going through the motions

I woke up this morning with a feeling of emptiness. I thought I would not sit down to write today...but, I want to be honest and know that if I hide these feelings I am not helping anyone...including myself. The end of the week tends to be more difficult. It is like we fight all week just to get through...and it is exhausting. Totally exhausting. By the end of the week we are so worn down that is hard to be strong. It is hard to be ok. Today I struggle with why I cannot have my baby. I know that I may have to wait a lifetime for the answer to this question...but it doesn't make it go away. I feel so lonely and empty...like a piece of me is missing. There is so much missing...my baby is not here and I feel as though I am merely existing...that I am simply going through the motions. At night, I find myself acknowledging that we have made it through another day....as if this is an accomplishment...an accomplishment to survive one day at a time. This makes me so sad. I want to enjoy life, not count down days. I know these feelings will fade. They always do. But they always come back as well. My heart and soul ache for Wyatt. It is such a deep and acute pain. One I would never wish on anyone...yet, I know there are so many who long for their babies as I do. So many of our friends who have lost their little ones. It breaks my heart. But, I am so glad that they are all in Heaven together. As a mom, you worry about your little one being alone...and I know that he is not. He is so far from alone. I know that he is well taken care of and very happy...I only wish that I could be the one to take care of him. There is so much pain and suffering, yet I would not trade one bit of it. I would go through all of this again...knowing the end...just to spend those five weeks with Wyatt.