a gentle day

Today has been such a sweet day. It is cold and raining outside, but I was able to spend the entire day with Ryan and eat lunch with some dear friends who are also traveling this long and painful road with us. It was so nice to see them and be able to talk...talk about our thoughts, our feelings, ask questions, and most importantly...share about our little ones. For a moment, we did not feel alone. Like someone understands our emotions and us. It was absolutely wonderful and uplifting. I hope we can do it again soon ;) At lunch, we talked about how awkward and hard it can be when someone asks you if you have any children. You never want to deny your child, yet it can be so difficult to answer this question. To be honest, I am not good at it. It is so hard to say yes and then follow that with "but he lives in Heaven." It takes about all I have to say this. I know it...but the words are so hard to say out loud. I laugh because I always find myself following that with it's ok. I feel such a need to protect those who ask. I don't want to make them uncomfortable or feel bad for asking. The other day, someone at the gym I work out at said hello and that I didn't even look I had had a baby. (She had seen me there working out while I was pregnant) at first, I said thanks and kept on walking. Then, I stopped and walked over and whispered to her that our baby had died. Of course I followed that with "but it's ok." She looked at me and said, "no it is not. I am so sorry." And I remember being so relieved. She was right. It is not ok! She did not seem worried that she had hurt my feelings, she did not back away, or even try to change the subject. I loved that she felt sorry for our loss...but that was it. It was so refreshing to be able to say that and not have someone awkwardly try to move on. So, while I am not good at this, it is something I will have to learn to do. There are so many things I will have to learn how to do...how to protect myself, how to acknowledge Wyatt's life without feeling guilty for making someone feel bad or for asking, and how to simply live without him. These are certainly not things I want to learn how to do....but must.