Wednesday, December 16, 2009
It is amazing to me how time is passing so quickly, yet I feel to be standing still. I am still as I remember what we have been through, still as I think of Wyatt and what it was like to be with him, still as I think about our future. I just cannot imagine having to live my entire life without our son. Yet, I know we will have to. We will have to be patient and wait. And while time is passing, I know that God is slowly healing my heart. The pain is constant and unrelenting, but it is more dull. I am at a place now that I simply miss him. There are not words to describe this, but just an emptiness I know will never be filled. People have told me that we will never heal from this, but will learn to live with it. I totally believe this. I will never stop hurting for Wyatt, my arms will not stop aching to hold him, and I will never stop thinking of him..every minute of everyday, but I will learn to live with this. I will learn and am learning how to keep living even though a piece of me is dead and gone. What a terribly difficult lesson to learn. But God is good and He will restore us and bring joy back into our lives. Of this I am also sure. I have been reading a book about grieving the death of a child...it is amazing! Truly amazing! In this book it talks about the depths of grief and sorrow. And while I was reading this, I came across something that really hit me. It says that there are lessons that we learn in the depths of our sorrow that we cannot learn anywhere else. Hmmm...something positive? One lesson we learn in the depths, is to live by faith. Loosing a child makes us realize how little we are in control. We will only survive by trusting God. How true this is. I have to say I feel so out of control...of everything. That I have been forced to TOTALLY give everything to God. I have learned in a very real way that I am simply here on this earth living...that I cannot make decisions about what happens to me or to the people I love. I am NOT in control. If I were, Wyatt would most definitely and literally be in my arms as I sit here this very moment. So, my faith is growing...constantly. The weaker I am, the more I accept God's presence in my life and my inability. While I miss Wyatt very much, I realize there are positive things coming from the short life he lived...and even his death. So while I cannot hold my little one, I will embrace my faith and my God in Heaven who loves me more than I can even imagine. What a blessing in such a very dark place.
Posted by jessica at 9:54 AM