Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I hear ya!

So, I went to Bible study this morning feeling pretty good...I've recognized that while I feel pretty good...there is always so much under the surface. So, while I am looking like I'm doing great on the outside and I've convinced myself of this as well...it doesn't take much to bring all of my many emotions to the surface. I have also realized that there is such a fine line between shedding tears and loosing control. Well, I think God was really wanting me to ride that fine line today :) and He just wanted to use Beth Moore to yell out at me. Well, she didn't yell, but she might of as well had. I was just sitting there thinking ok God...seriously! I hear you! Loud and clear. Just please don't "make" me loose control here...in front of all of these people. Who I am sure already think I am unstable to begin with. For some reason, being in church or in Bible Study really brings my feelings closer to the surface and harder to hide. So, while I tried to keep it together and just shed some tears...not loose control...because there would be NO going back after that....I heard what God had to say to me...I really listened. And while yes, I wanted so badly to just lay on the floor and let it all out...God had such comforting words to say. Our focus for our lesson today was how Esther moved from self-preservation to brave determination. Well, I can totally see how I might apply this to our situation...but this probably would not have left me bawling in front of LOTS of women. It probably wasn't until we got to the second point of the lesson...first she had a choice...and secondly, Esther faced the fear, that I realized God was talking and that I was to lisen. As I sat there, I was thinking how does this apply to me...heck, I've already lost a child...what else is there to fear....and then she made us look at a sentence in our workbook that read: and if ________, then ________. We were told not to fill this out but really think. And like I said, I thought well I guess one of my largest fears has already come true...I'm just living it out now. And then it hit me. I have HUGE fears. I've known this, but even though we are surviving a deep fear...I still fear not being able to be mom...ever....what if I loose another child...what if...what if....what if...the list could go on and on. And so as I sat there and cried and faced these fears Beth kept saying and then what....and then what....ok...so I've lost my baby, I have felt the weight of my baby in my arms while his soul was resting peacefully with His maker, I have buried my baby....my only child...I have chosen a cemetery and a specific plot for his body to rest, I have met with funeral directors, I have picked out flowers to lay upon his casket, I have stood over his grave and wept, I have cried countless tears...and then what....I pick myself up and keep going. Not without a HUGE hole in my heart....but nonetheless, I keep putting one foot in front of the other...every single day. And so while I think of this I continue to think and then what.....I keep living and relying on God.That's what. That is ALL I can do. And how thankful I am that everyday as I force myself out of bed or at night as I lay myself down to sleep, my Father in Heaven is looking down on me and saying "I will take care of you." He tells me that I am not to have conditional faith, but I am to face my fear and trust HIM. The most frequent command in the Bible is "do not be afraid." Not "do not sin"....DO NOT BE AFRAID. I feel so blessed to be loved by a Father who wants me to feel and be secure. Hebrews 2:14-15 says, "By embracing death, taking it into himself, he destroyed the Devils hold on death and freed all who cower through this life, scared to death of death." So while I fear death...death of loved ones...I will hold tight to John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they have life, and have it to the full." It is impossible to have abundant life if we live in fear of death. You cannot truly live if we are living in such fear. As Beth would say, death is not my destiny. So watch out! There is a lot of living left to do....and while there are days and while there will continue to be days that my fear overwhelms me...I will take courage in knowing that when I put my trust in God, I can STILL live an abundant life. What a blessing!

Whew, I almost want to shout "Amen" after all that :) While I am sure the girls in Bible study think I am on the edge of crazy...I am finding that I just on the edge of what God is trying to teach me and just beginning my journey to my destiny.


  1. Oh Jess, your words are so honest. I remember that edge of losing control over my grief. I remember feeling way too young to have to make funeral arrangements for my dad and grandmother, and I can't imagine how awful it had to be planning that day for Wyatt. No mother should have to go through that, ever. My heart breaks for you. I think you are so brave for going to Bible study and letting yourself be vulnerable. I'm sure you are an inspiration to all the ladies involved and to me. I will give you your "Amen!" God is going to make your faith so strong you will be able to face any fear. I pray that He is with you every second.

  2. isn't it just the best feeling when those "ah-ha" moments come- no matter where we are in life. I cried when I read this post cause i know what a relief that can be when things click and we are able to see the bigger picture God wanted us to see all along. Fear is one of my major spiritual strongholds so i can relate to this very personally. I love how open you are and you are a true encouragement to me everyday. I do think about ya'll throughout the day and pray for you to feel hope and peace in all situations. I love that we have a "know-so" hope and not a "hope-so" hope!! God is doing great things with you!

  3. Amen!!! Love you. Anna

  4. We love you and are thankful God put you in our path. Loved your "in the moment" view yesterday. So very often I think about what is going on tomorrow or next year. It made me realize I need to change to how can I be in God's will Right NOW! I also learned yesterday that it is not my job to fix things and I really need to get out of the way! You have so helped me learn to be still and just learn to listen and quit trying to "fix".

    You are the best and praying you have a great day!

  5. Jessica ~ I remember this exact lesson last fall. It was so wonderful and hard for me to hear at the same time. I grabbed Zach and RAN out of Bible study that day.

    Thankfully, two friends followed me to Reese's Garden (they knew I would be going straight there) and took Z for me to have some time alone.

    I learned that day that some of the best things for healing are the hardest things to hear.

    Thank you for sharing this. I love to see how GOD teaches us different things right where we are. Much love and Amen, girl!

  6. AMEN! Other than that, I am speechless.
    Love you!

  7. Sis,
    How powerful!! Although I cannot stand when you hurt, I am so thankful that the Lord revealed the fears of your heart so that you may be freed of them through Him!! What an amazing God that know our own hearts better than we do! Love you sis!

    "We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body." 2 Corinthians 4:7-11