moment by moment

as august winds down we have survived yet another first and a year has passed since our sweet boy was born. it is so hard to believe he would be a year old. it is also so hard to believe that we have made it this far. i'm not really sure where the time has gone. it certainly has stood still in some aspects and disappeared in others. i think our year has been all about survival and so far we have at least done this. i have to admit, there have been moments i did not think we could make it this far. had it not been for the grace of God and the prayers and love of our friends i am certain our lives would look a lot different today. this year has been about taking life moment by moment. each week, each day, each moment is different. and there is certainly no way to predict our emotions or feelings. so step by step we have made it this far. as i think back over the past year, i cannot begin to tell you how much our friends have done for us...and usually when they didn't even know it. the texts, emails, cards, calls have meant the world. i have been so blessed to have friends just show up and check in. there have been days i just to needed to talk and i have had friends who have just listened. there are times there have been no words...but it has been comforting to just sit with someone. i realize you don't always know what to say or not to say, but God uses you in ways only He can when you allow Him...so thank you. thank you for taking care of us this past year and for continuing to do so as we continue to take our lives moment by moment. the video below is a small look into our past year...from having wyatt to last wednesday...his birthday...from planting a tree in his memory to his celebration dinner. i know i have left so much out...is just impossible to capture it all...but i wanted to look back and savor our past as we look forward to our future.

happy first birthday sweet wyatt

as i read this the other day, i couldn't help but think how accurately this sums up our past year...during this year it has been so difficult to separate the sorrow from the joy in our lives.

"sorrow was beautiful, but her beauty was the beauty of the moonlight shining through the leafy branches of the trees in the wood, and making little pools of silver here and there in the soft green moss below.
when sorrow sang, her notes were like the low sweet call of the nightingale, and in her eyes was the unexpectant gaze of one who has ceased to look for coming gladness. she could weep in tender sympathy with those who weep, but to rejoice with those who rejoice was unknown to her.
joy was beautiful, too, but his was the radiant beauty of the summer morning. his eyes still held the glad laughter of childhood, and his hair had the glint of sunshine's kiss. when joy sang his voice soared upward as the lark's, and his step was the step of a conqueror who has never known defeat. he could rejoice with all who rejoice, but to weep with those who weep was unknown to him.
'but we can never be united,' said sorrow wistfully.
'no, never.' and joy's eyes shadowed as he spoke.
'my path lies through the sunlit meadows, the sweetest roses bloom for my gathering, and the blackbirds and thrushes await my coming to pour forth their moist joyous lays.'

'my path,' said sorrow, turning slowly away, 'leads through the darkening woods; with moonflowers only shall my hands be filled. yet the sweetest of all earth songs-the love song of the night-shall be mine; farewell, joy, farewell.'

even as she spoke they become conscious of a form standing beside them; dimly seen, but of kingly Presence, and a great and holy awe stole over them as they sank on their knees before Him.

'i see Him as the King of Joy,' whispered sorrow, 'for on His head are many crowns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of great victory. before Him all my sorrow is melting away into deathless love and gladness, and i give myself to Him forever.'

'nay, sorrow," said joy softly, 'but i see Him as the King of Sorrow, and the crown on His head is a crown of thorns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of great agony. i too, give myself to Him forever, for sorrow with Him must be sweeter than any joy i have ever known.'

'then we are one in Him,' they cried in gladness, 'for none but He could unite joy and sorrow.'

hand in hand they passed out into the world to follow Him through storm and sunshine, in the bleakness of winter cold and the warmth of summer gladness, as sorrowful yet always rejoicing."

Gregory Floyd

both joy and sorrow have been prominent in our lives over the past year. woven together and never separated. we have experienced pure joy and such sadness over the short life of wyatt. from the celebration of his birth to the sorrow of his condition. from the joy of his recovery to the sorrow of his journey. from the joy for his new life with our Father in Heaven and the sorrow of being left behind. the two have never been separated. how great is our Father that we can experience both simultaneously. that we are not overcome with joy to be let down to sorrow. that we are not hopeless in sorrow and have reason to believe joy is coming in the morning.

wyatt, we miss you so very much, but we celebrate your life and the lives you have forever changed. we celebrate as sorrowful yet always rejoicing. happy first birthday to a boy who has touched many beyond his years. we love you!

the perfect start to a hard week...

my friend bek came over again this afternoon. i had really missed spending time with her. there is something so wonderful in taking time to work on something that is made in honor of wyatt...to share it and him with someone is even more incredible. i am so sad our project is almost over. just a few coats of sealer and we are finished...maybe we can start another one sometime soon :) today we poured a CLEAR wax over the canvas...we were both a tad hesatent after our last adventure with the beeswax (which was yellow and we had to scrape off with knives) but this worked great. i wish you could see it in person. there is so much depth and texture it is beautiful. the third picture is of the heart we attached today. as some of you may remember, my mom peeled all of the tiny labels from wyatt's milk bottles and formed them into this beautiful heart. what a tangible reminder of where we have been...and what has been ours. the canvas has turned out beyond my expectations. thank you bek for taking time out of your busy life and away from your sweet little one to help heal my heart.

as we start this week, i'm not really sure where to begin. i will say i am doing much better at the moment than i could have ever expected. my heart is definitely heavy and there are moments i cannot catch my breath but thankfully God has been good to fill me up in ways only He can. i am so thankful that He knows the depth of my pain and the depth of my loss. for as He knows these things, He brings peace to my broken heart. it is not a peace that makes me miss wyatt any less, but a peace that allows me to survive this life here on earth. i don't miss wyatt anymore today than i did yesterday or the day before...that would be impossible. but, as his birthday creeps up i find myself missing more of what could have been. at times like these, there are moments my mind wonders to places i rarely let it go. to the details of the night wyatt passed away. to the terror i felt as they prepared him for emergency surgery, to the helplessness i felt as we watched our little boy's body fail. i so vividly recall the details of that night. the ups and downs. i remember the way it felt to hold and touch his sweet face after we had lost him. how scared i was to see him. not knowing when death would set in and so afraid the memories of life would be erased in a moments time. i remember so much. most days, i tend to linger on the way it felt to hold him, how tightly he would wrap his little hand around our fingers, how sweet he looked as he slept in our arms. i tend to remember the details of his life and not focus on the details of his death. but at times such as this, these thoughts tend to linger a little longer. i am so thankful God is ever so present as these thoughts make their presence known. may He continue to protect our hearts and hold us close. as we begin this week, i am so looking forward to celebrating wyatt's life. i celebrate all that he was, all that he is, and all that he will be. we love you wyatt!

"my flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever"

Psalm 26:73

selecting a marker

this weekend ryan and i went to choose a marker for wyatt. this was something we had been putting off for quite some time....and to be honest, had gotten pretty good at it. we just felt like there was something so final to picking it out. and honestly, deep down, i still liked having something to do for wyatt. it was the only way i could still take care of him. i also was afraid it would be very emotional and was not sure i wanted to put ourselves through it. it was kind of the thought that when we're doing ok let's enjoy being ok and when times are rough let's not make it worse. but, we made the decision about a week ago that it was time. and much to our surprise, it was not near as terrible as we thought it was going to be. i will admit there moments i was fighting back tears, but the lady we worked with was incredible. she was so sensitive and sincere, yet still upbeat and happy which made her a joy to work with. i had visited with her on the phone friday before we went out there to give her a rough idea of what we were looking for. this may sound funny, but ryan and i both wanted something simple and even vintage looking if there is such a thing. we know it will not come aged, but we both agreed that we did not want a shiny marker. it's so funny how everyone is different....i'm just glad ryan and i agreed :) we walked around the cemetery with the lady who was helping us and fairly quickly we were able to come up with some ideas of what we wanted. the exciting part is that there is not another marker in the cemetery like the one we want. so it will be unique and special just like our little boy. we haven't totally decided if we want an upright or a bevel (which is flat but raised up about 4 inches from the ground). i'll keep you posted on the one we choose. i cannot wait to show it to you. over these past months, i have come to realize just how differently people grieve and handle loss. i know that choosing a marker is no different...that being said, while i know we put off picking out his marker for so long, as we left the cemetery saturday i was so glad we waited until we did. i had felt guilty for not doing this before now, but i feel like we were really able to select what we wanted this weekend, while i am not sure i would have been able to do so before. for one, i did not have a clue what i wanted. but i also think i would have been so overcome by grief that in a way i would not have been able to think straight about this important decision. i remember walking through the cemetery before wyatt's funeral trying to figure out which plot we wanted and to be honest, nothing was going to be good enough. i had no idea of what i wanted or where a good place would be. while i am very happy with the spot we chose, there is such a difference in making these decisions today. it will most likely take four to six weeks to get it from the time we order, but i will be sure to post some pictures and tell you all about it.