Thursday, December 31, 2009

ok not to be ok

I was thinking the other day about how I just wish we could wake up and just be 'normal' again. Well, to be honest, this thought passes through my mind several times each day. And I started thinking about our friends and how painful it must be to watch us suffer from the outside... I am sure that they must get so tired of us and our needs. I know we are very needy at this time :) I am totally aware that we are not a whole lot of fun right now. But, thinking about this really made me thankful. Thankful for our friends who are still supporting us and loving on us. I am sure they want the "old" Ryan and Jessica back.....probably as much as we wish we were back. And while I am slowly seeing us "come back," I am so thankful for friends who love us anyways and who are waiting patiently for us. Please just keep waiting....we will be back....and hopefully better than before :)

While I was reading the other night, I came across something that really struck me. I think I want so badly to be ok...I can forget that is ok not to be ok. God does not expect me to pick up and keep moving. I loved that Beth Moore wrote that "God does not minimize the things that break our hearts." Jesus walked the earth and suffered here as we do. He wept and cried for the loss of his friend Lazarus. He truly felt the pain of a broken heart due to death and loss. How comforting to know that He has been here and felt these emotions. He truly knows our hearts. I also loved that Beth Moore wrote that "if we're so 'heavenly minded' that we grow out of touch with earthly hardships, somewhere we've missed an important priority of Christ. God left our bare feet on the hot pavement of earth so we could grow through our hurts, not ignore and refuse to feel our way through them." Amen to that! I am ever so thankful that God does not expect me to be ok. That He does not think that due to my faith, I should not allow myself to feel this pain. I know I will see Wyatt again in Heaven...and how thankful I am! But God knows that I will feel the pain of his death even though I believe in eternity. My faith brings me hope and healing, but it does not take away my pain. It is not a wounds cannot be covered to heal on their own. My wounds are deep and they will leave a scar...but with much care they will heal. Heal to a point that I can live again among the living. And I will learn from this pain. Wyatt's life will not be lost in vain. I have faith that good is and will come from this. I cannot pretend that this not a painful place....but I cannot ignore that even if it was not God's will for Wyatt to leave this earth so soon....He did allow it....and there is gain for Jesus' sake if we will allow His life to be revealed in us. So while I feel my way around this pain and grief, I pray that God will continue to help me to grow through these hurts.

"For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,
so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body."
2 Corinthians 4:11


  1. I think it's all about accepting the new normal, the new you.

    Where you are right now is totally normal and you will have dips and valleys and also mountaintop highs and soars....It's all normal.

    I think your friends do accept this new you.

    Thank God for real friends, huh?

    God bless you as He takes you further up and further in, onward and upward in 2010.

  2. Jess - I love you dearly and and am still crying with you up in Colorado. Avery would love it here! Kisses. Anna

  3. jess,
    you and ryan have been in my prayers over the christmas holiday. i am so glad that you all made it through it...i can't even begin to imagine how tough it must have been. my heart continues to ache for yall.
    love you,
    julie mckinney scarborough

  4. I adored the "old" you and I am amazed, inspired, and encouraged by and still adore the "new you"! Love you bunches, Jill

  5. Chad and I talked about you and Ryan on Christmas morning as we were opening were and are thought of A LOT!!!

    Sarah Wolff