happy father's day!

i know wyatt is looking down today thanking God for such an amazing dad. i hate that he cannot be here loving on ryan today, but i pray that ryan feels his presence. i knew ryan was going to be a good dad...there was never a doubt in my mind...but there are no words to express how wonderful of a dad he is. i keep thinking about the way he followed wyatt to the hospital and how he had to deal with so much by himself. how he fought off sleep by wyatt's side in the NICU and then ended up sleeping in the car because he did not want to leave him. i think about how he never complained about taking care of wyatt or myself. he has truly been selfless. i am amazed by his strength and know wyatt and i are blessed to know this man. we love you!

10 months

it's hard to believe that tomorrow wyatt would be 10 months old. i'm not really sure where the time has gone. i keep finding myself thinking of things we should be doing and how big he would be. i think about how i would be working on his birthday party...i know it would still be 2 months away, but i have day dreamed about his birthday since we found out we were pregnant. i was so excited he would be born in august...i wanted to have all of our friends and family over to celebrate. i wanted to be outside soaking it all in. now instead, i dread this day. i can't help but cry every time i think about how we are going to make it through. i know we will though. just like every other day. i think i spend more time getting anxious and upset over days and then when they arrive we survive. just like every other day. i think i hoped that there was something magical about a year and that once we had made it through all of the firsts life would be easier. sadly, i realize that this is not totally true. there is nothing magical about a year. it is just a year without my sweet boy. i am sure with time the pain will lessen, but there is not a schedule or a time frame from which i can expect this. i am learning more and more everyday how to rely on God. i am to a point, that i am too tired to make it on my own. i know there are days i push Him away. not always on purpose, but sometimes to "protect" myself. i cannot lie, it is tiring to pour your heart out all the time...and so at times, i build a wall. but these are the days i feel Him the closest. i love that He knows my heart and while i may get defensive with Him He knows that i love him and need him. i love that He loves me despite my emotions. what an awesome father.

bek came back!

yea! today bek came over and we started painting! it was so nice to see her and to paint a little. i have really missed her! it is such good therapy to paint but also just to spend that time talking. so thanks for spending the afternoon with me! we had quite the time :) i laugh because the painting looks so simple and abstract...but when you start trying to get it down on canvas things get a little more difficult. from the beginning, i knew i wanted the verses to be the background of the painting. i want you to be able to see them and read bits and pieces of them, but i didn't want the verses to be the art work. i really wanted a piece i could hang just about anywhere and not get tired of. i also didn't want it it to look crafty. lots of requirements, huh?! i'm not real into abstract art, but i do love aspects of it at times....usually the colors and the ways they blend together. so when i saw this painting on the internet i thought it would be the perfect painting....it looks like a piece of art and you would still be able to see the verses without them being the focus....perfect. if only i could paint like this :)

i was a little nervous to start the loops on it. i had practiced, but let's just say ryan was FAR from impressed and thought it might be better to let bek do her thing. i'll admit, i agreed! however, bek just wouldn't do it :) i don't think she wanted to be held responsible. ha! so, with a little encouragement and a pep talk, i got started. i'm almost embarrassed to post a picture so close to the one i was attempting to imitate :)....

my version is not quite a as busy as the true artists but i was afraid i would totally over do it and liked the big loops. one thing we really wanted on this canvas was lots of texture. it is hard to see from the pictures, but we're getting there. one way to add texture was to cover the canvas in wax. well...that turned into an adventure. we started putting the wax on and i noticed that the painting was turning a little yellow. hmmm....not really what we had in mind. so we tried painting a little varnish on to see if that would clear things up....nope. so off it came. we got most of the wax off with butter knives :) needless to say, we touched it up a little and stopped there for the day. i think my arm may be sore tomorrow. i still LOVE the idea of coating it in wax so i'm going to find some clear wax and coat it with that. we'll see! i may be scraping again, but hey at least you can't really mess anything up. i'll be sure to post some more pictures when it is totally complete! and bek thanks again for all your help!!!

purpose

ok, so i'm not as computer savvy as i would like to think...so you'll have to go to the link :). but i just love this lesson. occasionally i need to be reminded that no matter how deep the grief is, God's will is being accomplished...and while that does not always bring peace, there is meaning to wyatt's life and our life here. i can get so lost in the grief and heartache that i forget i'm still here to serve a purpose. i hope you enjoy!

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2009/09/different-way-to-look-at-suffering.html

it's been a while...

life has been busy. which is a good thing right now, but it also wears me down and therefore, my emotions are right under the surface. As of the past few days, I have been shocked by the amount of grief and loss i feel. i know we are not far on this journey, but i feel as though i lost my son yesterday....except now the reality has sunk in and is hard to swallow. everyday remains a challenge. there are certainly more good days, but even on those good days there is a strong sense of loss. i think of wyatt constantly. i mean just about every minute of everyday. as i have said, the grief tends to come in waves for one reason or another. so i have faith that this will pass.
i have really had such a wonderful time with friends and family lately, but i have become painfully aware that our appearance of "being o.k." sends a confusing message. which i totally understand. grief is so different for all of us. there are times that ryan will tell me things that are hard for him that i had not even thought of. there are times i am sure i tell ryan things that are hard for me that he never would have thought of. for example, shopping :) this used to come so naturally, but i have to admit that it has been a hurdle i have had to make my way around. it seems so silly, but for so long i had envisioned myself hanging out with wyatt strolling through stores and enjoying ourselves, that it has been a true battle for me. there are so many everyday life things that have been unexpectedly difficult. things i never would have thought of i had not been placed here. and to be honest, i am still very sensitive to the loss of wyatt and not being able to watch him grow up or take care of him. i miss him very much. so thank you for your continued support and prayers. i truly appreciate them.