ok not to be ok

I was thinking the other day about how I just wish we could wake up and just be 'normal' again. Well, to be honest, this thought passes through my mind several times each day. And I started thinking about our friends and how painful it must be to watch us suffer from the outside... I am sure that they must get so tired of us and our needs. I know we are very needy at this time :) I am totally aware that we are not a whole lot of fun right now. But, thinking about this really made me thankful. Thankful for our friends who are still here...here supporting us and loving on us. I am sure they want the "old" Ryan and Jessica back.....probably as much as we wish we were back. And while I am slowly seeing us "come back," I am so thankful for friends who love us anyways and who are waiting patiently for us. Please just keep waiting....we will be back....and hopefully better than before :)

While I was reading the other night, I came across something that really struck me. I think I want so badly to be ok...I can forget that is ok not to be ok. God does not expect me to pick up and keep moving. I loved that Beth Moore wrote that "God does not minimize the things that break our hearts." Jesus walked the earth and suffered here as we do. He wept and cried for the loss of his friend Lazarus. He truly felt the pain of a broken heart due to death and loss. How comforting to know that He has been here and felt these emotions. He truly knows our hearts. I also loved that Beth Moore wrote that "if we're so 'heavenly minded' that we grow out of touch with earthly hardships, somewhere we've missed an important priority of Christ. God left our bare feet on the hot pavement of earth so we could grow through our hurts, not ignore and refuse to feel our way through them." Amen to that! I am ever so thankful that God does not expect me to be ok. That He does not think that due to my faith, I should not allow myself to feel this pain. I know I will see Wyatt again in Heaven...and how thankful I am! But God knows that I will feel the pain of his death even though I believe in eternity. My faith brings me hope and healing, but it does not take away my pain. It is not a band-aid...my wounds cannot be covered to heal on their own. My wounds are deep and they will leave a scar...but with much care they will heal. Heal to a point that I can live again among the living. And I will learn from this pain. Wyatt's life will not be lost in vain. I have faith that good is and will come from this. I cannot pretend that this not a painful place....but I cannot ignore that even if it was not God's will for Wyatt to leave this earth so soon....He did allow it....and there is gain for Jesus' sake if we will allow His life to be revealed in us. So while I feel my way around this pain and grief, I pray that God will continue to help me to grow through these hurts.

"For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,

so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body."

2 Corinthians 4:11

Christmas

Well, we survived Christmas. I can't say there was much of a celebration, but we survived and today that is worth celebrating. Ryan, Avery, and I did go visit Wyatt. This was Avery's first time to go visit him. I am so glad we brought her! She was so happy (as always) and while it was hard to make that trip on Christmas day, she definitely made me laugh and smile. She loves the snow...so it was fun to watch her roll around and enjoy herself. I have no regrets for the way we spent Christmas this year, I am just looking forward to a lot of celebrating next year!

Mom has been up here since the day after Christmas. I am so blessed to have family that will drop everything and attend to my needs at this difficult time. I was so worried about the week after Christmas and how I would be doing that asked her to come hang out with me and keep me company. There seems to be such a let down after big holidays and events that the days following are usually more difficult than the actual days themselves. So, we have just been running around staying busy. Just what I needed!

Thanks mom! I love you!

3 months

It has been 3 months today since I last saw Wyatt's sweet face or held him close. If feels like eternity. I miss him. Really miss him. But, I am ever so thankful for his life and the time we had with him. As I have said, I wouldn't change anything...even if I knew he would not be here in my arms today. He was such a breath of fresh air. Truly a gift from above. So, while today is painful, I remember him with a smile on my face. I remember him the way he was...spunky and full of life. He has truly blessed my life and has touched it in such an undeniable way. How I praise our Father for blessing me with this gift. Love you Wyatt! Happy three months in Heaven!

In the arm's of an angel

As Christmas approaches, I know Ryan and I are growing more anxious. I am sure we will survive just as we survive every other day. There just seems to be so much build up before the holidays or even just big get togethers. You begin to dread that day, while deep down, I know it is no different than any other day... It is just the thoughts that we let rob of us of our joy. Thoughts about how this day "should be." As a mom, you fantasize about your firsts with your child. And yes, I had expectations for Christmas...expectations and dreams that will never be met. But, we will survive. It just may not be the way we had envisioned, hoped, or prayed for. Instead of celebrating and holding Wyatt in my arms, we will be thinking of our son and longing for him even more. We will be visiting the cemetery and holding our breathes....counting down until the day is over and has passed...only to survive another of firsts we will never experience. And while I write this, I don't want to sound cynical...it is just honest. This is hard. I find hope in knowing that while we are suffering, Wyatt is not. I know he is happy and could not be in a better place. I know that God is and will carry us through all of this and through all of these emotions. It is just hard to get through the build up we create and the excitement that society invests in a single day. I want to celebrate Christmas for what it is....the birthday of our Savior. For I am truly THANKFUL for the true meaning of Christmas.

One of my very best friends from high school painted this picture for us. It is breath-taking. I just know that it is a picture of Heaven...our little boy in the arms of an angel. How great thou art. How great thou art!

I love you Wyatt!

lesson three

I know that everything comes in God's perfect timing...such as today's lesson. The third thing we learn here in the depths is to hope. And I can certainly testify to this. At times, hope is the only thing I can hold on to. The comforting thoughts or feelings I experience come from my hope or confidence that God will see us through. He will not and has not abandoned us. I have hope for our future and for our healing and that alone is my driving force.

lesson two

While we are here, in the depths of our sorrow, we also learn to wait. Wait like I have never had to wait before. This is something I am terrible at! Really terrible at. Life has certainly slowed down...I am still running around like crazy, but I am so much more aware of every minute, every hour, of every day. I still feel as though I am constantly holding my breathe...trying with all my might to hold back my tears. Or to at least have a little more control over them. They still pour like rain, but I am learning to hold onto them until I have a minute alone to just let them pour. It is still exhausting. Exhausting to live and survive.
My thoughts are more focused and my actions more deliberate. I am focused on what truly matters...not the things that simply "fill" my life. I wait on the Lord to heal me, to heal my heart, to heal to my soul. I wait on the Lord to bring joy back to our lives. I wait on Lord to lead me...I wait on the Lord to welcome me home and back to "life" with my son.
Wyatt would have been 4 months old on Friday. It is so hard to believe he would be that old! I wish he were here. I wish I could see him face to face. See what he would look like now...how big he would be....My heart aches for him....all the time.
I know that while I learn to wait, I must also learn to survive without him. To keep living even though I am tired. It is such a battle to survive and not give into the strong desire to simply lay down and let life pass by. To stop working at "getting better" and just let life happen. I can honestly say I do not want to let life just pass me by...but I am so worn out. It is while I am waiting, that I will truly get to know God. I need Him...I need Him to fill me up and keep me going.

lesson one

It is amazing to me how time is passing so quickly, yet I feel to be standing still. I am still as I remember what we have been through, still as I think of Wyatt and what it was like to be with him, still as I think about our future. I just cannot imagine having to live my entire life without our son. Yet, I know we will have to. We will have to be patient and wait. And while time is passing, I know that God is slowly healing my heart. The pain is constant and unrelenting, but it is more dull. I am at a place now that I simply miss him. There are not words to describe this, but just an emptiness I know will never be filled. People have told me that we will never heal from this, but will learn to live with it. I totally believe this. I will never stop hurting for Wyatt, my arms will not stop aching to hold him, and I will never stop thinking of him..every minute of everyday, but I will learn to live with this. I will learn and am learning how to keep living even though a piece of me is dead and gone. What a terribly difficult lesson to learn. But God is good and He will restore us and bring joy back into our lives. Of this I am also sure. I have been reading a book about grieving the death of a child...it is amazing! Truly amazing! In this book it talks about the depths of grief and sorrow. And while I was reading this, I came across something that really hit me. It says that there are lessons that we learn in the depths of our sorrow that we cannot learn anywhere else. Hmmm...something positive? One lesson we learn in the depths, is to live by faith. Loosing a child makes us realize how little we are in control. We will only survive by trusting God. How true this is. I have to say I feel so out of control...of everything. That I have been forced to TOTALLY give everything to God. I have learned in a very real way that I am simply here on this earth living...that I cannot make decisions about what happens to me or to the people I love. I am NOT in control. If I were, Wyatt would most definitely and literally be in my arms as I sit here this very moment. So, my faith is growing...constantly. The weaker I am, the more I accept God's presence in my life and my inability. While I miss Wyatt very much, I realize there are positive things coming from the short life he lived...and even his death. So while I cannot hold my little one, I will embrace my faith and my God in Heaven who loves me more than I can even imagine. What a blessing in such a very dark place.

a picture of love

When I got home yesterday there was a message on my answering machine from a local florist. They were wanting to set up a time to make a delivery. It totally caught me off guard. I knew that it wasn't the 18th (the day of the month Wyatt was born) and that it wasn't the 23rd (the day of the month Wyatt was taken to be with our Father)....so, I couldn't figure out who would be sending us flowers or why. A little bit later, the doorbell rang, and much to our surprise someone had sent us a poinsettia. Ryan had answered the door and I could hear him saying how sweet this was. I asked Ryan who it was from and told me to read the card. I knew this going to make me cry...and it certainly did. The most wonderful tears....happy tears. The OT that had worked with us at Children's had sent this most precious gift. Precious not because it is beautiful, but precious because she is thinking of us....months after we have left the hospital. I feel as though she knows how difficult this road is...especially right now. This therapist is so very special to me. Special because she was our constant visitor, one of our biggest cheerleaders, and someone who sincerely cared for Wyatt, Ryan, and I. I always looked forward to her visits and to her friendly conversations. I never saw her without a smile on her face and that was something I needed to see...everyday.

We have received several cards and letters from the doctors and nurses that took care of Wyatt...I cannot tell you how truly special this is. I will always have a special place in my heart for these people. Always. They are the only people that knew Wyatt the way we knew him. They cared for him...I mean truly cared for him....beyond their job requirements. They provided medicine and took his vitals....but, most importantly, they cared for and loved our son. I cannot imagine doing the job they do day in and day out. They are truly special people. Gifts from above. Words cannot express my gratitude for these doctors and nurses. I so appreciate the way the kept us company and in a way held our hand throughout our journey. There were several nurses that Ryan and I grew extremely fond of. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to feel safe as you have to walk away and leave your child in the care of someone else. I remember one day in particular that I had just had enough...I was exhausted and scared and to be honest...just worn out and worn down. So, naturally, I lost it...just standing there beside Wyatt's bed...I just broke down. I couldn't take anymore and I certainly couldn't get a hold of myself and stop the tears from coming. Wyatt's nurse...and my newest friend...was so comforting. She teared up with me and reassured me that it would be ok and that it was ok to cry. Of course I felt like an idiot and wanted so badly not to look unstable, but she did not care. Not for a second. In fact, she came over and hugged and comforted me. What a blessing....to have someone there to care for Wyatt...and to care for me. I could go on and on about the people we met while in the hospital. I know God placed each and everyone of them in our lives for a reason...and I am forever grateful for each and everyone of them. I miss them very much. So, when I look back and think of our stay at Children's Hospital, my heart smiles. To me, it is a picture of love. True love.

a gentle day

Today has been such a sweet day. It is cold and raining outside, but I was able to spend the entire day with Ryan and eat lunch with some dear friends who are also traveling this long and painful road with us. It was so nice to see them and be able to talk...talk about our thoughts, our feelings, ask questions, and most importantly...share about our little ones. For a moment, we did not feel alone. Like someone understands our emotions and us. It was absolutely wonderful and uplifting. I hope we can do it again soon ;) At lunch, we talked about how awkward and hard it can be when someone asks you if you have any children. You never want to deny your child, yet it can be so difficult to answer this question. To be honest, I am not good at it. It is so hard to say yes and then follow that with "but he lives in Heaven." It takes about all I have to say this. I know it...but the words are so hard to say out loud. I laugh because I always find myself following that with it's ok. I feel such a need to protect those who ask. I don't want to make them uncomfortable or feel bad for asking. The other day, someone at the gym I work out at said hello and that I didn't even look I had had a baby. (She had seen me there working out while I was pregnant) at first, I said thanks and kept on walking. Then, I stopped and walked over and whispered to her that our baby had died. Of course I followed that with "but it's ok." She looked at me and said, "no it is not. I am so sorry." And I remember being so relieved. She was right. It is not ok! She did not seem worried that she had hurt my feelings, she did not back away, or even try to change the subject. I loved that she felt sorry for our loss...but that was it. It was so refreshing to be able to say that and not have someone awkwardly try to move on. So, while I am not good at this, it is something I will have to learn to do. There are so many things I will have to learn how to do...how to protect myself, how to acknowledge Wyatt's life without feeling guilty for making someone feel bad or for asking, and how to simply live without him. These are certainly not things I want to learn how to do....but must.

Trusting in Him

I absolutely love opening the mail and finding more verses! I truly cannot tell you how encouraging it is...and how blessed I feel to have friends who are thinking, praying, and loving on us! Tomorrow I am going to spend my quiet time reading through the verses...oh I cannot wait! Thank you for taking the time to do this!

Today I read that "joy may seem to pause as grief takes its course, but those who broken hearts are bound by Him will experience it again." (Beth Moore) This is just what I needed to hear. The past two days have been pretty good. I have not cried near as much and have really enjoyed spending time with my sis and friends. Everything just seems to come in waves. I guess this is normal. My good is still not near as good as I would like it to be...but I have faith that we will get there one day...just as Beth said, we will experience joy again. It is just so hard to imagine that right now. There is such an enormous whole in my heart...in my spirit...and at times it feels unhealable. And while I have been feeling good, I feel so lost at the same time. I guess I am such a planner I don't know where we are going or what our future holds. If you asked me what my life would be like before all of this, I would have told you that I planned to have a couple of children and that I wanted to stay home and raise them. Now, I don't know what we will have or what I will do. I am living one day at a time...and am not sure what to look forward to. I am so aware that there are no guarantees, that I am not in control...of anything, and that I cannot plan my future. I am realizing more everyday how much I have to give to God. How much I just have to trust Him. I am trying to learn to be ok with the uncertainty...this is definitely something I struggle with. I am trying so hard to just give everything to God...and to TOTALLY trust Him. I wish it was half as easy as it sounds.

"Surely God is my Salvation;

I will trust and not be afraid.

The Lord, the Lord, is my strength and my song;

he has become my salvation."

Isaiah 12:2

sabbath for my soul

A few weeks ago a very dear friend gave me a Steven Curtis Chapman cd. He wrote and recorded these songs after his sweet daughter had been welcomed into our Lord's loving arms. I have been listening to it a lot lately. One because I am not really into the Christmas music on the radio, but primarily because it brings me so much hope. And right now...today....that is what I hold on to. It is amazing how much better my day goes when I am able to be hopeful rather than hopeless. I don't know if it is a decision I have to make everyday or if there are days that I am just too broken down to have enough hope....but today I have it.
Another friend told me that she has read that God provides times of rest in the middle of difficult times and that it is ok and good for us to enjoy the "sabbath of our souls." We should soak in these times because they give us strength to continue on the journey. Oh how true. I am completely aware of these days...in fact, I think I could identify each of them. They seem to be few and far between, but a true blessing. So while, today has been hard, it has been a "sabbath for my soul" and I am ever so thankful! Thankful for a moment to breathe, thankful for friends who refuse to let us fall into our grief, and thankful for a God that remains faithful. Even when we think otherwise.

speechless

Today I have so much to say, but can't seem to find the words. I think I have talked and talked the past of couple of days. I guess there are days you just have to get it all out. So, while I am out of words, I will leave you with a few more pictures of our lil' man.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace

as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with

hope by the power of the Holy Spirit"

Romans 15:13

a piece of my heart

Oh how I LOVE this picture! He really looks like Ryan :) I just love my handsome boys! Just had to post it...and check out those cheeks! I laugh every time I look at this picture...the only reason he had to wear the bandage under his chin was because that "extra padding" just kept rubbing his scab off. Ha! What a sweet round face!

As I make my way through this journey, I am learning so much...so much about myself, what I can handle, my faith, and what grieving is like. I am learning that while I thought I knew what friends who had lost someone needed...I didn't. Not because I didn't care or that I wasn't paying attention. I think I was paying attention from a distance...a safe distance. I hurt for them, but didn't want to intensify their pain or honestly my own. I even hate to admit this, but when I heard that a friend had lost her baby (before Wyatt) I cried for her and prayed for her, but thought I am sure she is getting thousands of cards and probably wants to be left alone. I smile now, and please don't misunderstand...there is no shortage of cards...but I find that I do not want to be left alone and the cards we have received are comforting. It is just nice to feel as though your pain is acknowledged. And as far as wanting to be alone....just being in this very place is lonely. Extremely lonely. There are not many who truly understand your pain or what you need. And this is no fault of their own. I NEVER would have realized how much I would need had I not been placed here. So, being here...I am finding that I need to be around people. I love people and thrive off of relationships. Huge crowds can be a little overwhelming...but being around close friends who I can just be myself around is such a wonderful gift. I don't have to put on a show...I can be happy and not feel guilty...I can cry and not feel as though I should hide those emotions. I have also learned that I don't need to avoid someone because of their hurt. I am not going to hurt them anymore...I can just listen and love them. I know I have said this before, but there is nothing more wonderful than talking about Wyatt. He is my son. I find that while I thought I was protecting a mom by not talking about a child they lost...I was inadvertently ignoring their child. I was acting as though their child did not exist which is so far from what I ever wanted to do. I know now that I just want people to acknowledge his existence. I also do not want people to feel awkward around me. At times, I can feel the discomfort...like no one wants to say anything that would upset me... so maybe they should just stay away. I still love to talk and see people. I will also say that since this has all happened, I have truly become an open book. There is not a question you should feel you cannot ask...I will answer anything. I had a friend ask me one night if we held Wyatt after he passed...and what it felt like. I smiled when she asked this, because I know this is something I would be wondering...I just wouldn't ask...and to be honest, I loved telling her all about it. This is something I have experienced...to the fullest. And I simply love talking about what we have been through. Yes, I may cry...not because you made me though...simply because I long for my son and those precious moments. I truly treasure them. And to be honest, I think asking questions helps you understand where we have been and what we are going through. A lot went on the five weeks we were away. We did not just sit in a hospital....although I am sure it seems like that from the outside. There are definitely some stories to tell...even some funny ones. (I'll have to write about those another day). I have also learned that grieving for a child is different than grieving for an adult such as a grandparent. I have read that a death of a baby is more hidden because it violates our expectations...I believe this. When a baby dies, our hopes and dreams have already become a part of our lives. Wyatt's death is not just about the loss of his physical presence here on earth, it is a loss of a child I have wished and prayed for, it is the loss of fantasies, hopes, and dreams. It is a loss of a piece of our future...a piece of myself. And while that seems so harsh...it is so true. I don't want to sound like I do not have hope for our future...because I most certainly do...but this certain piece of our future is missing. Looking back, I wish I had known these things earlier...so that I would not have been scared of friends who were grieving or felt like I needed to back away. I would have been there...to call and chat, to send cards, to plan little get aways, to listen, to distract at times, and to simply love them. I so appreciate my friends who are doing these things without me even asking! How truly special you are! I love you from the bottom of my heart!

Happy Thanksgiving...a little late

Well, we made it through Thanksgiving. I am so glad that is behind us. Now I am just trying to get through Christmas. I know that sounds so terrible, and I am trying to remember the true reason for the season, but I can't lie...it is very hard. Saturday we went to a candlelight service at Memorial Gardens. It was absolutely beautiful. The streets were lined with candles and we had a candle placed on Wyatt's grave. They read all the names of the people who had been buried there this year. I was amazed at how many names there were. I believe there were six babies. I think I have always felt sorry for someone who has lost a loved one, but as they were reading off the names I kept thinking of how those were not just names...those are people. People with personalities and character and someone whose absence is being felt deeply by someone here on earth. While this has been a hard week, I have to say I have felt very encouraged. Thank you. I received a couple more verses Wednesday and Friday. My mom, mother-in-law, and sister also gave me special gifts. My mother-in-law gave us some verses and little angel...with the chubbiest cheeks...just like Wyatt. It makes me smile every time I look at it. I will have to post a picture of it! Les gave me a tiny bowl with a heart that said, "I carry your heart." I love it....it is so true and it reminds me of the poem we had read at Wyatt's service. My mom gave me a heart to add to my canvas or make a paper weight out of. We had quite a store of milk in their freezer at home. The hospital would not let us donate it since I had taken medication after my c-section....so, mom pulled all of the labels off of the bottles and made them into a heart. It is so very special. I can't say I was that attached to the milk...but while Wyatt was in the hospital, everyone kept telling me how important it was and how that was one thing I could do for him. So, I did. I would have done ANYTHING for him. Which is what makes this heart so special. It reminds me of the effort and the love I put in while taking care of my little boy. As the holiday season has made its way here, I ask that you remember us in your prayers. Please pray for peace and joy this season. That we will not grow anxious, but experience hope and a true calm that can only come from our Father in Heaven.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him,

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

power of prayer

Today I woke painfully aware that the holidays are approaching. I never expected this to stir up so much emotion, but it certainly has. The hurt is much deeper and I feel completely empty. I want nothing more than to have Wyatt here, celebrating with our families. While we were in the hospital, I would think of Christmas a lot. I would think of how anxious I was for it to get here. I just knew by that time, we would be home with our little boy. Everything would be calm and peaceful. I was ready to shop for him and wake up on Christmas morning and just hold him close. Instead, I wonder around empty handed with a heavy heart. Something is definitely missing and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. It nags at me with every passing minute. Instead of holding my little boy, I am planing on attending services and memorials to honor him. Who would of thought that I would not have my little one here...that I would be lighting candles and standing in services in remembrance. Ryan and I found out that were pregnant in December...we told our families of our little one on Christmas Eve. The pain is almost unbearable. I never thought we would be here...in this lonely place. Not for a minute. So I bow my head in prayer...knowing this is the only way I will survive this season...this season of life. While the hurt is constant and demanding, I will have to have hope. Just this morning I was reading about the power of prayer. God truly knows my heart...the book talked about how avoiding prayer creates anxiety, which in hand, causes us to avoid peace. I need to have an active and intimate prayer life. Satan knows that "prayerless lives are powerless lives, while prayful lives are powerful lives." Oh how I love this! I long for a powerful life! I also loved how Beth Moore talked about how our society minimizes difficulties because "it has no real answers." Isn't that the truth?! I know we want to brush things under the rug and keep moving...somethings are just too BIG. They will simply not fit...therefore, we must face them head on... We will only find peace through prayer. Beth Moore also says that, "we must walk with Christ step-by-step through this journey for the sake of protection, power, and a resulting unparalleled passion in our lives." "Prayer matters. The Spirit of God released through our prayers and the prayer of others turns cowards into conquerors, chaos into calm, cries into comfort." What peace I find in these words! So, I surrender myself...my life...and fall to my knees.

"Do not be anxious about anything,

but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,

present your requests to God.

And the peace of God,

which transcends all understanding,

will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 4:6-7

mail

Yea! I opened the mail today and surprise...I had more verses! What a treat!

I am reading a couple books right now...one is called Praying God's Word Day By Day by Beth Moore. A super dear friend gave it to me. Anyways, today I read that "If God has allowed something difficult to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily, if the child lets Him." What a comforting thought! So remember this when something difficult happens in your life. I truly hope to be aware and let God use this situation mightily.

pure sweetness

Today has been a sweet day...a very busy day, but a day that has been full of moments of pure sweetness. I had several shoots today...I usually try to spread them out a little, but today I did not. So I am worn out. But, I have to say I was very happy to be outside today...it was beautiful. One of the little boys that I was taking pictures of told his mom that he prays for us every Sunday in Sunday School...I have had several sessions with their family and it just filled me with joy. His name is Wyatt as well...so we all know how special he is :) How sweet of a child to remember us in their prayers!

And on top of that, a friend just brought this mini cake over...isn't that sweet?! How special! I shed tears of joy! How sweet of a friend to be thinking of us and Wyatt on this day. He is so loved!

I have been thinking a lot about today...how Wyatt has been in Heaven for 2 months now. It is just amazing. I wonder where these last few months have gone. I remember all to well the night that Jesus welcomed Wyatt home. I remember praying and begging to God on our knees. Pleading for Him to carry him through one more surgery. I remember thinking everything was ok and that our lil' man had fought through yet another procedure...only to be told moments later that his sweet little body gave in. Those moments will haunt me forever.

I think days like today are similar to mile markers on a long journey. You certainly notice them, but they are small in comparison to the journey ahead. The further you get from home the more homesick you get. You are excited and anxious about your destination point, but know you are so very far from getting there. I certainly notice these mile markers, but know we are so far from our destination. And yes, I get more homesick day by day. Homesick for my son and for Heaven. And while I know we will get there one day, I am anxious and tired of the travel. I just have to keep "playing" the games and keeping myself busy along the way. I have to try to make the time pass a little faster.

I know that God was perfectly able to save Wyatt and pull him through...but He chose not to bring healing to Wyatt on this Earth. This does not anger me...Yes, I am heart broken, but not angry. I know deep down that God has a plan and He will be glorified through our sufferings.

So...Happy Two Months in Heaven my precious little boy! I love you!

in our Father's hands

Today I received the first verses for my canvas...what a sweet happiness they brought me! Thank you! I am going to keep them there...by Wyatt's sweet hands until it is time to put the canvas together.

Today has been a rather tough day. A day I cannot seem to catch my breathe. My body aches from the tears I have cried. They seem to pour like rain today. Strong and steady. Tomorrow Wyatt will have been in Heaven with our Father for two months. I feel as though he just left me. My heart aches so deeply for him.

Today I will have to draw strength from our Father. For I cannot carry this load alone.

"He gives strength to the weary

and increases the power of the weak.

Even youths grow tired and weary,

and young men stumble and fall;

but those who hope in the Lord

will renew their strength.

They will soar on wings like eagles;

they will run and not grow weary,

they will walk and not be faint."

Isaiah 41:29-31

Glory

Have I told you guys how blessed I feel to be surrounded by such wonderful friends and family?! Seriously, it doesn't get any better than this! My sweet sister sends me verses and texts EVERYDAY. Not to mention a handful of phone calls as well. I have a wonderful friend who checks in with me and plans little getaways...she'll even just come over to run errands and cook. And my sweet sister-in-law sends me messages and poems...which is where this one came from. I love it! And how TRUE. I can't wait to see my little boy and hold him tight! I think I will run STRAIGHT to him! Thank you girls for keeping up with me and for holding my hand when I need it most! I love all of you!

When I Finally Come to Glory

by Fran Morgan

I need a favor, Blessed Mother,

Could you help me with this please?

It's concerning your son, Jesus

So I'm praying on my knees.

When I finally come to Glory

And I see the Promised Land

I envision Jesus smiling,

Reaching out His loving hand.

He will be so glad to see me

When I finally arrive.

For I proclaim His name on earth

Each day that I'm alive.

He will want to keep His promise,

Bring me straight to Father God,

And to the Holy Spirit,

But, O Mother...this is hard.

For my child will be there cheering

As I come through Heaven's Gate.

And I know you know my heart's desire

And HOW LONG I'VE HAD TO WAIT!

I'm afraid that when I see my son

I'll forget the protocol,

And run to hold him in my arms,

Bypassing One and All!

We will smile and laugh together,

And dance around with glee!

To touch his curls, and kiss his face

Is what Heaven means to me.

So will you, Blessed Mother

Please explain me to your Son?

Because you have a mother's heart

You KNOW to whom I'll run.

Make it right with the Creator

And the Blessed Trinity,

I'm afraid I'll fly right past Them

When my golden son I see.

I don't want to shock the Angels

Or to scandalize the Saints,

Or to have my Day of Glory

Be the day all Heaven faints!

I have borne what God has sent me,

Praised and thanked Him through life's worst,

And, if Heaven is my just reward,

Let me see my baby FIRST.

Then I'll join the Angels singing

As I praise God with my boy

To be finally reunited

With my son... and God of joy!

work of heart

Ok… I don’t know exactly how I am going to pull this off…but I am going to get started. I have been thinking a lot about all of the verses that have been sent our way. Scripture that has been prayed for us or that has been laid on your heart. They all mean so much to me! I so desperately want to be able to look at all of them and remember where they came from. They are such encouragement especially on days I don’t even know where to begin. So, I have decided to create a canvas with all of the verses that you have felt led to send our way…we’ll call it a work of heart . I most definitely do not want anyone to go out in search of a verse, but if you come across one while you are reading that pulls at your heart and makes you think of us or Wyatt I want to ask you to write it on a piece of paper and mail it to me. I thought I would make it easier and just let everyone email them, but I want the canvas to be special and that means that your hand prints need to be all over it! Please don’t worry about sending it on fancy paper…just plain white computer paper is great. Also, I ask that you please sign your name under the verse so I can always remember who sent it. Thanks so much! I am really anxious to see how this turns out! I will keep you posted!

"All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."

2 Timothy 3:16-17

hope

As I was opening my book to begin my Bible study for today, I read over a little of my last study… “We tend to run to God for temporary relief. God is looking for people who will walk with Him in steadfast belief. Choose to believe. Those who trust in Him will not be put to shame.” (Beth Moore) I am sure I read this just the other day, but today as I was reading it out of context it really struck me. And I know I am so guilty of this! I praise God when times are good and I seek Him when times are tough and the cycle continues…but, it is truly something different to seek Him and walk with Him in STEADFAST belief. I do believe in God…but at times I do not BELIEVE God. There are days when there is no light at the end of the tunnel…those are the days I believe in God, but do not BELIEVE God. I know that He will never give us more than we can handle. But, I am fully aware that He will give us more than we would ever want to handle.

I was crying to a friend the other day and she was telling me how truly sorry that she was and how she knows there are no words to heal our hurt…and she said it is hard to know what to say… that in so many hardships there is scripture you can turn to…scripture you can repeat quietly to yourself to get you through that situation….and that she was at a lack of where to turn. So, I will tell you. While there are days I wish I could be guaranteed or promised good in the near future, I know there are NO guarantees. But I do know there is hope. And right now, that will have to satisfy my soul. Today I am going to concentrate on Philippians 3:13-14 “Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” Now I will NEVER forget Wyatt…not even for a moment, but I will try my best not to be held captive by my grief. To remember and seek God’s will in my life. So while I have been given more than I ever would have wanted to handle, I do BELIEVE that God has a plan. A plan much bigger than I can fathom.

Psalm 70:5
Yet I am poor and needy;
come quickly to me, O God.
You are my help and my deliverer;
O Lord, do not delay.

thank you

Today has been a much better day. I just want to say "thank you" to everyone who has called, sent texts, emails, and lifted up prayers. They are certainly being heard. It is so encouraging to receive messages from friends...I read them over and over and feel so loved. Thank you! God is truly using you to restore and strengthen us.

"For the Lord loves the just and will not forsake his faithful ones." Psalm 37:28

going through the motions

I woke up this morning with a feeling of emptiness. I thought I would not sit down to write today...but, I want to be honest and know that if I hide these feelings I am not helping anyone...including myself. The end of the week tends to be more difficult. It is like we fight all week just to get through...and it is exhausting. Totally exhausting. By the end of the week we are so worn down that is hard to be strong. It is hard to be ok. Today I struggle with why I cannot have my baby. I know that I may have to wait a lifetime for the answer to this question...but it doesn't make it go away. I feel so lonely and empty...like a piece of me is missing. There is so much missing...my baby is not here and I feel as though I am merely existing...that I am simply going through the motions. At night, I find myself acknowledging that we have made it through another day....as if this is an accomplishment...an accomplishment to survive one day at a time. This makes me so sad. I want to enjoy life, not count down days. I know these feelings will fade. They always do. But they always come back as well. My heart and soul ache for Wyatt. It is such a deep and acute pain. One I would never wish on anyone...yet, I know there are so many who long for their babies as I do. So many of our friends who have lost their little ones. It breaks my heart. But, I am so glad that they are all in Heaven together. As a mom, you worry about your little one being alone...and I know that he is not. He is so far from alone. I know that he is well taken care of and very happy...I only wish that I could be the one to take care of him. There is so much pain and suffering, yet I would not trade one bit of it. I would go through all of this again...knowing the end...just to spend those five weeks with Wyatt.

visitors

Today I am so thankful for a lighter day. A day that I can think of Wyatt and cry tears of joy...he brings pure happiness to my heart and I feel so blessed to call him my son. I was given this poem at the doctors office...I absolutely love it. It reminds me that while Wyatt is my son, he was never really mine...he is a child of God...just like you and I. I think we get so caught up in OUR lives that we often forget that we are merely our Father's child. That while we think we are in control or think we should be in control...we are not. Our children are gifts and blessings from above....visitors if you will. We have just been selected to watch over them during their stay here on earth. Unfortunately, we do not get to decide how long their stay will be...but are to love them and cherish them no matter how long we have with them. Oh...how blessed I feel to have been hand picked by our Father to be Wyatt's mom! I don't want to make you jealous...but I feel so blessed :)

To all Parents
Edgar Guest

"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.

"For you to love while he lives and mourn for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years, or twenty-two or three,

But will you, till I call him back, take care of him for me?

He'll bring his charms to gladden you, and should his stay be brief,

You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay; since all from earth return,

But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.

I've looked the wide world over in My search for teachers true

And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes I have chosen you.

Now will you give him all your love, not think the labor vain,

Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"

"I fancied that I heard them say, "Dear Lord, Thy will be done!”

For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we run.

We'll shelter him with tenderness, we'll love him while we may,

And for the happiness we've known, forever grateful stay;

But should the angels call for him much sooner than we've planned,

We'll brave the bitter grief that comes and try to understand!"

sweet memories

Last night I had dinner with a very close friend. It was so nice to get away...we talked about Wyatt and the special memories I have of him. She was telling me how much she regretted not coming to Little Rock to visit him. And while I absolutely hate that so many of our closest friends did not have the opportunity to meet our precious angel, I believe that you know him very well. That even though you were not able to hold him tightly in your arms, you have carried him in your heart. What a blessing! I sincerely believe that everyone of our friends carries a piece of him as Ryan and I do.

So today, I wanted to share some of my sweet memories of lil' Wyatt. It was always the little things that stole my heart. My sweetest memories are of the time I spent holding him all cuddled up in a big blue blanket in our chair/bed. We did not have any of his baby blankets with us, but had been given some blankets in a gift basket sent by some wonderful people. I would get up with Ryan every morning and try to quickly get ready for the day (Ryan worked out of a branch in Little Rock while we were there)...so I had to be ready to take care of Wyatt and ready for our 'visitors.' You never knew when the doctors or nurses would be coming in...some days the doctors made rounds at 6:30 a.m. other days they visited around 9:00 a.m. so, you always had to be ready :) But, I would hurry and get ready and then sit and hold Wyatt. Oh I loved to wake up and just sit with him. The room could be completely empty...yet so quiet and so full of peace and love. It was our special time together. Which may be why I am still so anxious to go sit in his room when I get up in the mornings. I really miss our quiet and precious time together!

I also loved his tiny little chin...he had the biggest cheeks and this itty bitty chin...I LOVED IT! We would laugh because he looked so chubby when you had wrapped him in his blankets. He was really pretty long and lean. I remember Ryan calling me soon after Wyatt had landed in Little Rock and telling me how he had a swimmers body...and Ryan was ever so proud of the definition he had in his chest. We certainly had big plans for him.

I remember his sweet eyes and lips. So innocent, yet so full of life and meaning. I remember the way he would hold your finger ever so tightly...how strong his grip had gotten over time. I loved the way he would stretch with both of his arms in the air, the way he would let out a single cry just to make sure you knew he was there. I loved the way he would startle and throw his hands in the air every few minutes. I absolutely loved the way he would pout and stick his entire lower lip out...he had everyone wrapped around his finger and he knew it!

Wyatt loved to be held and rocked...he loved to be close. So, while I know he is not physically close, he is very close to our hearts. I am so thankful for our sweet little boy...our perfect little angel. I am ever so proud of the fight he put up and for the way he has touched so many of our lives. He is truly a gift from God and a blessing to all of us who carry him in our hearts! I love you sweet Wyatt...I always will!

Prince of Peace

Today Ryan and I had an appointment with a geneticist in Little Rock. I have to admit that while we did not expect to hear that Wyatt's condition was genetic (we had already heard that 2 tests they had run at Children's had come back normal) it was still a relief to hear again. We were basically told that given our families history and due to Wyatt's normal test results, the odds of recurrence will increase, but not significantly. And when I say that the odds of recurrence will increase I do not mean his specific condition, but the odds of having another baby with a congenital heart defect. Apparently there is a 1% chance of having a baby with a congenital heart defect. And now that we have had a child with a congenital heart defect, the chances of having another increases from 1% to 3-5%. This is definitely an answered prayer.

My Bible study tonight was on experiencing God's peace...how appropriate once more. I feel as though Ryan and I have certainly been blessed with God's peace these past few months. I know that the hurt is real, but I also know that if we completely surrender to Christ's authority and put our trust in Him, we will receive His peace. As I think and process all that we have been through I wonder how we have made it. I know we would never have made this journey so far had God not been close. The circumstances have been unpleasant, but we have never felt alone or abandoned. We have had such peace. Enough peace to carry us through, but also enough peace to enjoy our time with our precious son. What a gift! So, I have full confidence that while God carried us through those difficult days, He will continue to do so in the days to come. He will never leave us. What a wonderful God!

handle with care

As the day winds down, I feel so thankful...thankful for friends and family who have stood by us and at times carried us during this difficult time. I have been thinking a lot about our needs and our friends lately. I am sure that at times you feel as helpless as we do. Like there is nothing you can say or do to heal our pain...and you are right. There are no words to take this deep hurt away. However, just being with us and reminding us that there is good here on earth is healing. It may not take away the pain, but eases it at times. One of my very close friends has told me that she knows that she cannot take the pain away, but can provide a little sunshine here and there...and she is so right. I am painfully aware that it may feel awkward to be around us...like everyone is ignoring the elephant in the room. Please know that we are comforted by friends and please do not feel awkward. Our needs change moment by moment. We absolutely LOVE to talk about Wyatt. He is our son and just as any proud parent, we enjoy getting to share our memories of him. So, please do not be hesitant to talk about him or ask questions. We are AlWAYS thinking about him so please do not be afraid to bring him up. There may be days that we share our tears with you. Just know that if we do cry it not because of something you have said or done. We often try to hide our true feelings or tears to protect you and keep you from our pain. Please do be afraid if we cry. We are ok...in fact, just know that we are sharing our true feelings with you and that we feel comfortable letting down in front of you. If there is anything not to do, it is to act as though he did not exist. He is a HUGE part of our lives and always will be. And while we do NEED and enjoy talking about him, there are times we just want to be 'normal.' Whatever that means. We feel so far from ok or normal right now, but having time to kind of get away and just talk and relax is so nice as well. A little vacation from the hurt if you will.

If you are curious about how we are doing, we are surviving. I can't think of a better way to put it. Life is hard right now. I will not lie. There are days that I feel as though I cannot catch my breath. That just living takes everything out of me. Then there are days, when I feel a little lighter and make it through the day with an occasional smile or laugh. And while the ok or lighter days are few and far between, I suspect that there will be more of those days and less of the unbearable days in time. I think that many people think that with time we are healing and "getting better." And I so desperately wish I could say we are. However, as time passes, the pain seems to deepen. The shock is slowly wearing off. Everyday we have to wake up and face another day without our precious son. This is something we never could have prepared ourselves for. Each day we are reminded that not only is Wyatt not here, he is not coming back. We constantly think of what we would/should be doing with him at that very moment. There is so much grief for not having him here, but also for the things we will never get to do with him. Oh how we would love to see him smile, hear him say his first word, watch him play in the yard, make friends, etc. What I would give to have him in my arms again. There is such an emotional and physical pain. I want so badly to feel the weight of his tiny little body to whisper in his ear and tell him how much I love him. I want to know that he hears me and that he knows how much he means to us.

So, as our friends, please know that while we need to be handled with care, we do need you...we need you to hold our hands at times, we need you to listen to us, to be with us, and at times to laugh and smile with us. We simply need you. Thank you for being here.

faith

Several years ago I did a Beth Moore Bible study with a very dear friend. The study was incredible and I do not think I have ever felt closer to God. As I sit here today, having been through so much these past few months I have been drawn back to this study. The study was called "Believing God" and was focused on our faith...how appropriate at a time like this. I am reminded that we were created to please our Heavenly Father. Hebrews 11:6 says, "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." What a comforting thought. Yet, so simple and difficult at times. So, I begin today reminding myself what faith is...."Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1 Today I will focus on faith and rely on my Heavenly Father to sustain and heal our broken hearts...I believe that God is who He says He is. I believe that God is big...that He alone is Big enough for me and the pain in which I carry. I am so thankful to believe in a God who is simply enough.