a piece of my heart

Oh how I LOVE this picture! He really looks like Ryan :) I just love my handsome boys! Just had to post it...and check out those cheeks! I laugh every time I look at this picture...the only reason he had to wear the bandage under his chin was because that "extra padding" just kept rubbing his scab off. Ha! What a sweet round face!

As I make my way through this journey, I am learning so much...so much about myself, what I can handle, my faith, and what grieving is like. I am learning that while I thought I knew what friends who had lost someone needed...I didn't. Not because I didn't care or that I wasn't paying attention. I think I was paying attention from a distance...a safe distance. I hurt for them, but didn't want to intensify their pain or honestly my own. I even hate to admit this, but when I heard that a friend had lost her baby (before Wyatt) I cried for her and prayed for her, but thought I am sure she is getting thousands of cards and probably wants to be left alone. I smile now, and please don't misunderstand...there is no shortage of cards...but I find that I do not want to be left alone and the cards we have received are comforting. It is just nice to feel as though your pain is acknowledged. And as far as wanting to be alone....just being in this very place is lonely. Extremely lonely. There are not many who truly understand your pain or what you need. And this is no fault of their own. I NEVER would have realized how much I would need had I not been placed here. So, being here...I am finding that I need to be around people. I love people and thrive off of relationships. Huge crowds can be a little overwhelming...but being around close friends who I can just be myself around is such a wonderful gift. I don't have to put on a show...I can be happy and not feel guilty...I can cry and not feel as though I should hide those emotions. I have also learned that I don't need to avoid someone because of their hurt. I am not going to hurt them anymore...I can just listen and love them. I know I have said this before, but there is nothing more wonderful than talking about Wyatt. He is my son. I find that while I thought I was protecting a mom by not talking about a child they lost...I was inadvertently ignoring their child. I was acting as though their child did not exist which is so far from what I ever wanted to do. I know now that I just want people to acknowledge his existence. I also do not want people to feel awkward around me. At times, I can feel the discomfort...like no one wants to say anything that would upset me... so maybe they should just stay away. I still love to talk and see people. I will also say that since this has all happened, I have truly become an open book. There is not a question you should feel you cannot ask...I will answer anything. I had a friend ask me one night if we held Wyatt after he passed...and what it felt like. I smiled when she asked this, because I know this is something I would be wondering...I just wouldn't ask...and to be honest, I loved telling her all about it. This is something I have experienced...to the fullest. And I simply love talking about what we have been through. Yes, I may cry...not because you made me though...simply because I long for my son and those precious moments. I truly treasure them. And to be honest, I think asking questions helps you understand where we have been and what we are going through. A lot went on the five weeks we were away. We did not just sit in a hospital....although I am sure it seems like that from the outside. There are definitely some stories to tell...even some funny ones. (I'll have to write about those another day). I have also learned that grieving for a child is different than grieving for an adult such as a grandparent. I have read that a death of a baby is more hidden because it violates our expectations...I believe this. When a baby dies, our hopes and dreams have already become a part of our lives. Wyatt's death is not just about the loss of his physical presence here on earth, it is a loss of a child I have wished and prayed for, it is the loss of fantasies, hopes, and dreams. It is a loss of a piece of our future...a piece of myself. And while that seems so harsh...it is so true. I don't want to sound like I do not have hope for our future...because I most certainly do...but this certain piece of our future is missing. Looking back, I wish I had known these things earlier...so that I would not have been scared of friends who were grieving or felt like I needed to back away. I would have been there...to call and chat, to send cards, to plan little get aways, to listen, to distract at times, and to simply love them. I so appreciate my friends who are doing these things without me even asking! How truly special you are! I love you from the bottom of my heart!