avoidance

i have been avoiding the blog. i know it's crazy but true. wyatt's birthday is quickly approaching and while i feel as though i began to face this day in may, i am not sure i am ready for it. as if you can prepare. june was a rough month to be open and honest about it. july was better and then here we are just days away from what should be my sweet boys second birthday. i have found that the best way to describe my feelings at this point would be homesick. you know the feeling, the pit inside your stomach that won't go away. you can live with it, but you ache for what you cannot have. i ache for my sweet boy. and at times for heaven. i miss him so very much. i long for his sister to know him... not just of him. i long so deeply to hold him...although i am sure at this point he wouldn't sit still long enough for me to do so :) i guess in all honesty, i am not torn up over his actual birthday, but more over the realization that yet another year has passed with out my sweet boy. his name is spoken frequently at our house, his absence remains fresh and our hearts tender. i have been praying that God would help me to give Him my pain. all of it. i just recently realized how much i am holding on to. it is not on purpose, but in so many ways a way i can hold on to him. i guess when all you can hold on to is hurt...you will hold on to all you can. i know that i will always have a special place in my heart for our son. and most of my memories are warm and comforting, but i want to give my Father the memories and the hurt that hold me back. the pain that takes away my breath and stops me in its tracks. i want to be the mother...to both of my children...that He wants me to be. i want to love wholeheartedly and without fear. i have been surprised at the fear that can still take hold of me. i would like to consider myself a well balanced parent if there is such a thing :) but i am occasionally surprised by the emotions that take hold. the other evening finley had a little rash. it really wasn't much at all...but i was frightened to put her to bed. i knew she would be fine...but i don't feel invincible anymore. i have come to the realization that i am not in control. while this is so comforting to know that i do not have to be and that my Father is and that He has my best interest at heart...there are moments that fear can overcome me. i laughed at myself as i cried to ryan...i knew and know that my fear was unfounded, but the pure idea of something happening to another one of my children is unbearable. thankfully that fear only lasts for a few moments and i can laugh at myself for allowing it to take hold. i know better. i thank God that i can rest in His peace and know that He is in control. that He will protect my sweet baby girl and that He is holding my sweet baby boy in HIS arms. i want nothing more than to be the woman He intended me to be. i desire HIM to use every fiber of my being to bring HIM glory. so as wyatt's birthday approaches, i want to celebrate the life that has taught me so much over the past few years..and continues to teach me. i love you sweet boy and miss you like crazy.