lesson two

While we are here, in the depths of our sorrow, we also learn to wait. Wait like I have never had to wait before. This is something I am terrible at! Really terrible at. Life has certainly slowed down...I am still running around like crazy, but I am so much more aware of every minute, every hour, of every day. I still feel as though I am constantly holding my breathe...trying with all my might to hold back my tears. Or to at least have a little more control over them. They still pour like rain, but I am learning to hold onto them until I have a minute alone to just let them pour. It is still exhausting. Exhausting to live and survive.
My thoughts are more focused and my actions more deliberate. I am focused on what truly matters...not the things that simply "fill" my life. I wait on the Lord to heal me, to heal my heart, to heal to my soul. I wait on the Lord to bring joy back to our lives. I wait on Lord to lead me...I wait on the Lord to welcome me home and back to "life" with my son.
Wyatt would have been 4 months old on Friday. It is so hard to believe he would be that old! I wish he were here. I wish I could see him face to face. See what he would look like now...how big he would be....My heart aches for him....all the time.
I know that while I learn to wait, I must also learn to survive without him. To keep living even though I am tired. It is such a battle to survive and not give into the strong desire to simply lay down and let life pass by. To stop working at "getting better" and just let life happen. I can honestly say I do not want to let life just pass me by...but I am so worn out. It is while I am waiting, that I will truly get to know God. I need Him...I need Him to fill me up and keep me going.