5 months

yes....yesterday our little bundle of joy was 5 months old. i cannot believe it! seriously, where does the time go? she has brought us five full months of joy, five months of healing, five months of laughter, five months of pure sweetness. i am so thankful for these past five months. i love you sweet girl...more than words can express!

avoidance

i have been avoiding the blog. i know it's crazy but true. wyatt's birthday is quickly approaching and while i feel as though i began to face this day in may, i am not sure i am ready for it. as if you can prepare. june was a rough month to be open and honest about it. july was better and then here we are just days away from what should be my sweet boys second birthday. i have found that the best way to describe my feelings at this point would be homesick. you know the feeling, the pit inside your stomach that won't go away. you can live with it, but you ache for what you cannot have. i ache for my sweet boy. and at times for heaven. i miss him so very much. i long for his sister to know him... not just of him. i long so deeply to hold him...although i am sure at this point he wouldn't sit still long enough for me to do so :) i guess in all honesty, i am not torn up over his actual birthday, but more over the realization that yet another year has passed with out my sweet boy. his name is spoken frequently at our house, his absence remains fresh and our hearts tender. i have been praying that God would help me to give Him my pain. all of it. i just recently realized how much i am holding on to. it is not on purpose, but in so many ways a way i can hold on to him. i guess when all you can hold on to is hurt...you will hold on to all you can. i know that i will always have a special place in my heart for our son. and most of my memories are warm and comforting, but i want to give my Father the memories and the hurt that hold me back. the pain that takes away my breath and stops me in its tracks. i want to be the mother...to both of my children...that He wants me to be. i want to love wholeheartedly and without fear. i have been surprised at the fear that can still take hold of me. i would like to consider myself a well balanced parent if there is such a thing :) but i am occasionally surprised by the emotions that take hold. the other evening finley had a little rash. it really wasn't much at all...but i was frightened to put her to bed. i knew she would be fine...but i don't feel invincible anymore. i have come to the realization that i am not in control. while this is so comforting to know that i do not have to be and that my Father is and that He has my best interest at heart...there are moments that fear can overcome me. i laughed at myself as i cried to ryan...i knew and know that my fear was unfounded, but the pure idea of something happening to another one of my children is unbearable. thankfully that fear only lasts for a few moments and i can laugh at myself for allowing it to take hold. i know better. i thank God that i can rest in His peace and know that He is in control. that He will protect my sweet baby girl and that He is holding my sweet baby boy in HIS arms. i want nothing more than to be the woman He intended me to be. i desire HIM to use every fiber of my being to bring HIM glory. so as wyatt's birthday approaches, i want to celebrate the life that has taught me so much over the past few years..and continues to teach me. i love you sweet boy and miss you like crazy.

friday...

finley turned four months! so hard to believe! she also had her four month check up. she weighs 14 pounds and 5 ounces. i cannot believe how fast she is growing! she has become quite the talker and is really starting to laugh and interact more. so fun. i had to post a few pictures...

i love this next picture...this is the face she makes as she holds a serious conversation with you...i think she is going to be a talker like her momma :) poor ryan!
cousin kate got to come over for a bit on friday. we were SO excited! she just moved to russellville with her mom and dad...we miss them so very much...but know we will get to see them often...so it is ok.
these girls love lollie (that's what we are calling my mom...she isn't too fond of the name...but i like it so that is what we are going with...ha! well until the girls come up with something of their own :) ) they are just smiling away at her...

i hope everyone had a good weekend!

oh and i know this is kind of random...but i am going to give it a shot :) we are planing on having finley baptised in september so i am on the look out for a dress for her. i can't seem to come up with anything so if you have any suggestions as to where i could find one i would REALLY appreciate it! thanks :)

just had to post a few pictures

i hope you have a wonderful weekend

my heart swells

i love this girl more than words can express. my heart has been very tender the past several weeks as i miss wyatt more and more every day. it is amazing to me that i can have such deep sadness and joy simultaneously. i never would have thought this possible. i am ever so thankful for this little bundle...who as of last week has decided to start rolling over. she keeps me on my toes...a blessing i will never take for granted. i love you sweet girl!

mamie

over the past year i have mentioned mamie and her mom, sarah, several times. i am so blessed to have sarah as a friend. as most of you know, mamie was born sleeping just months before wyatt was born. while i certainly do not want to sound like i would EVER wish these circumstances on anyone...i am so thankful to have her in my life as we grieve the loss of our babies. it is not an easy road to travel and at times is very lonely. so i feel extremely blessed to have a friend to cry with, vent to, and who honestly just gets it. unfortunately, over the past two years, several of my friends have begun this journey with us. my heart breaks for each of us. it is a pain no one should have to endure. yet, i am so thankful for each of these women and i continue to thank God for placing them in my life. my life here on earth is richer because of them.


mamie's second birthday would have been this past saturday. which is why i posted the picture in the last post. sarah's sister had her friends send a picture of mamie's name to sarah's inbox on saturday as a surprise to sarah and her husband...what a special way to let them know we are thinking of mamie and celebrating her life. as you can only imagine, a mother who has lost her baby only hopes people will remember her child and acknowledge them as often as possible.


last year, sarah started a non-profit to honor mamie and bring healing to the hearts of parents who grieve the loss of a child. with the help of others and through donations she has supplied hospitals in little rock, hot springs, north little rock, and arkadelphia with plates to customize with the babies footprints. she has supplied them with a keepsake to cherish until they can again be with their child. i will tell you first hand, this is priceless.


i am ever so thrilled to tell you that we are beginning to provide plates to the hospitals in northewest arkansas. in fact, mercy and washington regional have both asked for plates and welcomed this gift into their hospitals. thank you! we are still in the process of trying to expand up here, but i wanted to share sarah's work with you. she has a website i will link you to...http://www.mamiespoppyplates.com/ there you will find sample plates and see the love sarah is sharing with other parents. thank you sweet friend for all are you are doing to honor mamie and other precious babies gone too soon.

happy birthday mamie

happy birthday Mamie! we love and miss you so very much! may our hearts be full as you celebrate in the arms of our Savior.