Talking to a friend the other day, I voiced how our grief comes in waves. We are yet to experience true freedom from our grief, but there have been times of rest. At this time, I am experiencing some rest...but feel the grief creeping upon me. It is heavy, strong, and relentless. As I know we are approaching Wyatt's six month birthday I can't help but be flooded with thoughts about what he would look like and how he should almost be sitting up. Time has stood still here and I just want his little 7 lb. body back in my arms. I want to re-live these past six months with him here. I want so badly to watch him grow up and reach each of these milestones. Yet, I am here, just imaging what it would be like...what life should be like. There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that talks about how this isn't the way it could have been or should have been...but that this is the way it is. That song plays constantly in my mind...as I feel that this is not the way it could have been....but this is the way it is.
As I was doing my Bible study yesterday, I was reading about fear. While this is something that I will have to continuously fight, with God's help, I understand that I have to let Him bring me to a place where I trust Him...completely. There are brief moments that I am overcome with this peace...but there are certainly times my human nature allows me to experience pure fear. The study I am doing talked about how it is natural for us to plead for God to protect us from terrible things. And that when our fears become our reality we feel forsaken. This really makes me think...think about how we begged and pleaded for God to spare Wyatt's life and how our deepest fear became our reality. How it has made me question prayer and truly made me analyze my faith...but all of this analyzing and questioning has allowed my faith to grow deeper and stronger. I realize that I am not in control. That my life is not layed out the way I had planned...that to survive all of this...I have to trust God...alone. As I grieve, I often remind myself that God does not want to hurt his children. That there is redemption and fulfillment in living a life that honors our God our Savior. I look forward to this day.