a wearing week

Whew, what a week. I am exhausted and it has just begun. Right now I don't even know where to begin. I feel as though I am about to just break down, but I also feel so thankful at the same time. I am just glad we have made it through this past week. As you know, Wyatt would have been six months old on Thursday. It is so hard to believe! The pain is still so fresh. Saturday was my birthday...well mine, my sisters, and my dads. I am so thankful we all share this day. And so thankful we could all celebrate together. I have to admit, Saturday was really rough. I woke up crying and didn't feel as though I had the strength to get out of bed. This is really the first time I have truly felt like I couldn't make myself get up. I am so glad it is over. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss Wyatt...and even more on my birthday. And then there is today...the day 5 months ago that we so unexpectedly were forced to say our last goodbyes. I am glad for an emotional break for a while. Not that I think I won't have hard days, but at least a break from more firsts we will never have with him. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!

6 months

Today I am really trying to relish sweet memories and celebrate that six months ago, God blessed us with the most amazing gift. A gift that has changed our lives forever. Love you Wyatt!

I hear ya!

So, I went to Bible study this morning feeling pretty good...I've recognized that while I feel pretty good...there is always so much under the surface. So, while I am looking like I'm doing great on the outside and I've convinced myself of this as well...it doesn't take much to bring all of my many emotions to the surface. I have also realized that there is such a fine line between shedding tears and loosing control. Well, I think God was really wanting me to ride that fine line today :) and He just wanted to use Beth Moore to yell out at me. Well, she didn't yell, but she might of as well had. I was just sitting there thinking ok God...seriously! I hear you! Loud and clear. Just please don't "make" me loose control here...in front of all of these people. Who I am sure already think I am unstable to begin with. For some reason, being in church or in Bible Study really brings my feelings closer to the surface and harder to hide. So, while I tried to keep it together and just shed some tears...not loose control...because there would be NO going back after that....I heard what God had to say to me...I really listened. And while yes, I wanted so badly to just lay on the floor and let it all out...God had such comforting words to say. Our focus for our lesson today was how Esther moved from self-preservation to brave determination. Well, I can totally see how I might apply this to our situation...but this probably would not have left me bawling in front of LOTS of women. It probably wasn't until we got to the second point of the lesson...first she had a choice...and secondly, Esther faced the fear, that I realized God was talking and that I was to lisen. As I sat there, I was thinking how does this apply to me...heck, I've already lost a child...what else is there to fear....and then she made us look at a sentence in our workbook that read: and if ________, then ________. We were told not to fill this out but really think. And like I said, I thought well I guess one of my largest fears has already come true...I'm just living it out now. And then it hit me. I have HUGE fears. I've known this, but even though we are surviving a deep fear...I still fear not being able to be mom...ever....what if I loose another child...what if...what if....what if...the list could go on and on. And so as I sat there and cried and faced these fears Beth kept saying and then what....and then what....ok...so I've lost my baby, I have felt the weight of my baby in my arms while his soul was resting peacefully with His maker, I have buried my baby....my only child...I have chosen a cemetery and a specific plot for his body to rest, I have met with funeral directors, I have picked out flowers to lay upon his casket, I have stood over his grave and wept, I have cried countless tears...and then what....I pick myself up and keep going. Not without a HUGE hole in my heart....but nonetheless, I keep putting one foot in front of the other...every single day. And so while I think of this I continue to think and then what.....I keep living and relying on God.That's what. That is ALL I can do. And how thankful I am that everyday as I force myself out of bed or at night as I lay myself down to sleep, my Father in Heaven is looking down on me and saying "I will take care of you." He tells me that I am not to have conditional faith, but I am to face my fear and trust HIM. The most frequent command in the Bible is "do not be afraid." Not "do not sin"....DO NOT BE AFRAID. I feel so blessed to be loved by a Father who wants me to feel and be secure. Hebrews 2:14-15 says, "By embracing death, taking it into himself, he destroyed the Devils hold on death and freed all who cower through this life, scared to death of death." So while I fear death...death of loved ones...I will hold tight to John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they have life, and have it to the full." It is impossible to have abundant life if we live in fear of death. You cannot truly live if we are living in such fear. As Beth would say, death is not my destiny. So watch out! There is a lot of living left to do....and while there are days and while there will continue to be days that my fear overwhelms me...I will take courage in knowing that when I put my trust in God, I can STILL live an abundant life. What a blessing!

Whew, I almost want to shout "Amen" after all that :) While I am sure the girls in Bible study think I am on the edge of crazy...I am finding that I just on the edge of what God is trying to teach me and just beginning my journey to my destiny.

Love you

Today I just want to say "I love you" to all of you out there who have been so sweet to read this blog...which I am sure can be depressing at times....to those of you who remember us in your prayers, and to those of you who have allowed God to use you in our lives. I know Ryan and I would not be making it if it weren't for the love offerings you have made. Thank you! While I am really missing Wyatt today, I feel so loved. And I am so thankful that despite the pain, I can feel the warmth of your arms. I pray that you all feel loved today as well...that your cup runneth over. May the love, joy, and blessings that you have brought to us be returned on this day. Thank you again for your support, your sweet words, and for taking the time to care about us. I love you!

"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken."

Psalm 16:7-8

fear

Talking to a friend the other day, I voiced how our grief comes in waves. We are yet to experience true freedom from our grief, but there have been times of rest. At this time, I am experiencing some rest...but feel the grief creeping upon me. It is heavy, strong, and relentless. As I know we are approaching Wyatt's six month birthday I can't help but be flooded with thoughts about what he would look like and how he should almost be sitting up. Time has stood still here and I just want his little 7 lb. body back in my arms. I want to re-live these past six months with him here. I want so badly to watch him grow up and reach each of these milestones. Yet, I am here, just imaging what it would be like...what life should be like. There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that talks about how this isn't the way it could have been or should have been...but that this is the way it is. That song plays constantly in my mind...as I feel that this is not the way it could have been....but this is the way it is.
As I was doing my Bible study yesterday, I was reading about fear. While this is something that I will have to continuously fight, with God's help, I understand that I have to let Him bring me to a place where I trust Him...completely. There are brief moments that I am overcome with this peace...but there are certainly times my human nature allows me to experience pure fear. The study I am doing talked about how it is natural for us to plead for God to protect us from terrible things. And that when our fears become our reality we feel forsaken. This really makes me think...think about how we begged and pleaded for God to spare Wyatt's life and how our deepest fear became our reality. How it has made me question prayer and truly made me analyze my faith...but all of this analyzing and questioning has allowed my faith to grow deeper and stronger. I realize that I am not in control. That my life is not layed out the way I had planned...that to survive all of this...I have to trust God...alone. As I grieve, I often remind myself that God does not want to hurt his children. That there is redemption and fulfillment in living a life that honors our God our Savior. I look forward to this day.

Our Father's hands

I know it is my turn to embarrass myself, but I'll have to put that off :) I just can't help but share from my day today. God has truly shown himself throughout these past months and it is so encouraging to really reflect on His awesomeness. While there is so much to say about what He has done, I don't really even know how or where to start.

To begin, I had to have c-section...not planned, but hey this was just the beginning of God teaching a "planner" to let go. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I totally believe God had a reason for all of this...when Wyatt was born we did not know he had a heart defect. In fact, he had a very strong heartbeat in my womb and besides missing it on the ultrasound there was no other way to know of his condition. To make a long story a little shorter, I was induced the day after his due date...August 18th. I went all day on petocin and never made any progress...I'm not sure I even dilated past a one. Yikes! So, around six that evening we decided to have a c-section. I often wonder if Wyatt would have even made it through labor had we not. He never appeared sick or fragile (well maybe a little with all his tubes in the NICU and CVICU...but never puny) but I can't help but think God was just buying us time with him. I am just forever thankful that God had other plans...plans for us to spend time with our little boy.

Our next blessings presented themselves at Children's. We had the most wonderful and caring doctors and nurses. Friends and friends of friends had called people they knew that worked there...and we were surrounded by people who knew us or knew of us. Which I have to admit, was extremely comforting. We were unable to hold Wyatt in the NICU due to all of his tubes and the risk of moving him...however, the night before his surgery, God placed Wyatt in the care of a nurse who had attended the same high school as us. She had watched over Wyatt a lot that week. In fact, she was with him and with Ryan the day I arrived...I can't even begin to tell you comforting that was! But the night before surgery, she allowed/insisted that Ryan and I hold our precious baby. We had only held him for a short time after he was born since he was born so late and then taken in the middle of the night. So, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to not only hold him in our arms, but hold him before his surgery. Thank you God for placing us in the care of such a wonderful nurse!

Obviously, there is so much more...such as his successful surgery and success in recovery. But to lead up to the purpose of my post, I have to tell you that last February I took pictures of a little boy who was also diagnosed with a congenital heart defect soon after his birth. This sweet little boy was the poster child for the American Heart Association's Heart Gala last year. His mom was a teacher, as was I. So, I while I did not really know her, I knew of her and had met her through several friends. I was very interested in their family and their story and truly honored to take pictures of this handsome little boy. I also ended up taking family pictures of them in the summer before I had Wyatt. Well, as soon as she heard about Wyatt and his condition she was sending us texts and calling us in Little Rock to check in on us and offer support...as she had walked down the same halls, sat in the same waiting rooms, and lived in the same hospital as us. She knew the road we were traveling and the weight we carried as we fought for our child's life. I remember walking in the hospital one evening and receiving a text from her asking if we had met a particular nurse. What were the odds? He was our nurse that evening! I remember being so relieved as she told me how much they loved him...it always made me nervous when we would be assigned new nurses...you just get used to them and it is so hard to leave your child's life in someone else's hands...anyways, she continued to call and text throughout our stay in Little Rock. And since we have been back, Ryan and I have gone to eat with her and her husband and had the chance to get to know each other better. Which I am so thankful for! She has been volunteering for the American Heart Association...as this is close to her heart...so another long story a little shorter....She gave my name to the Heart Association here and I was able to volunteer to take pictures this morning of all of the sweethearts for the Heart Gala this coming May. The girls looked absolutely beautiful and their pictures will be in a local magazine. They will also be recognized at the gala in May. Ryan and I are planing on attending the gala with our new friends...the parents of last year's poster child....we absolutely cannot wait! So, today was a good day...a day to give back and be thankful. Thankful for the way God has been wrapping His loving arms around us and thankful for the way He continues to work and show himself in our lives. I feel so honored to have been able to help today and to be so loved from our Father in Heaven...to see that He never takes His eyes or hands off of us.

going red!

Ok so this isn't about shoes...although I love them...today is about something much more important! Today is National wear red day to draw attention to heart disease and support the American Heart Association. It is hard to believe, but one in three people will be affected by Heart Disease. I know that at times, we all feel invincible...and I will admit that I long for that feeling again, but while I have lived a wonderful life, two of my family members have been diagnosed with some shape or form of heart disease or congenital heart defect. My dad had quadruple bypass only a few years ago and then Wyatt who was born with double outlet right ventricle with pulmonary and mitral artersia. While the victims in my family have both been male, a staggering 430,000 women are silenced each year by cardiovascular disease. And most of these deaths are preventable. So, today we are wearing red to honor these women...these mothers, daughters, aunts, grandmothers, and sisters... and promote awareness.

Grayson

Such exciting news...Grayson Pelham Farmer has made his arrival (he belongs to my dear friend Kristi I wrote about in another post)! I'm so excited...he is such a beautiful little boy...and he is a healthy 7 lbs 3 oz...just like his buddy Wyatt. I wish Wyatt was here to meet him. Love you both!

my sweet husband

Well...it has been a very busy couple of days. Ryan and I are doing are our very best to stay busy right now. Winter is not my favorite season to begin with, but being stuck inside and empty handed is down right painful. So, to my advantage, we worked on my "office" this weekend. New paint and a new arrangement and we are set. I have to say it looks so much better. It is not finished, but it is on its way. I am so thankful for a handy husband...who is willing to use his handiness! He is truly amazing. I feel so blessed to be married to him. I know that the magnitude of what we are going through can be devastating to a relationship...and I totally see how it could be....but Ryan and I are making our way through this together. And I am ever so thankful! I would never want to live life with out my son and husband. What a dreadful thought. He still makes me smile, laugh, and continue living.

And speaking of smiling and laughing...I haven't shared some of our humorous stories while we were at Children's...hard to believe...but we laughed a lot there too. My favorite memory is a funny story about Ryan. I totally embarrassed my self while we were there... but it is so much more fun to tell you about his embarrassing moment...maybe because he NEVER does anything stupid. Or at least, other people think that. Anyways, I pumped the entire time we were there. I had to store my milk in the NICU which was on the 3rd floor. We were living on the 4th. Not real convenient. At night, they would let me store my milk in the unit across the hall. Close, but still out of our unit and across the hall. I am one of those who refuses to walk around in pajamas in front of strangers. So, you can only imagine how annoying it was to pump and then get up, get dressed, and head to the refrigerator in the unit across the hall...and yes there were lots of nurses and doctors in the other unit. One night, we were getting ready for bed and I had just pumped. So sweet Ryan offered to take the milk across the hall. Of course, I let him. When he walked back in the room I told him thank you and just happend to turn around and catch a glimpse of something white...hmmm....he had toilet paper hanging from the wasteband of his shorts. I, sure there was a really good reason for this that I just hadn't thought of, asked him why he had toilet paper hanging from his shorts. Much to my surprise, he didn't know it was there. I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed. I will spare you the details....really for his sake....but we'll just say the bathrooms gave us the creeps so the toilet paper had been protection if you will. It had just gotten caught in his pants when he stood up. I just love envisioning him walking through the units while this toilet paper floated behind him. And better yet, it wasn't even on purpose! I am so thankful for a husband who occasionally embarrasses himself. It is nice not to be alone!