pain better...but there are days I cannot handle anymore of it. Today, I have reached my limit. But during times like these, I am thankful that God hears my cries and surrounds me with me friends. Friends who can handle this grief and who expect nothing more.
Posted by jessica at 11:15 AM