Sunday, December 20, 2009

lesson two

While we are here, in the depths of our sorrow, we also learn to wait. Wait like I have never had to wait before. This is something I am terrible at! Really terrible at. Life has certainly slowed down...I am still running around like crazy, but I am so much more aware of every minute, every hour, of every day. I still feel as though I am constantly holding my breathe...trying with all my might to hold back my tears. Or to at least have a little more control over them. They still pour like rain, but I am learning to hold onto them until I have a minute alone to just let them pour. It is still exhausting. Exhausting to live and survive.
My thoughts are more focused and my actions more deliberate. I am focused on what truly matters...not the things that simply "fill" my life. I wait on the Lord to heal me, to heal my heart, to heal to my soul. I wait on the Lord to bring joy back to our lives. I wait on Lord to lead me...I wait on the Lord to welcome me home and back to "life" with my son.
Wyatt would have been 4 months old on Friday. It is so hard to believe he would be that old! I wish he were here. I wish I could see him face to face. See what he would look like big he would be....My heart aches for him....all the time.
I know that while I learn to wait, I must also learn to survive without him. To keep living even though I am tired. It is such a battle to survive and not give into the strong desire to simply lay down and let life pass by. To stop working at "getting better" and just let life happen. I can honestly say I do not want to let life just pass me by...but I am so worn out. It is while I am waiting, that I will truly get to know God. I need Him...I need Him to fill me up and keep me going.


  1. Jessica, love you friend!

    Wyatt would be even more handsome at four months than he was when he was born.

    "They that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength..." Isaiah 40:31

    Thinking of you so much this week and always.

  2. Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I. For you have been my refuge, a strong tower against the foe. I long to dwell in your tent forever and take refuge in the shelter of your wings. (Psalm 61:1-4)
    Love you!

  3. Sis and Ryan,
    I love you both so much. I am so proud of you for waiting on the Lord and allowing Him to fill you up each day. It is this very love and hope that overflows from you and has touched so many people because you allow Him to use you....thank you!!