Talking to a friend the other day, I voiced how our grief comes in waves. We are yet to experience true freedom from our grief, but there have been times of rest. At this time, I am experiencing some rest...but feel the grief creeping upon me. It is heavy, strong, and relentless. As I know we are approaching Wyatt's six month birthday I can't help but be flooded with thoughts about what he would look like and how he should almost be sitting up. Time has stood still here and I just want his little 7 lb. body back in my arms. I want to re-live these past six months with him here. I want so badly to watch him grow up and reach each of these milestones. Yet, I am here, just imaging what it would be like...what life should be like. There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that talks about how this isn't the way it could have been or should have been...but that this is the way it is. That song plays constantly in my mind...as I feel that this is not the way it could have been....but this is the way it is.
As I was doing my Bible study yesterday, I was reading about fear. While this is something that I will have to continuously fight, with God's help, I understand that I have to let Him bring me to a place where I trust Him...completely. There are brief moments that I am overcome with this peace...but there are certainly times my human nature allows me to experience pure fear. The study I am doing talked about how it is natural for us to plead for God to protect us from terrible things. And that when our fears become our reality we feel forsaken. This really makes me think...think about how we begged and pleaded for God to spare Wyatt's life and how our deepest fear became our reality. How it has made me question prayer and truly made me analyze my faith...but all of this analyzing and questioning has allowed my faith to grow deeper and stronger. I realize that I am not in control. That my life is not layed out the way I had planned...that to survive all of this...I have to trust God...alone. As I grieve, I often remind myself that God does not want to hurt his children. That there is redemption and fulfillment in living a life that honors our God our Savior. I look forward to this day.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Our Father's hands
I know it is my turn to embarrass myself, but I'll have to put that off :) I just can't help but share from my day today. God has truly shown himself throughout these past months and it is so encouraging to really reflect on His awesomeness. While there is so much to say about what He has done, I don't really even know how or where to start.
To begin, I had to have c-section...not planned, but hey this was just the beginning of God teaching a "planner" to let go. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I totally believe God had a reason for all of this...when Wyatt was born we did not know he had a heart defect. In fact, he had a very strong heartbeat in my womb and besides missing it on the ultrasound there was no other way to know of his condition. To make a long story a little shorter, I was induced the day after his due date...August 18th. I went all day on petocin and never made any progress...I'm not sure I even dilated past a one. Yikes! So, around six that evening we decided to have a c-section. I often wonder if Wyatt would have even made it through labor had we not. He never appeared sick or fragile (well maybe a little with all his tubes in the NICU and CVICU...but never puny) but I can't help but think God was just buying us time with him. I am just forever thankful that God had other plans...plans for us to spend time with our little boy.
Our next blessings presented themselves at Children's. We had the most wonderful and caring doctors and nurses. Friends and friends of friends had called people they knew that worked there...and we were surrounded by people who knew us or knew of us. Which I have to admit, was extremely comforting. We were unable to hold Wyatt in the NICU due to all of his tubes and the risk of moving him...however, the night before his surgery, God placed Wyatt in the care of a nurse who had attended the same high school as us. She had watched over Wyatt a lot that week. In fact, she was with him and with Ryan the day I arrived...I can't even begin to tell you comforting that was! But the night before surgery, she allowed/insisted that Ryan and I hold our precious baby. We had only held him for a short time after he was born since he was born so late and then taken in the middle of the night. So, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to not only hold him in our arms, but hold him before his surgery. Thank you God for placing us in the care of such a wonderful nurse!
Obviously, there is so much more...such as his successful surgery and success in recovery. But to lead up to the purpose of my post, I have to tell you that last February I took pictures of a little boy who was also diagnosed with a congenital heart defect soon after his birth. This sweet little boy was the poster child for the American Heart Association's Heart Gala last year. His mom was a teacher, as was I. So, I while I did not really know her, I knew of her and had met her through several friends. I was very interested in their family and their story and truly honored to take pictures of this handsome little boy. I also ended up taking family pictures of them in the summer before I had Wyatt. Well, as soon as she heard about Wyatt and his condition she was sending us texts and calling us in Little Rock to check in on us and offer support...as she had walked down the same halls, sat in the same waiting rooms, and lived in the same hospital as us. She knew the road we were traveling and the weight we carried as we fought for our child's life. I remember walking in the hospital one evening and receiving a text from her asking if we had met a particular nurse. What were the odds? He was our nurse that evening! I remember being so relieved as she told me how much they loved him...it always made me nervous when we would be assigned new nurses...you just get used to them and it is so hard to leave your child's life in someone else's hands...anyways, she continued to call and text throughout our stay in Little Rock. And since we have been back, Ryan and I have gone to eat with her and her husband and had the chance to get to know each other better. Which I am so thankful for! She has been volunteering for the American Heart Association...as this is close to her heart...so another long story a little shorter....She gave my name to the Heart Association here and I was able to volunteer to take pictures this morning of all of the sweethearts for the Heart Gala this coming May. The girls looked absolutely beautiful and their pictures will be in a local magazine. They will also be recognized at the gala in May. Ryan and I are planing on attending the gala with our new friends...the parents of last year's poster child....we absolutely cannot wait! So, today was a good day...a day to give back and be thankful. Thankful for the way God has been wrapping His loving arms around us and thankful for the way He continues to work and show himself in our lives. I feel so honored to have been able to help today and to be so loved from our Father in Heaven...to see that He never takes His eyes or hands off of us.
To begin, I had to have c-section...not planned, but hey this was just the beginning of God teaching a "planner" to let go. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I totally believe God had a reason for all of this...when Wyatt was born we did not know he had a heart defect. In fact, he had a very strong heartbeat in my womb and besides missing it on the ultrasound there was no other way to know of his condition. To make a long story a little shorter, I was induced the day after his due date...August 18th. I went all day on petocin and never made any progress...I'm not sure I even dilated past a one. Yikes! So, around six that evening we decided to have a c-section. I often wonder if Wyatt would have even made it through labor had we not. He never appeared sick or fragile (well maybe a little with all his tubes in the NICU and CVICU...but never puny) but I can't help but think God was just buying us time with him. I am just forever thankful that God had other plans...plans for us to spend time with our little boy.
Our next blessings presented themselves at Children's. We had the most wonderful and caring doctors and nurses. Friends and friends of friends had called people they knew that worked there...and we were surrounded by people who knew us or knew of us. Which I have to admit, was extremely comforting. We were unable to hold Wyatt in the NICU due to all of his tubes and the risk of moving him...however, the night before his surgery, God placed Wyatt in the care of a nurse who had attended the same high school as us. She had watched over Wyatt a lot that week. In fact, she was with him and with Ryan the day I arrived...I can't even begin to tell you comforting that was! But the night before surgery, she allowed/insisted that Ryan and I hold our precious baby. We had only held him for a short time after he was born since he was born so late and then taken in the middle of the night. So, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to not only hold him in our arms, but hold him before his surgery. Thank you God for placing us in the care of such a wonderful nurse!
Obviously, there is so much more...such as his successful surgery and success in recovery. But to lead up to the purpose of my post, I have to tell you that last February I took pictures of a little boy who was also diagnosed with a congenital heart defect soon after his birth. This sweet little boy was the poster child for the American Heart Association's Heart Gala last year. His mom was a teacher, as was I. So, I while I did not really know her, I knew of her and had met her through several friends. I was very interested in their family and their story and truly honored to take pictures of this handsome little boy. I also ended up taking family pictures of them in the summer before I had Wyatt. Well, as soon as she heard about Wyatt and his condition she was sending us texts and calling us in Little Rock to check in on us and offer support...as she had walked down the same halls, sat in the same waiting rooms, and lived in the same hospital as us. She knew the road we were traveling and the weight we carried as we fought for our child's life. I remember walking in the hospital one evening and receiving a text from her asking if we had met a particular nurse. What were the odds? He was our nurse that evening! I remember being so relieved as she told me how much they loved him...it always made me nervous when we would be assigned new nurses...you just get used to them and it is so hard to leave your child's life in someone else's hands...anyways, she continued to call and text throughout our stay in Little Rock. And since we have been back, Ryan and I have gone to eat with her and her husband and had the chance to get to know each other better. Which I am so thankful for! She has been volunteering for the American Heart Association...as this is close to her heart...so another long story a little shorter....She gave my name to the Heart Association here and I was able to volunteer to take pictures this morning of all of the sweethearts for the Heart Gala this coming May. The girls looked absolutely beautiful and their pictures will be in a local magazine. They will also be recognized at the gala in May. Ryan and I are planing on attending the gala with our new friends...the parents of last year's poster child....we absolutely cannot wait! So, today was a good day...a day to give back and be thankful. Thankful for the way God has been wrapping His loving arms around us and thankful for the way He continues to work and show himself in our lives. I feel so honored to have been able to help today and to be so loved from our Father in Heaven...to see that He never takes His eyes or hands off of us.
Friday, February 5, 2010
going red!
Ok so this isn't about shoes...although I love them...today is about something much more important! Today is National wear red day to draw attention to heart disease and support the American Heart Association. It is hard to believe, but one in three people will be affected by Heart Disease. I know that at times, we all feel invincible...and I will admit that I long for that feeling again, but while I have lived a wonderful life, two of my family members have been diagnosed with some shape or form of heart disease or congenital heart defect. My dad had quadruple bypass only a few years ago and then Wyatt who was born with double outlet right ventricle with pulmonary and mitral artersia. While the victims in my family have both been male, a staggering 430,000 women are silenced each year by cardiovascular disease. And most of these deaths are preventable. So, today we are wearing red to honor these women...these mothers, daughters, aunts, grandmothers, and sisters... and promote awareness.
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Grayson
Such exciting news...Grayson Pelham Farmer has made his arrival (he belongs to my dear friend Kristi I wrote about in another post)! I'm so excited...he is such a beautiful little boy...and he is a healthy 7 lbs 3 oz...just like his buddy Wyatt. I wish Wyatt was here to meet him. Love you both!
Monday, February 1, 2010
my sweet husband
Well...it has been a very busy couple of days. Ryan and I are doing are our very best to stay busy right now. Winter is not my favorite season to begin with, but being stuck inside and empty handed is down right painful. So, to my advantage, we worked on my "office" this weekend. New paint and a new arrangement and we are set. I have to say it looks so much better. It is not finished, but it is on its way. I am so thankful for a handy husband...who is willing to use his handiness! He is truly amazing. I feel so blessed to be married to him. I know that the magnitude of what we are going through can be devastating to a relationship...and I totally see how it could be....but Ryan and I are making our way through this together. And I am ever so thankful! I would never want to live life with out my son and husband. What a dreadful thought. He still makes me smile, laugh, and continue living.
And speaking of smiling and laughing...I haven't shared some of our humorous stories while we were at Children's...hard to believe...but we laughed a lot there too. My favorite memory is a funny story about Ryan. I totally embarrassed my self while we were there... but it is so much more fun to tell you about his embarrassing moment...maybe because he NEVER does anything stupid. Or at least, other people think that. Anyways, I pumped the entire time we were there. I had to store my milk in the NICU which was on the 3rd floor. We were living on the 4th. Not real convenient. At night, they would let me store my milk in the unit across the hall. Close, but still out of our unit and across the hall. I am one of those who refuses to walk around in pajamas in front of strangers. So, you can only imagine how annoying it was to pump and then get up, get dressed, and head to the refrigerator in the unit across the hall...and yes there were lots of nurses and doctors in the other unit. One night, we were getting ready for bed and I had just pumped. So sweet Ryan offered to take the milk across the hall. Of course, I let him. When he walked back in the room I told him thank you and just happend to turn around and catch a glimpse of something white...hmmm....he had toilet paper hanging from the wasteband of his shorts. I, sure there was a really good reason for this that I just hadn't thought of, asked him why he had toilet paper hanging from his shorts. Much to my surprise, he didn't know it was there. I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed. I will spare you the details....really for his sake....but we'll just say the bathrooms gave us the creeps so the toilet paper had been protection if you will. It had just gotten caught in his pants when he stood up. I just love envisioning him walking through the units while this toilet paper floated behind him. And better yet, it wasn't even on purpose! I am so thankful for a husband who occasionally embarrasses himself. It is nice not to be alone!
And speaking of smiling and laughing...I haven't shared some of our humorous stories while we were at Children's...hard to believe...but we laughed a lot there too. My favorite memory is a funny story about Ryan. I totally embarrassed my self while we were there... but it is so much more fun to tell you about his embarrassing moment...maybe because he NEVER does anything stupid. Or at least, other people think that. Anyways, I pumped the entire time we were there. I had to store my milk in the NICU which was on the 3rd floor. We were living on the 4th. Not real convenient. At night, they would let me store my milk in the unit across the hall. Close, but still out of our unit and across the hall. I am one of those who refuses to walk around in pajamas in front of strangers. So, you can only imagine how annoying it was to pump and then get up, get dressed, and head to the refrigerator in the unit across the hall...and yes there were lots of nurses and doctors in the other unit. One night, we were getting ready for bed and I had just pumped. So sweet Ryan offered to take the milk across the hall. Of course, I let him. When he walked back in the room I told him thank you and just happend to turn around and catch a glimpse of something white...hmmm....he had toilet paper hanging from the wasteband of his shorts. I, sure there was a really good reason for this that I just hadn't thought of, asked him why he had toilet paper hanging from his shorts. Much to my surprise, he didn't know it was there. I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed. I will spare you the details....really for his sake....but we'll just say the bathrooms gave us the creeps so the toilet paper had been protection if you will. It had just gotten caught in his pants when he stood up. I just love envisioning him walking through the units while this toilet paper floated behind him. And better yet, it wasn't even on purpose! I am so thankful for a husband who occasionally embarrasses himself. It is nice not to be alone!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
thanks jess!
I never respond to comments...even though I ALWAYS read them (over and over)...but I just had to today. Thanks so much Jessica! This thought had never come to mind and it really made my day. Thank you for reminding me that I was enough. There are certainly days I wish I could have been more for him. In fact, the day Wyatt passed away, I remember standing outside our door while they x-rayed his stomach and just crying. Not because I was scared at that moment...or because I couldn't take any more...but because I wanted to be enough for our little guy. I did not want to have to depend on anyone to take care of him. I simply wanted to do it....all by myself. But, you are right Jess, for a time, I was able to take care of my little man all by myself. What a satisfying thought! I will treasure this forever.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
unnoticed
Today as I was driving around running errands I began thinking...thinking about my friends and how truly wonderful they are. I feel so incredibly blessed to have friends who are still taking care of us...4 months later. I want each of you to know that it does not go unnoticed.
I often think of my time running or decorating :) with Amelia. And how she just lets me vent. Believe me, I know I go on and on and on. I even get tired of hearing myself talk. I can't imagine what she is thinking. But what a super friend to just let me talk her ear off...all the time. There are days I don't think I have much to say and then an hour later I am still going strong. I feel so blessed to have a friend with such a sensitive heart and open ears.
I think of Leslie who is by far the most wonderful sister in the world...the way she calls me several times a day to make sure I am doing ok, or texts me every morning to say hello, or how she is constantly sending me bible verses, or offering to come over and distract me for a while...I wonder how she ever gets any work done...for she is always worrying about me. Even when there is no need. I am so thankful for a sister who loves me more than I love myself at times.
I think of Kristi and the messages she sends me, the way she sits and lets me cry when I need to, the little cake she brought over to celebrate Wyatt with us, the way she was at our door within the hour we arrived back home and has continued to show up at our door, the way she encourages me and is on my side. I know she has a little one on the way and is so very excited as she very well should be....but I am so grateful that she has let me be excited with her and yet still so understanding of where I am. What a blessing to have a friend with such an empathetic heart and open arms.
Words cannot express how truly thankful I am for friends like these. I laugh at times and try to remind myself to be more cautious...I think at times I accidentally make it all about me...and while these friends have totally let me...I am totally aware that it is not all about me. So, thank you sweet friends for everything. For picking me up, holding me up, and for being the best friends and listeners I could ever ask for. I am truly blessed...and trust me it doesn't go unnoticed! I love you!
this picture is obviously from right before I had Wyatt...I think we were both begging him to come out. We were so anxious to meet him!
I often think of my time running or decorating :) with Amelia. And how she just lets me vent. Believe me, I know I go on and on and on. I even get tired of hearing myself talk. I can't imagine what she is thinking. But what a super friend to just let me talk her ear off...all the time. There are days I don't think I have much to say and then an hour later I am still going strong. I feel so blessed to have a friend with such a sensitive heart and open ears.
I think of Leslie who is by far the most wonderful sister in the world...the way she calls me several times a day to make sure I am doing ok, or texts me every morning to say hello, or how she is constantly sending me bible verses, or offering to come over and distract me for a while...I wonder how she ever gets any work done...for she is always worrying about me. Even when there is no need. I am so thankful for a sister who loves me more than I love myself at times.
I think of Kristi and the messages she sends me, the way she sits and lets me cry when I need to, the little cake she brought over to celebrate Wyatt with us, the way she was at our door within the hour we arrived back home and has continued to show up at our door, the way she encourages me and is on my side. I know she has a little one on the way and is so very excited as she very well should be....but I am so grateful that she has let me be excited with her and yet still so understanding of where I am. What a blessing to have a friend with such an empathetic heart and open arms.
Words cannot express how truly thankful I am for friends like these. I laugh at times and try to remind myself to be more cautious...I think at times I accidentally make it all about me...and while these friends have totally let me...I am totally aware that it is not all about me. So, thank you sweet friends for everything. For picking me up, holding me up, and for being the best friends and listeners I could ever ask for. I am truly blessed...and trust me it doesn't go unnoticed! I love you!
this picture is obviously from right before I had Wyatt...I think we were both begging him to come out. We were so anxious to meet him!
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