Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I'm back!

I'm back! Ryan and I decided about a week ago it was time to get away. So, we took a long weekend to Utah to go skiing. It was so nice. Nice to get away...nice to be somewhere new....and nice to just be with Ryan. We had a wonderful time...even though I am not the best on skis :) and did I mention I have a serious fear of heights?! I am just so glad I am married a good guy....a good guy with lots of patience! He never rushed me down the mountain or pushed my comfort level...THANK YOU! Everyone kept telling us we needed to get away...and we did...but I am so glad we went when we did. It's hard to describe, but you have to go when you're ready....and I don't think we were ready until now. We just couldn't pick up and leave our emotions and pain at home...so we had to wait and go when we thought we could let down and still enjoy ourselves. Which we did. I can't say that I didn't think of Wyatt constantly...especially as I watched the cute little kids fearlessly flying down the mountain or as we walked past all of the families with little ones bundled up....but I was able to be ok which is what we had to wait for. I wish we could just pick up and leave our grief behind...but then again, I might never come back if that was the case :)
I'll be sure to post a few pictures from our trip!

Right now I am still trying to warm back up to being home alone. It's odd how we were only away five days but I have to readjust to a quiet house. I realize Wyatt never got to come home with us, but for some reason the quiet can be so painful. I just expect noise and crying and a baby to take care of. It's like I was telling a friend the other day it is so weird that we only had five weeks with him...but we will never be "normal" without him. Ryan and I have almost been married for seven years and up until we had Wyatt we were satisfied with just each other....and yet we can't seem to find contentment again. Not with each other, but with the whole we feel in our hearts. There is obviously something missing and our lives can't and won't return to the way things used to be. And while this sounds terrible, I have to say, I am glad. I don't want to return to life as if everything is normal....it is not. But also, it makes me think...think about God's plans for us. I really feel as though He is trying to tell me just be still because He can and will restore us. Maybe not on my time schedule, but He loves us so much that He will not leave our hearts bleeding here....He will restore us and make us whole again. Oh thank you God! In Bible study this morning we talked about how trust comes before something happens while thanks comes after something happens. As I sit here, I realize that I have to put my trust in God and His plans for us....which is right where I want to be...trusting Him. Not merely thanking Him after I get what I want. We also talked about it is inherit to have a longing while waiting for something...otherwise is not a wait. How true. I will certainly remember this as I wait on the Lord to restore and heal us...for I am certain HE WILL.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him."
Isa. 30:18


  1. Oh sweet Jessica, my heart is aching for you and your husband as you deeply miss your precious son, Wyatt. I wish I didn't live so far away. I just want to wrap you up in a hug as we are closer than we ever thought possible. Oh I am just so incredibly sorry. I would love to connect via email if you would like to: rebeccamutz@gmail.com
    Please email me anytime. I would love to be able to check in on you and hear how your heart is doing. I think your writing is beautiful and so sincere. Writing so openly and honestly is so soothing to your soul, at least it is to mine.

    Email me anytime. I am so glad you commented on my blog. I want to hear more about your precious baby and his amazing story.

    Rebecca (Rainey) Mutz

  2. Thinking of you and praying for you Jessica! Katie Freeman