the ritchies

10 months

2012-02-16T13:25:00.000-08:00

so here i am late again :) i need to post finley's 10 month and 11 month pictures! ouch! i can't believe how fast the days go.

but i want to take a minute and just share. as i have really neglected this blog over the past year it has certainly been a place of healing and growth for me. i may not make it to sit down everyday...or even once a month. ha! but i have to say it has meant so much to me. i am still involved in a women's tuesday morning Bible study and while the point i took away on tuesday really had nothing to do with the lesson itself i know God was laying this on my heart. to be honest, i cannot even remember how this came up but she was talking about her family and the importance of journaling or writing things down so that you can remember them. i have never been good at journaling. i just can't make myself sit down and write...i think at times it feels cheesy and other times it just doesn't seem important. but tuesday it seemed important. i was reminded that we need to remember where God has brought us...to remember what He has done in our lives. to see His hand upon our lives. and i know that while my wounds are still so fresh He has brought forth healing that i am forever thankful for. i remember talking to a dear friend at lunch one afternoon about what it means for God to be faithful. we hear those words so often...He is faithful. but really what does that mean? it means that He will continue to do good work in our lives despite the baggage we carry. He will use our circumstances to bring glory and honor to Him in Heaven. He is faithful to finish what He has started in us. and while i am sure His work with me is not near finished...i have certainly found Him to be faithful. it is by his grace and mercy that i am able to live a joyous life honoring Him and loving my family...both here and in heaven. it is not an easy job. in fact, it is something i never expect to get used to...but thankfully, He. Has. Been. Faithful. and i look forward to discovering His plans for our lives. so, even though i don't make it here very often. i do want to continue to document where He is leading and what He is doing in my family's life.

so here's our sweet blessing at 10 months...

this sweet girl is pulling up on EVERYTHING. i keep thinking she will be walking soon as she loves her 'walker' but she's a little fearful to let go. thank goodness! she still says da da all the time....won't say momma or any kind of sound that resembles the letter m...but that's ok. she's still the apple of my eye ;) she loves to pull things out...just about anything she can get her hands on. now i just need to teach her to put things up. ha! she is getting harder to take to dinner...but hey maybe that will make me start cooking more. well, we'll see! she seems to have a good sense of humor and is oh so cuddly! i love her so much!

9 months

2012-01-04T19:14:00.000-08:00

yes, finley has made it to 9 months....wow! and let me tell you, this girl is FAST! i cannot take my eyes off of her for a second! she is crawling up a storm and is in to everything! she has figured out how to open the cabinet doors in my office, how to open doors (that aren't totally closed that is), she is pulling up and standing on everything and constantly! just the other day, i was trying to take down our Christmas decorations and i was letting her play on the floor while i worked and the next thing i knew she was crawling up the stairs! seriously! is it time for that?! and she looks as though she has been doing it forever. she can race right up them! unfortunately, she has no fear. so tonight ryan and i bought a gate :) we'll show her...whatever! her two bottom teeth are about halfway up. it happened fast. and the girl will NOT stop saying da da :) i am pretty sure she knows who she has wrapped around her little finger! it's gotten to be a joke because she says da da ALL the time! and anytime we ask her to say mamma she will repeat your tone and inflection but say da da. smart girl! she is certainly the light of our lives. we love her so very much!

which direction

2012-01-04T18:59:00.000-08:00

ha! so i am trying to decide if i write to catch up or start now and go backwards :) i am thinking i'll work my way up.

8 months

seriously! this fall has been CRAZY busy! business has certainly kept me on my toes...which i will NEVER take for granted. i am so blessed to do something i am so passionate about and love so much...anyways, little missy turned 8 months (about 2 months ago...yikes!) as you can see from the picture, she was working on some bottom teeth. she was crawling and starting to pull up on everything. she is such a sweet girl and this is such a fun stage....even if she keeps me on my toes. i wish you could hear her laugh. she laughs all the time. it is the sweetest sound. you can't help but smile when you hear that chuckle. peek-a-boo is probably her favorite game. i am so very thankful for this time and every moment i have to spend with her. i do not take it lightly. what a blessing!

7 months

2011-10-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

i am ON A ROLL today! ha! who am i kidding?! i won't be able to post tomorrow...so i thought i would take her picture today and post about 7 months (since it is SO important that i be on time. hee hee!)

7 months here we come! i have a feeling this might be the month we start crawling. we are working on it but tend to give up and just start rolling....it's much quicker and easier :) we'll call it more efficient. smart girl!

i was shocked the other day...finley was being so quiet and sleeping longer than usual so i went in to check on her...and guess what that little girl was doing....sitting up!!! i was shocked! she got up on her own! she hasn't done it since but i have to admit it took me by surprise! i am amazed at the things they learn so quickly. she has been cracking us up lately...she talks non stop. yesterday was the best...ryan came home from work and finley was sitting on the floor in my office playing (with her back to the door.) ryan stood at the door and was saying her name trying to get her to turn around....i was in front of Finley asking her who was talking to her....and out of no where she said da da......we were cracking up. yes, we know she really does not know that ryan is dad but the timing couldn't have been better. not to mention, that is the first time she as said anything that sounded remotely close to mom or dad. so needless to say, ryan keeps rubbing it in that she said his name first. ugh! :)

so here's to 7 months! 7 months of bliss, smiles, and lots of action. love you finley!

6 months

2011-10-14T07:10:00.001-07:00

i can't believe my little girl is 6 months...well 7 tomorrow :) but i am catching up on 6 months right now. ha! she is just amazing...so happy, sweet, and cuddly. she is sitting up well now, laughs a lot, smiles a lot, and rolls everywhere. we haven't started crawling, but she get from one end of the room to the other in no time. i must admit, i am in NO hurry for her to start crawling! we started veggies this month...she is eating green beans, squash, and peas. she is not picky :) she seems to love them all. she fills my heart daily. love you lil' bit!

today...yesterday....and the day before that...

2011-09-20T11:30:00.000-07:00

it's been a while since i sat down here. there is so much on my mind and heart that it overwhelms me to even try to get it all out. so i have decided to just write a little and document this past month with pictures...

as most of you know, wyatt's birthday was august 18th. this is a day i dread pretty much all summer. however, the past two years, the actual day has been yes..sad...but also joyful. on his birthday i feel like i get to celebrate him. celebrate his precious life and all that he is to our family. i love it. so while, i feel the emptiness of his loss and absence on that day, i also feel the pure joy that i have been blessed with a son. a son i love so very much. last year we had a little get together to celebrate his birthday. we did the same this year...it was just smaller. i am forever thankful for my wonderful friends and family who celebrate his life with us. i know at times they must be leery...not knowing what to say or do on such a day...but that's just it...no one has say anything special...do anything special...just BE. be with us. be there to acknowledge this special day in our lives. so thank you friends for just being. here a few pictures we took when we went to visit wyatt. i am sure it seems so silly to some, but i love taking pictures at his marker on special days. i feel closest to him just living out our daily lives, but i like to document our life as it is and he is very much a part of us.

i love this little onesie finley has on to help celebrate her brother...a dear friend sent it to me before finley was born. i love it so much...and it meant the world...for SO many reasons. that's finley's new face these days :) so much for getting a smile...ha!on september 4th finley was baptized. it was a wonderful day. our parents were able to be there along with my sister and her family. it was so very special. i have to admit, after loosing wyatt days like that are much more meaningful. and our dear friend baptized her....which was the icing on the cake. the day was all about her and it couldn't have been better. she is such a sweet girl and i am ever so thankful for her!

pretty sure i may get in trouble for posting pictures of my parents on here...good thing i can't get grounded anymore :) but mom, i am so sorry.....i just had to. love you lots!

and then these are just some random pictures. i can't get enough of our sweet girl :)

so i will have to post some pictures and update you on 6 months! i can't believe our little girl is growing so fast!

5 months

2011-08-16T15:40:00.001-07:00

yes....yesterday our little bundle of joy was 5 months old. i cannot believe it! seriously, where does the time go? she has brought us five full months of joy, five months of healing, five months of laughter, five months of pure sweetness. i am so thankful for these past five months. i love you sweet girl...more than words can express!

avoidance

2011-08-10T18:45:00.000-07:00

i have been avoiding the blog. i know it's crazy but true. wyatt's birthday is quickly approaching and while i feel as though i began to face this day in may, i am not sure i am ready for it. as if you can prepare. june was a rough month to be open and honest about it. july was better and then here we are just days away from what should be my sweet boys second birthday. i have found that the best way to describe my feelings at this point would be homesick. you know the feeling, the pit inside your stomach that won't go away. you can live with it, but you ache for what you cannot have. i ache for my sweet boy. and at times for heaven. i miss him so very much. i long for his sister to know him... not just of him. i long so deeply to hold him...although i am sure at this point he wouldn't sit still long enough for me to do so :) i guess in all honesty, i am not torn up over his actual birthday, but more over the realization that yet another year has passed with out my sweet boy. his name is spoken frequently at our house, his absence remains fresh and our hearts tender. i have been praying that God would help me to give Him my pain. all of it. i just recently realized how much i am holding on to. it is not on purpose, but in so many ways a way i can hold on to him. i guess when all you can hold on to is hurt...you will hold on to all you can. i know that i will always have a special place in my heart for our son. and most of my memories are warm and comforting, but i want to give my Father the memories and the hurt that hold me back. the pain that takes away my breath and stops me in its tracks. i want to be the mother...to both of my children...that He wants me to be. i want to love wholeheartedly and without fear. i have been surprised at the fear that can still take hold of me. i would like to consider myself a well balanced parent if there is such a thing :) but i am occasionally surprised by the emotions that take hold. the other evening finley had a little rash. it really wasn't much at all...but i was frightened to put her to bed. i knew she would be fine...but i don't feel invincible anymore. i have come to the realization that i am not in control. while this is so comforting to know that i do not have to be and that my Father is and that He has my best interest at heart...there are moments that fear can overcome me. i laughed at myself as i cried to ryan...i knew and know that my fear was unfounded, but the pure idea of something happening to another one of my children is unbearable. thankfully that fear only lasts for a few moments and i can laugh at myself for allowing it to take hold. i know better. i thank God that i can rest in His peace and know that He is in control. that He will protect my sweet baby girl and that He is holding my sweet baby boy in HIS arms. i want nothing more than to be the woman He intended me to be. i desire HIM to use every fiber of my being to bring HIM glory. so as wyatt's birthday approaches, i want to celebrate the life that has taught me so much over the past few years..and continues to teach me. i love you sweet boy and miss you like crazy.

friday...

2011-07-17T14:31:00.000-07:00

finley turned four months! so hard to believe! she also had her four month check up. she weighs 14 pounds and 5 ounces. i cannot believe how fast she is growing! she has become quite the talker and is really starting to laugh and interact more. so fun. i had to post a few pictures...

i love this next picture...this is the face she makes as she holds a serious conversation with you...i think she is going to be a talker like her momma :) poor ryan!
cousin kate got to come over for a bit on friday. we were SO excited! she just moved to russellville with her mom and dad...we miss them so very much...but know we will get to see them often...so it is ok.
these girls love lollie (that's what we are calling my mom...she isn't too fond of the name...but i like it so that is what we are going with...ha! well until the girls come up with something of their own :) ) they are just smiling away at her...

i hope everyone had a good weekend!

oh and i know this is kind of random...but i am going to give it a shot :) we are planing on having finley baptised in september so i am on the look out for a dress for her. i can't seem to come up with anything so if you have any suggestions as to where i could find one i would REALLY appreciate it! thanks :)

just had to post a few pictures

2011-07-02T11:50:00.001-07:00

i hope you have a wonderful weekend

my heart swells

2011-07-01T12:36:00.001-07:00

i love this girl more than words can express. my heart has been very tender the past several weeks as i miss wyatt more and more every day. it is amazing to me that i can have such deep sadness and joy simultaneously. i never would have thought this possible. i am ever so thankful for this little bundle...who as of last week has decided to start rolling over. she keeps me on my toes...a blessing i will never take for granted. i love you sweet girl!

mamie

2011-06-27T10:55:00.001-07:00

over the past year i have mentioned mamie and her mom, sarah, several times. i am so blessed to have sarah as a friend. as most of you know, mamie was born sleeping just months before wyatt was born. while i certainly do not want to sound like i would EVER wish these circumstances on anyone...i am so thankful to have her in my life as we grieve the loss of our babies. it is not an easy road to travel and at times is very lonely. so i feel extremely blessed to have a friend to cry with, vent to, and who honestly just gets it. unfortunately, over the past two years, several of my friends have begun this journey with us. my heart breaks for each of us. it is a pain no one should have to endure. yet, i am so thankful for each of these women and i continue to thank God for placing them in my life. my life here on earth is richer because of them.

mamie's second birthday would have been this past saturday. which is why i posted the picture in the last post. sarah's sister had her friends send a picture of mamie's name to sarah's inbox on saturday as a surprise to sarah and her husband...what a special way to let them know we are thinking of mamie and celebrating her life. as you can only imagine, a mother who has lost her baby only hopes people will remember her child and acknowledge them as often as possible.

last year, sarah started a non-profit to honor mamie and bring healing to the hearts of parents who grieve the loss of a child. with the help of others and through donations she has supplied hospitals in little rock, hot springs, north little rock, and arkadelphia with plates to customize with the babies footprints. she has supplied them with a keepsake to cherish until they can again be with their child. i will tell you first hand, this is priceless.

i am ever so thrilled to tell you that we are beginning to provide plates to the hospitals in northewest arkansas. in fact, mercy and washington regional have both asked for plates and welcomed this gift into their hospitals. thank you! we are still in the process of trying to expand up here, but i wanted to share sarah's work with you. she has a website i will link you to...http://www.mamiespoppyplates.com/ there you will find sample plates and see the love sarah is sharing with other parents. thank you sweet friend for all are you are doing to honor mamie and other precious babies gone too soon.

happy birthday mamie

2011-06-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

happy birthday Mamie! we love and miss you so very much! may our hearts be full as you celebrate in the arms of our Savior.

3 months

2011-06-18T07:43:00.000-07:00

i get so sad that finley is growing so fast...but i LOVE each and every stage. she is such a sweet girl. she has really started smiling a lot and is making lots of noises. i also caught her trying to roll over the other day...i don't think it will be long. she better wait til i'm watching though :) mom doesn't want to miss A THING!

also, i have WONDERFUL news! my sweet friend, sarah, (mamie's mom) delivered burke last weekend! i am SO VERY happy for them. he is such a lucky man to have her and taylor for parents. i'm praising God that he is here healthy and safe. i also love how we can SEE God's hand in the safe delivery of this little guy....sarah delivered mamie stillborn at 37 1/2 weeks...so as you can only imagine, sarah has been a tad anxious about carrying burke over 37 weeks. i know fear was an issue while i carried finley...even though wyatt was full term...so i can't imagine the feelings sarah had while carrying burke. but burke came early! and sarah did not even have to face week 37. thank you GOD! you ALWAYS know just what we need...even when we don't.

and of course i had to post a few pictures...i hope she gets used to this...this poor girl is going to have her picture taken OFTEN :) oh how i LOVE her!

where we are now...

2011-06-08T08:26:00.000-07:00

it's been a busy few weeks. good...but busy. we have spent a couple of weekends in little rock with our families and i have started wedding season :) it has all been so much fun. i love being 'back at work' (even if i do work from home. ha!) i just love being around people so i have quite enjoyed myself :) and then i have to say i SO enjoyed going to little rock to spend time with family. we even got to spend time with one of ryan's sisters and her kiddos...which was very very special. we just don't get to see them enough! finley was thrilled to meet her cousins! i'll have to load a picture of finley with her cousin caroline. it's on my phone right now...so i'll get on that :) caroline was so sweet to finley. she just loved to hold her and take care of her. i could have watched her love on finley all day. melts my heart!

today little bit is 12 weeks. i cannot believe it! she is growing so fast. i took her to the gym today...for the first time. i gave in and did it...i was so proud :) she was asleep when i went to get her so i'm thinking everything went smoothly and everyone was happy.

i just had to check in. and of course post a few pictures i snapped of her yesterday before we got ready for the day. she is wearing the outfit we took her home from the hospital in. don't be impressed...it's a little snug now and it swallowed her when we brought her home. but, to be completely honest i had forgotten about it (it was in the wrong section...i have her clothes organized by size) and i just happened to run across it yesterday and wanted to get some pictures of her in it. i love the owl! anyways, have a super day!

2 months

2011-05-26T13:15:00.000-07:00

last sunday finley turned 2 months. wow how time flies! we had a few family pictures taken that weekend. and when i say family, i mean my mom, dad, sis, her munchkin, her husband, ryan, finley and i. my dear friend who shoots weddings with me agreed to take us on :) and i am so glad she did. i will cherish these days and memories forever. i can't help but smile when i look at the picture above. i think finley looks like a little doll. it cracks me up...those super round cheeks and all. i love it! what a sweet time.

finley has been doing wonderful. i am so proud of her. she has been sleeping through the night and we are working on afternoon naps now :) but that's my fault. starting at 6 weeks finley started sleeping about 6 hours at night. and then not long after, she has been sleeping about 9 hours! how lucky we are! i will not pretend this has anything to do with what great parents we are :) i think she just likes to sleep as much as her mom does..ha! so glad though! she also moved to her crib this past week. i know! i can't believe it! i finally gave in since she was sleeping so well. i feel like she is getting so big...so fast! and while i hate not having her so close all the time...i know this is good for all of us. i'll just keep telling myself that!

i swore i would never be 'that' mom with all of the schedules and such...but i am starting to see where this comes in handy. i certainly don't want to be too tied down every day, but a little routine never hurt anyone :) so we are working on getting down for regular afternoon naps...instead of napping in mom's arms. it's taking some time...but we are getting there. in fact, she is napping now :) i will admit, there has been a little screaming here and there, but everyday she goes does more peacefully and sleeps a tad longer. we'll call that success!

so basically, life has been very sweet. i am so thankful for these days and this time of our lives.

mother's day

2011-05-17T19:05:00.000-07:00

again i have been trying to get on here, but i can't seem to figure out where the time goes :) well, we survived another mother's day. not really a big important holiday...but one that seems to remind you of what you don't have. really, i don't need reminding....i continue to think and miss him constantly. but i have to say, it was so nice to have finley here this year. she certainly brings so much joy into our lives and while i miss wyatt like crazy, i am so thankful for finley and her life. for the healing our Father has brought through her each and every day. she certainly brings life to us and i am forever thankful that HE blessed us with her. i am daily reminded what precious gifts children are. i pray i continue to realize this. both of our children mean the world to us. i so look forward to each and every day with our sweet girl. here's a picture from mother's day. we took it pretty easy...hence the lack of make up :) but i am determined to document all of my 'special' moments with this sweet little one. i continue to be reminded to take life one day at a time. to slow down and really take it in. enjoy each day...because it is a gift from above.

today...

2011-05-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

i am so thankful. thankful for a God that allows me to take in one day at a time. i am so enjoying EVERY minute with finley. i have come to realize that healing comes everyday. it is not as though God has taken away the pain and sting of wyatt's death for good. He brings forth healing moment by moment. i continue to constantly think of wyatt. what he would look like, what he would be doing, how wonderful he would be as a big brother, what our home would look like with both of our children. these are all such painful questions. questions without answers here on earth. how grateful i am that the promise of eternity brings hope. that our our father made the ultimate sacrifice so that we may truly experience his love for us. i am so thankful. thankful for this beautiful day...for every breath i get to breathe here on earth with my loved ones. although i remain homesick for heaven and my little boy i know that we are blessed. that we are cared for and loved beyond measure. what more could i ask for?

"may the GOD of hope fill you

with all joy and peace as you trust in him,

so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

Romans 15:13

a few pictures

2011-05-01T12:57:00.001-07:00

just wanted to post a few pictures. i can't get enough of this little one!

the last picture makes me smile...finley and wyatt...my sweet little ones.

i love them both so much!

easter

2011-04-25T13:43:00.000-07:00

this easter was much better than the last. one thing i have found is that grief hits when i least expect it. i can spend days dreading certain events or upcoming dates, but it always hits the strongest on days i didn't 'plan' on. not that the days i expected to be difficult aren't but the days i don't expect are sometimes more difficult. last easter was just one of those days. really, every day continues to be a part of a long journey, but let's be honest, some days are just down right miserable while others are closer to 'normal.'

ryan , finley and i went to little rock this weekend. her first road trip :) which i have to say, went very well. she made it the whole way down without having to stop. yay! there were a few minutes we were a little worried we were going to have to stop...but the trusty old pacifier did the trick. while we were in little rock, we were able to visit with some of our wonderful friends and spend some time with our families. ryan got a little golf in while mom finley and i managed to run around a little and actually get out for lunch. we also went out to dinner...her first experiences away from the house :) i will admit we were very careful selecting places we went....we were sure to choose restaurants we thought wouldn't be too crowded. i know we sound pretty psycho, but i will do just about anything to keep this munchkin well. at least as long as i can :) she will be 6 weeks old tomorrow so i am starting to feel a tad better getting her out but we are taking it one step at a time. poor girl! she may have the most protective parents ever! i swore i would never be like this...who was i kidding?! oh well. anyways, it was so wonderful to get out of town for a bit and even more wonderful to spend time with friends and family! i feel so blessed.

finley wore the dress i got baptized in for easter. what's funny is i was old enough to sit up when i wore it :)

four weeks

2011-04-15T14:44:00.000-07:00

i can't believe it, but finley was four weeks old on tuesday! i know you would think i have been taking tons of pictures...but i haven't. so today, we took a break and took some pictures. i am really trying to capture her each month to document her first year. i have a little project up my sleeve :) so i have to stay on top of it! not to mention, i want LOTS of pictures of her.

a lot has gone on this past week....last weekend her dad gave her her first bottle. which went really well and means mom can have a little more freedom...occasionally. we just knew she would have to take one at some point since wedding season is coming up (for those of you who don't know....i am a photographer) and i will be gone for long stretches at a time. it was also nice since one of my dear dear friends came to visit this past weekend and we were able to get out for a bit and i didn't have to worry about her getting hungry while ryan watched her.

she also went on her first walk! and loved it! it was so nice to get out of the house and enjoy the beautiful weather. we have gone on several walks since then and i have to say avery is thrilled. however, i have noticed that every time i put her in her car seat avery thinks we are going on a walk. see i haven't really taken finley out of the house much...just to run a few errands...drive through only....and then on her walks....so naturally, avery associates the car seat with a walk. this will change though as soon as we start getting lil' bit out of the house more. we're just a tad protective right now :) well, that about sums everything up but i do want to answer some of the questions i have gotten....

i had the curtains in her nursery made. the fabric is from a local fabric store...the Fabric Gallery (they always have great stuff and are so fun to work with)

i ordered her headbands from etsy. the cream one was from sweetly fallen. the brown one from snazziedrawers. i also ordered a turquoise one i LOVE from claramarie08

and the canvas (it's actually wood) print on her nursery wall with the writing is from a local store called Riffraff which also has some wonderful stuff!

oh and i almost forgot...her middle name is holden :) ryan made that decision as i was getting ready the morning we went in to have her...

i think that's it! i hope you have a wonderful weekend!

she's here!

2011-04-07T12:04:00.000-07:00

i seriously cannot believe it has taken me this long to get back on here :) finley was 3 weeks old tuesday. time is flying! she is such a sweet baby and a huge blessing to our lives. she has been growing like crazy...which makes me so sad. however, i cannot wait for all of the fun we are going to have as she gets older. just to fill you in, everything went really well the day she was born. we arrived at the hospital around 7. i was taken to the O.R. at 10:09 and she was born around 10:29....or something like that. ha! so it was super quick! ryan and i loved having her early in the day. it was so nice to be awake and have time to spend with her. she also got to meet several of the people who have been praying and loving on her for some time. it was wonderful. just the way it was 'supposed' to be. we came home the friday after i had her...so the 18th. what a good feeling! it was so nice to put her in her car seat and LEAVE the hospital with her! in fact, we were in such a hurry to get out with her we forgot to run by the nursery and have her umblical cord clamp removed...whoops! so we went back saturday and had that taken care of :) she had her one week appointment that monday...the 21st. we feel so blessed, as we were getting ready to check out of the hospital on friday, the physican on call came to visit with us and let us know she was good to go. my heart about stopped as the nurse told us the doctors name. it was the same doctor who had taken care of wyatt the night he was born. what were the odds?! when he came in, he introduced himself and told us he had checked out our perfect little angel. then ryan told him he had actually taken care of both of our little angels. and i couldn't believe it...but he responded with 'i thought so. i recognized your names and thought you were wyatt's mom and dad.' wow! let's just say he earned A LOT of brownie points in my book! i couldn't believe he had made that association and remembered our sweet boy. thank you GOD! so needless to say, i love him already :) ok back to the appointment...she was an ounce from her birth weight which was 6 pounds 14 ounces. so we were thrilled. i must say...she is a good eater....she gets that from both her mom and her dad :) she had her 2 week appointment a week and a half later and had gained a pound and a half! so, i think it is safe to say she is doing well and growing like a weed! other than that, we have been cuddling and just enjoying every minute with her. she is spoiled rotton, but hey, why not?! we certainly wish her big brother was here to love on her and spoil her with us, but we know he is loving on her from Heaven. i'll try to do a better job updating. i just can't seem to make myself put her down :)

this is it...

2011-03-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

ok so i have waited until THE last minute to post pictures of finley's nursery. the ottoman came today....and i just couldn't post pictures without it... so here it is! i am thrilled with the way it turned out!

it looks TOTALLY different than it did...but this sweet girl needed her own room. if you can't tell, the ceiling is a light grey and her pictures will go in the frames. the ottoman opens up and we can store goodies inside :) her bedding is a gold fabric with a sparkly silver thread that runs through it. it is quite fabulous :) and i know we are missing a letter....ryan hasn't confirmed her middle name yet. ha! so not like us!

and i just loved this! we are hanging it up tonight.

well that's about it. i can't wait to bring little bit home! thanks so much for all of your prayers. we feel so blessed to have so many wonderful friends and family.

counting down

2011-03-10T14:50:00.000-08:00

while i have been handling life better than i expected right now, i find my emotions right under the surface. while this is such an exciting time for us...as finley will make her arrival on tuesday ( i am so thrilled)...there is certainly fear, apprehension, and sadness about where we have been. this sounds so silly...i know...but since loosing wyatt it has been hard to imagine ever being able to have a baby. as if, because we lost one we will never have another. i am sure it is because wyatt was our first and we were never able to bring him home. i just cannot imagine being able to actually leave a hospital with our child and experience life with children. the good news is that by the grace of God we will be able to experience this next week and i will hopefully rid myself of this fear.
as i was working out with a friend this morning....or maybe not working out too hard :)..more like spending some good quality time with a friend :)...she was asking me how ryan and i have been doing and basically if i thought we would be ok before tuesday i was again reminded how blessed i am to have such incredible friends. i know i have said this before, but i truly believe it, God certainly works through you when you allow Him. so, thank you! and yes, we should be ok. but i do think will have some emotional moments in between. while our hearts are so overjoyed to meet our sweet girl, we continue to miss our little boy. i guess before we lost wyatt i just figured or liked to think that time would heal someones broken heart and that another child would fill that emptiness. it was a great thought...as life would be much easier then. i just didn't know any better....but now i do. time has allowed God to work in my heart and teach me how to live with our loss. time has allowed God to comfort me and grow closer to Him. time has allowed God to show me how to live with both sorrow and joy simultaneously. time has allowed Him to do mighty works in my life. and for that i am forever thankful. so no, time does not heal a broken heart or take away the pain...but God will. He gives us the strength to get through each and every day. He shows us unconditional love. and promises that one day He will take away all our pain. knowing this, i can live a life of thankfulness and happiness here on earth despite where we have been. thank you God! and thank you for our sweet blessing...finley. we cannot wait to hold her in our arms and tell her face to face how much we love her. she has already been such a gift and loved beyond words. You have already used her to move mountains in our lives and i look forward to learning more about you through her.

look who's here...

2011-03-02T06:37:00.000-08:00

my sister, leslie, had her baby girl last week. she was born on february 23rd at 7:59 p.m. weighing in at 7 pounds 2 ounces 20 3/4 inches. i can't get enough of her. i love her so much. she is beautiful! here are a few pictures i took of her the other day....

i can't wait for her cousin to hurry up and get here. i know they will be the best of friends. i feel so blessed to share this time with my sister and that these two sweet girls will have each other. they just don't know how lucky they are yet :)

February 18th

2011-02-18T08:42:00.000-08:00

while it's just another day...it's also another marker i wish we were celebrating with our little boy. today he would be 18 months old. it is so hard to believe. i can't even begin to imagine what he would look like at this age. i can't decide if he would look more like ryan or myself. what i would give to see him....and hold him. i miss him so very much. but while my heart continues to ache for him, i am ever so thankful for the ways God has filled us up over the past year and a half. when i look back, i see His hands all over us. even when we felt so alone and isolated. He has never left our side. the other day at Bible study, we were discussing the way God uses or places people in our lives at certain times. i can without a doubt say that He has placed some of the most amazing people in our lives over the past year and a half. we have been loved and cared for unconditionally and i am forever thankful for this. i can't even begin to tell you the sacrifices people have made to take care of us. it has truly been a blessing. a blessing that God has given us and a blessing that these people were willing to be vessels of His love. i pray that He will allow me to be His hands and feet while i am here on this earth. that i can share His love and return what others have so graciously given to us. so, while today is a hard day, i am certainly filled with love and even a peace that i will see my little one again one day.

today...

2011-02-16T11:38:00.000-08:00

not a lot going on here...just the usual. but i am about a week out to having a new niece and four weeks from having my own little girl! i am so excited i can hardly stand it. i will be sure to post pictures of my niece a.s.a.p. hope you're having a good week!

this week...

2011-02-11T11:31:00.000-08:00

this week (February 7-14th) is Congenital Heart Defect Awareness week. congenital heart disease is the most common birth defect, and is a leading cause of birth-defect related deaths worldwide. Please remember all those lost to CHD and honor those that are still fighting.

as wyatt left the nicu and headed to cvicu (cardio vascular intensive care) after his surgery i remember being very anxious and not sure what to expect. i was shocked at the number of babies in this unit. the rooms were almost completely full. of course there were many different reasons for why they were there, but none the less, each of these babies had ended up in cvicu due to a congenital heart defect. we will never know what caused wyatt's condition. there are so many questions. i often ask why or why him....but these are questions we will not have answered here on this earth. anyone could have been in our shoes. i know as a society we often say that wouldn't happen to me or there is no reason to believe that would happen...but we had NO reason to believe our little boy would be there either. so this week, i ask you to remember these precious babies lost to CHD and those who are still fighting. please remember the people who dedicate their lives to caring for these children. i truly admire the men and women who devote their time and energy to watching over these precious little ones. i cannot imagine the stress they willing take on every day as they literally watch over these babies, administer medicine, check vitals, love on them, and care for their parents who are in desperate need of love as well. they are truly gifts from above.

please pray

2011-02-03T18:48:00.000-08:00

one of my dear friends who lost her sweet baby girl just months before we lost wyatt is 18 weeks pregnant and in need of prayer. i will let you go to her blog to get the details, but i wanted to ask you to remember them. her faith during this difficult time is inspiring. love you sarah! our prayers are with you, taylor, and baby burke.

here is a link to her blog....http://www.adamsfamilylr.blogspot.com

time for an update

2011-02-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

well, i thought i would have a lot more time on my hands to update a little...but i guess i was wrong. so here's a quick update...well maybe not so quick. ha!

things are going pretty good here. we are almost 34 weeks. i can't believe it! however, i feel as though i have been waiting on this baby forever :) let me just say when you're ready to be a momma you're ready...and those feelings just don't disappear...although life would be easier some days if they would.

there are a couple of things i am sure you want to know that i haven't posted yet...like her name or what the nursery looks like :) but i have been holding back since they are not finished. i guess i want you to be surprised with the finished project and don't want you to see my mess in the meantime :) ha! but i'll go ahead and give you a little...we have a first name....finley. no middle name yet, but some ideas or maybe an idea...still thinking. it's kind of funny but with wyatt we had a few names we liked and had trouble making our minds up. so this time, i had a few boys names i liked and a girl name. well, maybe a couple of girl names, but i was really leaning towards finley. so, when we found out we were having a girl it was pretty much decided. so not like me :) it just took a little bit to convince ryan that finley was going to work. he likes it, but was bothered by the long e on finley and ritchie :) this totally makes me laugh since i taught for 5 years and this never bothered me...i also informed him that her last name would not be ritchie forever...although i hate to marry her off that fast :)

as far as the nursery, we are making progress. we did decide to totally change it. this was an ENORMOUS decision for us that has honestly brought a lot of emotions with it. i'll get more into this another time. i will say it is getting a little easier since we have dug in and gotten started. i just wish we needed two rooms :) but, back to her room...it is VERY girly...imagine that! i think it is going to be perfect! her colors are cream, gold, grey, and petal pink. i will most definitely post some pictures when it is complete. i just can't until it is all together :) which i hope will be soon!

this past weekend, my dear friends hosted a dinner to celebrate our sweet girl. it was perfect! i cannot thank them enough for all of their hard work and for all of the details that went into this evening. i had told them that i did not want a shower since i felt like we had just had one for wyatt and she is our second. yet, i did want to celebrate her and God's blessing to us...so i agreed on a dinner with some friends. but wow was i surprised! they of course went all out....i should have known better :) i had told one of my friends while talking about this dinner that i really wanted to the focus to be on this blessing, celebrating her life, and our gift from above. i was so moved by the details that brought this focus home. to begin with, her invitation to the dinner was perfect....i will have to load a picture of it once i relocate it..ha! but it was cream with grey snowflakes and one pink snowflake...and at the bottom it had part of James 1:17

"Every good and perfect gift is from above..."

i LOVE this verse and believe it whole heartedly!

and then check out this set up :) all done in her colors....it was beautiful!

just wanted you to see the snowflakes hung from the ceiling :)

this was in the kitchen. love it!
my sweet friends and hostesses...amelia, (me), ashley, kristi, and leslie (my sis)
my amazing teacher friends...i could just say friends...but hey they are some amazing women and teachers on top of that :)

and finally...the sweet goodie bags....loved.

it was an amazing evening. it truly warmed my heart. i am so thankful for such incredible friends and family! thank you! i can't wait for Finley to meet all of you!

Christmas

2011-01-10T06:31:00.000-08:00

this year my mom and dad came up here to celebrate Christmas with ryan, my sister, her husband, and i. they came up last year as well, but this year felt a little more like Christmas. ryan and i didn't really decorate again...we will next year...but thankfully our hearts were in different places this year. while i missed wyatt like crazy, there was certainly a warmer feeling and i feel as though i was able to enjoy my time with family. last year i was still so numb. i know i didn't realize just how guarded i was then, but looking back i can see it clearly. i can still see this in certain areas of my life now. it can be a daily battle to let my guard down, accept things as they are, grieve and celebrate all at the same time. here are some pictures from Christmas i wanted to share. i love my family so very much and i am so thankful for their presence in our lives. they certainly made this holiday season more enjoyable...and i am so looking forward to next Christmas and two little girls :) (my sister is having a little girl next month...i can't wait!) i know they are going to kill me for posting pictures of them....did i say how much i love them? :)

ryan and i love taking avery to visit wyatt with us on Christmas day. she gets very excited :)
it is so bittersweet to visit him, but i am so very thankful that we can

home

2010-12-15T18:39:00.001-08:00

well...we made it to little rock, through our echo cardiogram and ultrasound. and the best part is that everything looks wonderful. her heart is healthy and working properly. i can't begin to tell you what a relief this is. i remember when wyatt had gotten out of surgery and ryan looked at me and said, "well at least we know we can survive this." and he was so right. we did survive, and while i would do it all again if we had to...i am so glad we don't have to. when life gets hard you kind of take it as it comes. you don't really have another choice. at this point, i can't even begin to imagine what is like to come home with a healthy baby. in fact, i can't even imagine leaving a hospital with my baby in my arms. i remember my mom wheeling me out the day i was released and i just kept thinking this isn't right. i so badly wanted to just walk out. if i didn't have a baby with me, i didn't want to even give the impression i had just had one. of course, that was not going to happen.
i have to say our visit went very well. not only did we get good news, God blessed us with wonderful techs and nurses. i had been warned that the exam could be a little unnerving. just the waiting and unknown. having heard this, i had prayed and prayed that God would bless us with nurses, techs, and doctors that would be sensitive to our situation and needs. that He would grant us peace. and He did just that. the tech that preformed the echo cardiogram was simply wonderful. she talked to us the whole way through and was very sensitive to our situation. while she could not tell us if all was ok or not, she did a wonderful job walking us through...telling us what part of the heart she was looking at and what the echo cardiogram was showing. i am so thankful for her and this huge blessing.
when good things happen, people often say "God is good." and He is. but He is good everyday and in every situation. those words just don't often pass our lips when times are tough or we don't understand something. i have to say today that God is good. He was good yesterday. Today. and He will be tomorrow. thank you for your continued support and love. today we celebrate a healthy baby. we can't wait to meet you little one!

so sorry...

2010-12-07T11:29:00.000-08:00

i am so sorry it has been so long since i have written. it was never my intention to keep quiet this long :) life has just been full. and as i take a minute to breathe i realize how thankful i am that it has been so full. i am doing pretty well, but to be honest, this is such a hard time of year. i hesitate to say this, as if every other day is easy, but their is such a stillness amidst the chaos this time of year. so i am thankful that my hands have been busy for this leaves a little less time to focus on another holiday without wyatt. i am not totally sure what it is about this season, but as we celebrate the birth of Christ and the hope that brings, i find myself more homesick for heaven. which really, is a good place to be. it certainly keeps things in perspective.

i will not even to try to sum up this past month. but towards the end of november we did attend the candlelight service at memorial gardens. it was such a nice celebration. they do a wonderful job celebrating the lives of those who have gone before us and celebrating our Savior. Both of our families made the trip up to be with us and to celebrate wyatt's life. it was so very special. i am so thankful to have parents and family who so willingly wrap their arms around us and join us in celebrating our son.

Every year they read this poem entitled Christmas in Heaven by Wanda White. it always brings tears to my eyes, but i love it. i have to admit that while i cannot imagine how wonderful Christmas is in Heaven...i still wish i could celebrate with wyatt. one day.

i will have to post a picture of his marker soon. it is finished and i believe it has been fixed. this is a picture of it the night of the candlelight celebration. so sweet.

on another note, our little one due in march seems to be doing well. i have really started feeling her move around...which i love. what a sweet reminder of what is to come. i am not one to wish time away (or usually not) but i am so ready for march to get here. i am certainly getting anxious to see her face to face and hold her sweet body in my arms. only a little while longer :) i will be sure to update you on our nursery progress and her name. we have decided on a first name, but are taking our time on a middle name. so, i will let you know as soon as we start making decisions :) we have our big appointment in LR on friday. so, if you think about it, i ask you to please pray for our anxious hearts and for our little girl. there are so many emotions about this appointment...yet, at the same time, i certainly feel graced by God's peace. i will definitely keep you posted on what we find out. thank you in advance for your prayers.

"But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,

on those whose hope is in his unfailing love"

Psalm 33:18

it's true....

2010-10-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

i am so excited to have some good news to share! we had our ultrasound yesterday and as far as we can tell baby ritchie is healthy! HER heart has four chambers and all. we couldn't be more thrilled or feel more blessed. even having gone through what we have this past year, i still feel so undeserving of such a precious gift. i know that God's hands are all over this precious life just as they were all over wyatts. i am so very humbled and thankful that He has blessed us with this sweet baby girl. the more i live and the more i understand how fragile life is and the more and more i realize what an intricate part our Heavenly Father plays in it all. so we are anxiously awaiting the safe arrival of our little girl.

"Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord."

Psalm 150:6

pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day

2010-10-15T10:11:00.000-07:00

today....october 15th....is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. a special day for us to honor our sweet little ones who are no longer with us. while some of these babies and children were held here on earth there are others who were not. yet we miss them all...whether they were merely an image on a screen or a weight in our arms. they are missed. so in remembrance of wyatt today and all of his wonderful new friends, i am lighting his candle. we love you wyatt and miss you so very much!

just checking in...

2010-10-12T11:37:00.001-07:00

well, it's been a while. so sorry! i love fall, but i am ready for things to slow down... just a tad :) everything seems to be going well here. we are 17 weeks now and i am feeling good. my energy is beginning to return. we were able to hear the heartbeat for the first time at my last appointment two weeks ago. such a sweet and promising sound. it was 140 and the doctor said he/she is a mover. definitely my kind of kid :) we get to find out the gender at our next appointment in two weeks. i'm so excited...and admitably a little nervous. to be honest, i don't care either way if we have a boy or a girl...i am just anxious to hear he/she is healthy! we were not aware of wyatt's condition until hours after his birth, but truly this ultrasound should tell us a few things. wyatt had double outlet right ventricle with pulmonary and mitral artersia...which is really a couple of different defects that tend to come together...not always...but usually. this is a complicated defect to explain for it can look different in different patients. but i am hoping to hear that this baby's heart has four perfectly formed chambers. which is something that should be picked up on during this ultrasound. so while this appointment will not put us in the clear it will address a major concern. we will have another appointment in little rock december 12th to have a level 2 ultrasound and echo cardiogram....which will tell us more and we will get a more detailed look at the heart at that time. that pretty much sums everything up though. wyatt's marker has arrived. it was actually placed on the 28th...exactly a year from the date of his service. i haven't posted pictures yet since it was not done the way we had asked, but they are working on getting it fixed. i think it is close. i'll definitely post some pictures once it looks perfect :)

september 23rd

2010-09-28T12:00:00.000-07:00

well it has come...and gone...but i cannot not acknowledge this day. wyatt has been in the presence of our Father for one year now. it is so hard to believe. i continue to miss him as though it were yesterday. yet we have still come so far. there are so many layers to who we are and we have become. wyatt will always be a huge part of those layers. which is so wonderful and yet so painful at the same time. i carry such a huge piece of him with me...and always will...yet as time passes, he becomes less and less of a piece of others. which is painful to watch and acknowledge. i am fully aware that others will not always carry him with them as we do, but i do not want him to become lost either. he is a piece of us that continues to need to be acknowledged and loved. so thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the cards, emails, texts, and phone calls...over this past year, but especially last thursday. we miss wyatt every day...it does not have to be a holiday, or his birthday, or the anniversary of his heavenly homecoming, but these days we have to face a little more head on. these are given days that bring more to the surface although there are random days in between that come with this same emotion. again, thank you for being such a huge part of our lives, for your continued love, and support. thank you for talking to us about wyatt, for asking questions, for looking at his pictures. thank you for acknowledging this huge part of us over this past year.

it's a special day

2010-09-17T14:23:00.000-07:00

happy birthday to THE MOST WONDERFUL man in the world! love ya! (just had to embarrass him a little :) )

missing wyatt

2010-09-13T14:30:00.000-07:00

i am so glad to have a minute to sit down and write. life has been very bitter sweet over the past few weeks. while i am so thankful the pregnancy seems to be going wonderful, my heart is heavy as i miss wyatt. i continue to think back to this time last year and how he was in our arms. i almost seem to be counting down until the 23rd as if we are going to loose him again. over the past year my emotions have ranged from a few good moments here and there to a few good hours and eventually into a few good days, followed by a few good weeks, and somewhere in there i have returned to the living but always have our loss just below the surface. and the longer it stays there the closer it gets to the surface. at those times i just have to embrace the tears and heartache, experience them if you will, and then put these emotions back under the surface so that i can continue on. now don't get me wrong, while the sadness is under the surface i am able to live and breath and enjoy life and the wonderful people in my life, but i feel compelled to say that i will always miss wyatt. words cannot tell you how over joyed i am to have a little one on the way, but i also must say that while this child brings us hope, he or she will never take the sting away of not having wyatt. this child is our second child...we love this sweet new life as we love wyatt. they are both our children and our blessings from above. so i humbly ask that you continue to pray for mine and ryan's hearts as we miss our little one. and to pray for this miracle yet to be seen by our eyes. that he or she is healthy and growing and developing as he or she should. thank you so much for your continued support, love, and prayers.

redeeming hope

2010-09-01T07:25:00.001-07:00

i'm not sure where to begin today. there is so much on my mind and in my heart. but one thing i have learned over this past year is to truly celebrate God's gifts and our blessings. not to take anything for granted. so while i want to tell you so much about where we are right now, i also want to soak in the moment of our blessing. God has been so good to us and we have been blessed so i will keep it short and simple....wyatt is going to have a brother or sister! our hearts are full in a new way as we miss our sweet boy and begin a new chapter in our lives. we are so thankful for this new life and humbled by God's gracious gifts.

here's a sneak peek of the little sprout....almost 12 weeks!

"for you created my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well."

Psalm 139:13-14

moment by moment

2010-08-26T06:38:00.000-07:00

as august winds down we have survived yet another first and a year has passed since our sweet boy was born. it is so hard to believe he would be a year old. it is also so hard to believe that we have made it this far. i'm not really sure where the time has gone. it certainly has stood still in some aspects and disappeared in others. i think our year has been all about survival and so far we have at least done this. i have to admit, there have been moments i did not think we could make it this far. had it not been for the grace of God and the prayers and love of our friends i am certain our lives would look a lot different today. this year has been about taking life moment by moment. each week, each day, each moment is different. and there is certainly no way to predict our emotions or feelings. so step by step we have made it this far. as i think back over the past year, i cannot begin to tell you how much our friends have done for us...and usually when they didn't even know it. the texts, emails, cards, calls have meant the world. i have been so blessed to have friends just show up and check in. there have been days i just to needed to talk and i have had friends who have just listened. there are times there have been no words...but it has been comforting to just sit with someone. i realize you don't always know what to say or not to say, but God uses you in ways only He can when you allow Him...so thank you. thank you for taking care of us this past year and for continuing to do so as we continue to take our lives moment by moment. the video below is a small look into our past year...from having wyatt to last wednesday...his birthday...from planting a tree in his memory to his celebration dinner. i know i have left so much out...is just impossible to capture it all...but i wanted to look back and savor our past as we look forward to our future.

happy first birthday sweet wyatt

2010-08-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

as i read this the other day, i couldn't help but think how accurately this sums up our past year...during this year it has been so difficult to separate the sorrow from the joy in our lives.

"sorrow was beautiful, but her beauty was the beauty of the moonlight shining through the leafy branches of the trees in the wood, and making little pools of silver here and there in the soft green moss below.
when sorrow sang, her notes were like the low sweet call of the nightingale, and in her eyes was the unexpectant gaze of one who has ceased to look for coming gladness. she could weep in tender sympathy with those who weep, but to rejoice with those who rejoice was unknown to her.
joy was beautiful, too, but his was the radiant beauty of the summer morning. his eyes still held the glad laughter of childhood, and his hair had the glint of sunshine's kiss. when joy sang his voice soared upward as the lark's, and his step was the step of a conqueror who has never known defeat. he could rejoice with all who rejoice, but to weep with those who weep was unknown to him.
'but we can never be united,' said sorrow wistfully.
'no, never.' and joy's eyes shadowed as he spoke.
'my path lies through the sunlit meadows, the sweetest roses bloom for my gathering, and the blackbirds and thrushes await my coming to pour forth their moist joyous lays.'

'my path,' said sorrow, turning slowly away, 'leads through the darkening woods; with moonflowers only shall my hands be filled. yet the sweetest of all earth songs-the love song of the night-shall be mine; farewell, joy, farewell.'

even as she spoke they become conscious of a form standing beside them; dimly seen, but of kingly Presence, and a great and holy awe stole over them as they sank on their knees before Him.

'i see Him as the King of Joy,' whispered sorrow, 'for on His head are many crowns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of great victory. before Him all my sorrow is melting away into deathless love and gladness, and i give myself to Him forever.'

'nay, sorrow," said joy softly, 'but i see Him as the King of Sorrow, and the crown on His head is a crown of thorns, and the nailprints in His hands and feet are the scars of great agony. i too, give myself to Him forever, for sorrow with Him must be sweeter than any joy i have ever known.'

'then we are one in Him,' they cried in gladness, 'for none but He could unite joy and sorrow.'

hand in hand they passed out into the world to follow Him through storm and sunshine, in the bleakness of winter cold and the warmth of summer gladness, as sorrowful yet always rejoicing."

Gregory Floyd

both joy and sorrow have been prominent in our lives over the past year. woven together and never separated. we have experienced pure joy and such sadness over the short life of wyatt. from the celebration of his birth to the sorrow of his condition. from the joy of his recovery to the sorrow of his journey. from the joy for his new life with our Father in Heaven and the sorrow of being left behind. the two have never been separated. how great is our Father that we can experience both simultaneously. that we are not overcome with joy to be let down to sorrow. that we are not hopeless in sorrow and have reason to believe joy is coming in the morning.

wyatt, we miss you so very much, but we celebrate your life and the lives you have forever changed. we celebrate as sorrowful yet always rejoicing. happy first birthday to a boy who has touched many beyond his years. we love you!

the perfect start to a hard week...

2010-08-15T18:29:00.000-07:00

my friend bek came over again this afternoon. i had really missed spending time with her. there is something so wonderful in taking time to work on something that is made in honor of wyatt...to share it and him with someone is even more incredible. i am so sad our project is almost over. just a few coats of sealer and we are finished...maybe we can start another one sometime soon :) today we poured a CLEAR wax over the canvas...we were both a tad hesatent after our last adventure with the beeswax (which was yellow and we had to scrape off with knives) but this worked great. i wish you could see it in person. there is so much depth and texture it is beautiful. the third picture is of the heart we attached today. as some of you may remember, my mom peeled all of the tiny labels from wyatt's milk bottles and formed them into this beautiful heart. what a tangible reminder of where we have been...and what has been ours. the canvas has turned out beyond my expectations. thank you bek for taking time out of your busy life and away from your sweet little one to help heal my heart.

as we start this week, i'm not really sure where to begin. i will say i am doing much better at the moment than i could have ever expected. my heart is definitely heavy and there are moments i cannot catch my breath but thankfully God has been good to fill me up in ways only He can. i am so thankful that He knows the depth of my pain and the depth of my loss. for as He knows these things, He brings peace to my broken heart. it is not a peace that makes me miss wyatt any less, but a peace that allows me to survive this life here on earth. i don't miss wyatt anymore today than i did yesterday or the day before...that would be impossible. but, as his birthday creeps up i find myself missing more of what could have been. at times like these, there are moments my mind wonders to places i rarely let it go. to the details of the night wyatt passed away. to the terror i felt as they prepared him for emergency surgery, to the helplessness i felt as we watched our little boy's body fail. i so vividly recall the details of that night. the ups and downs. i remember the way it felt to hold and touch his sweet face after we had lost him. how scared i was to see him. not knowing when death would set in and so afraid the memories of life would be erased in a moments time. i remember so much. most days, i tend to linger on the way it felt to hold him, how tightly he would wrap his little hand around our fingers, how sweet he looked as he slept in our arms. i tend to remember the details of his life and not focus on the details of his death. but at times such as this, these thoughts tend to linger a little longer. i am so thankful God is ever so present as these thoughts make their presence known. may He continue to protect our hearts and hold us close. as we begin this week, i am so looking forward to celebrating wyatt's life. i celebrate all that he was, all that he is, and all that he will be. we love you wyatt!

"my flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever"

Psalm 26:73

selecting a marker

2010-08-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

this weekend ryan and i went to choose a marker for wyatt. this was something we had been putting off for quite some time....and to be honest, had gotten pretty good at it. we just felt like there was something so final to picking it out. and honestly, deep down, i still liked having something to do for wyatt. it was the only way i could still take care of him. i also was afraid it would be very emotional and was not sure i wanted to put ourselves through it. it was kind of the thought that when we're doing ok let's enjoy being ok and when times are rough let's not make it worse. but, we made the decision about a week ago that it was time. and much to our surprise, it was not near as terrible as we thought it was going to be. i will admit there moments i was fighting back tears, but the lady we worked with was incredible. she was so sensitive and sincere, yet still upbeat and happy which made her a joy to work with. i had visited with her on the phone friday before we went out there to give her a rough idea of what we were looking for. this may sound funny, but ryan and i both wanted something simple and even vintage looking if there is such a thing. we know it will not come aged, but we both agreed that we did not want a shiny marker. it's so funny how everyone is different....i'm just glad ryan and i agreed :) we walked around the cemetery with the lady who was helping us and fairly quickly we were able to come up with some ideas of what we wanted. the exciting part is that there is not another marker in the cemetery like the one we want. so it will be unique and special just like our little boy. we haven't totally decided if we want an upright or a bevel (which is flat but raised up about 4 inches from the ground). i'll keep you posted on the one we choose. i cannot wait to show it to you. over these past months, i have come to realize just how differently people grieve and handle loss. i know that choosing a marker is no different...that being said, while i know we put off picking out his marker for so long, as we left the cemetery saturday i was so glad we waited until we did. i had felt guilty for not doing this before now, but i feel like we were really able to select what we wanted this weekend, while i am not sure i would have been able to do so before. for one, i did not have a clue what i wanted. but i also think i would have been so overcome by grief that in a way i would not have been able to think straight about this important decision. i remember walking through the cemetery before wyatt's funeral trying to figure out which plot we wanted and to be honest, nothing was going to be good enough. i had no idea of what i wanted or where a good place would be. while i am very happy with the spot we chose, there is such a difference in making these decisions today. it will most likely take four to six weeks to get it from the time we order, but i will be sure to post some pictures and tell you all about it.

11 months

2010-07-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

today wyatt would be 11 months old. so hard to believe. i cannot even begin to imagine what he would look like at this stage. when i think of him, he remains a tiny baby. not a little one who is sitting up, learning to walk, and doing all of the things he should be doing. i am sure he would look just like his dad...maybe because i heard that a lot in the hospital. while time is not healing our pain we are continuously finding ways to live with it and occasionally around it. i pray today that our Father in Heaven is doing all of the things with wyatt that i so long to do. i find comfort in knowing that while wyatt is not physically here on earth with us, he is taken care of.

You, my God, are the Rock.

Your works are perfect, and all Your ways are just.

You are a faithful God who does no wrong.

You are upright and just.

Deut. 32:4

today

2010-07-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

this morning, as i was getting going and ready for the day, i pulled out my beth moore daily devotional..."praying God's word day by day." i love this little book. short and sweet but filled with God's word. not to mention, a close friend gave this book to me shortly after wyatt's death. she even went to the trouble to place little sticky notes here and there commenting on the devotions. so thoughtful and such a sweet reminder of the love and support we have. well...back to my point :), one of the verses for today was Psalm 31:7-8...

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love,

for you saw my affliction

and knew the anguish of my soul.

You have not handed me over to the enemy

but have set my feet in a spacious place."

i just loved this and really wanted to share it. i know this verse can apply to so many of us in so many different situations. but ultimately, it is nice to be reminded that HE is not far.

i'm here. i'm here...

2010-07-06T14:14:00.001-07:00

well once again, life has been super busy...which i am still so very thankful for. i think God knows i need to keep my hands full right now. a couple of weeks ago ryan and i went to the beach with my mom, dad, and sister. we had a wonderful time. it was so nice to get away and to be with family. the weather was great and i think we may have just missed the oil. the beach is one of my favorite places to be so i am so glad we had the opportunity to go. ryan doesn't usually get to go but, he was able to sneak away from work and join us...what a treat! we would get up early (only because ryan does NOT sleep in) and would go on a walk or bike ride. it was so relaxing. here is a picture....i'm not sure why ryan looks so red :) he really didn't get that burned.

on another note, i want to send you over to my dear friend sarah's blog. her daughter, mamie, was born a sleeping angel last june. sarah has been such a wonderful friend and support since we lost wyatt. in honor of mamie, she has teamed up with a local pottery store to create and provide plates for moms and dads who have lost children. i am so impressed! and i cannot tell you how special this will be for all of these parents. i know wyatt's hand and feet prints are some of my favorite keepsakes. they mean so much to me. while i love his blankets and the few clothes he got to wear, his prints are a part of him. i know the plates will mean the world to the parents who receive them. way to go sarah! i am so very proud of you and mamie!!! the link to her site is: http://www.adamsfamilylr.blogspot.com/

enjoy!

happy father's day!

2010-06-17T16:55:00.004-07:00

i know wyatt is looking down today thanking God for such an amazing dad. i hate that he cannot be here loving on ryan today, but i pray that ryan feels his presence. i knew ryan was going to be a good dad...there was never a doubt in my mind...but there are no words to express how wonderful of a dad he is. i keep thinking about the way he followed wyatt to the hospital and how he had to deal with so much by himself. how he fought off sleep by wyatt's side in the NICU and then ended up sleeping in the car because he did not want to leave him. i think about how he never complained about taking care of wyatt or myself. he has truly been selfless. i am amazed by his strength and know wyatt and i are blessed to know this man. we love you!

10 months

2010-06-17T16:30:00.000-07:00

it's hard to believe that tomorrow wyatt would be 10 months old. i'm not really sure where the time has gone. i keep finding myself thinking of things we should be doing and how big he would be. i think about how i would be working on his birthday party...i know it would still be 2 months away, but i have day dreamed about his birthday since we found out we were pregnant. i was so excited he would be born in august...i wanted to have all of our friends and family over to celebrate. i wanted to be outside soaking it all in. now instead, i dread this day. i can't help but cry every time i think about how we are going to make it through. i know we will though. just like every other day. i think i spend more time getting anxious and upset over days and then when they arrive we survive. just like every other day. i think i hoped that there was something magical about a year and that once we had made it through all of the firsts life would be easier. sadly, i realize that this is not totally true. there is nothing magical about a year. it is just a year without my sweet boy. i am sure with time the pain will lessen, but there is not a schedule or a time frame from which i can expect this. i am learning more and more everyday how to rely on God. i am to a point, that i am too tired to make it on my own. i know there are days i push Him away. not always on purpose, but sometimes to "protect" myself. i cannot lie, it is tiring to pour your heart out all the time...and so at times, i build a wall. but these are the days i feel Him the closest. i love that He knows my heart and while i may get defensive with Him He knows that i love him and need him. i love that He loves me despite my emotions. what an awesome father.

bek came back!

2010-06-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

yea! today bek came over and we started painting! it was so nice to see her and to paint a little. i have really missed her! it is such good therapy to paint but also just to spend that time talking. so thanks for spending the afternoon with me! we had quite the time :) i laugh because the painting looks so simple and abstract...but when you start trying to get it down on canvas things get a little more difficult. from the beginning, i knew i wanted the verses to be the background of the painting. i want you to be able to see them and read bits and pieces of them, but i didn't want the verses to be the art work. i really wanted a piece i could hang just about anywhere and not get tired of. i also didn't want it it to look crafty. lots of requirements, huh?! i'm not real into abstract art, but i do love aspects of it at times....usually the colors and the ways they blend together. so when i saw this painting on the internet i thought it would be the perfect painting....it looks like a piece of art and you would still be able to see the verses without them being the focus....perfect. if only i could paint like this :)

i was a little nervous to start the loops on it. i had practiced, but let's just say ryan was FAR from impressed and thought it might be better to let bek do her thing. i'll admit, i agreed! however, bek just wouldn't do it :) i don't think she wanted to be held responsible. ha! so, with a little encouragement and a pep talk, i got started. i'm almost embarrassed to post a picture so close to the one i was attempting to imitate :)....

my version is not quite a as busy as the true artists but i was afraid i would totally over do it and liked the big loops. one thing we really wanted on this canvas was lots of texture. it is hard to see from the pictures, but we're getting there. one way to add texture was to cover the canvas in wax. well...that turned into an adventure. we started putting the wax on and i noticed that the painting was turning a little yellow. hmmm....not really what we had in mind. so we tried painting a little varnish on to see if that would clear things up....nope. so off it came. we got most of the wax off with butter knives :) needless to say, we touched it up a little and stopped there for the day. i think my arm may be sore tomorrow. i still LOVE the idea of coating it in wax so i'm going to find some clear wax and coat it with that. we'll see! i may be scraping again, but hey at least you can't really mess anything up. i'll be sure to post some more pictures when it is totally complete! and bek thanks again for all your help!!!

purpose

2010-06-09T13:01:00.000-07:00

ok, so i'm not as computer savvy as i would like to think...so you'll have to go to the link :). but i just love this lesson. occasionally i need to be reminded that no matter how deep the grief is, God's will is being accomplished...and while that does not always bring peace, there is meaning to wyatt's life and our life here. i can get so lost in the grief and heartache that i forget i'm still here to serve a purpose. i hope you enjoy!

http://proverbs31devotions.blogspot.com/2009/09/different-way-to-look-at-suffering.html

it's been a while...

2010-06-06T17:20:00.000-07:00

life has been busy. which is a good thing right now, but it also wears me down and therefore, my emotions are right under the surface. As of the past few days, I have been shocked by the amount of grief and loss i feel. i know we are not far on this journey, but i feel as though i lost my son yesterday....except now the reality has sunk in and is hard to swallow. everyday remains a challenge. there are certainly more good days, but even on those good days there is a strong sense of loss. i think of wyatt constantly. i mean just about every minute of everyday. as i have said, the grief tends to come in waves for one reason or another. so i have faith that this will pass.
i have really had such a wonderful time with friends and family lately, but i have become painfully aware that our appearance of "being o.k." sends a confusing message. which i totally understand. grief is so different for all of us. there are times that ryan will tell me things that are hard for him that i had not even thought of. there are times i am sure i tell ryan things that are hard for me that he never would have thought of. for example, shopping :) this used to come so naturally, but i have to admit that it has been a hurdle i have had to make my way around. it seems so silly, but for so long i had envisioned myself hanging out with wyatt strolling through stores and enjoying ourselves, that it has been a true battle for me. there are so many everyday life things that have been unexpectedly difficult. things i never would have thought of i had not been placed here. and to be honest, i am still very sensitive to the loss of wyatt and not being able to watch him grow up or take care of him. i miss him very much. so thank you for your continued support and prayers. i truly appreciate them.

happy anniversary!

2010-05-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

well it has been a rough few months to say the least, but I woke up happy today to have my husband beside me. i just had to give him a quick shout out :) and say happy anniversary! i am the luckiest woman in the world and am ever so thankful for him. i could go on and on, but i'm going to keep it short and sweet...i'd hate to embarrass him :) so...happy anniversary!

a better day

2010-05-21T11:51:00.001-07:00

so happy to report that today has been so much better. it is so pretty outside and i have a wedding this afternoon. i can't wait! so thanks for the prayers, i'm glad this week is about over.

trying to find peace

2010-05-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

i so badly want to say that i am doing well and holding up, but this week is wearing me out. it is nothing out of the ordinary, it just feels long and exhausting. i know my grief comes in waves and varying degrees. right now the days seem to go on forever and i want nothing more than for them to pass quickly. i so badly want to hold my little boy again. there are days when i can find peace in knowing that i will see him again, but there are days i feel as though i cannot wait any longer. i am ready for this wave to pass.

9 months

2010-05-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

it is so hard to believe wyatt would be 9 months old today. i'm not really sure where the time has gone. i am still having trouble grasping that summer is on its way. That winter has come and gone without him. it's funny how time stands still at times like these. love you little man!

pretty in pink

2010-05-14T13:39:00.000-07:00

ryan and i are so blessed to live by some wonderful people! my sweet neighbor, ashley, brought these over the other day. they also took care of our yard for us while we were in little rock. i can't tell you how much we appreciated that. ryan is a BIG yard guy and it was so nice to know everything was taken care of while we were away. i just wanted to share them with you. they smell incredible. i love them!!!! have a good weekend!

happy mother's day

2010-05-09T16:59:00.000-07:00

those of you who know me well, know that i have been blessed with an amazing mom. a mom who always provided direction and guidance, yet has let us experience life and make our own decisions...even when she knew heartache was to follow. i know this is hard for a mother to do. she is a constant in my life. a mother and a dear friend. she is a wonderful lady outside of being my mom and i am so proud of her. i have always loved her presence in my life and am still loving it to this day. thank you mom for being present in my past and my present. i love you dearly.

today has been such a bitter sweet day. ryan, my mom, dad, sister, avery, and i headed out to devil's den to "hike" and get out of the house. it was so nice to be with family on such a difficult day. it was nice to be outside and not idol at home. there is something about being outside that makes you feel more alive. i have received so many texts, cards, and words of encouragement today. thank you. i can't even begin to tell you how sweet it is to receive letters and messages wishing me a happy mother's day. it's nice to know others are thinking of us today, but it is especially nice to be called mom. i have wonderful friends who so sweetly remind me that i am and always will be wyatt's mom. and yet while i know this, and am so proud of this, i do not feel like a mom. my arms are empty and i feel helpless. miles away from the one who would call me mom. never to hear his sweet voice cry out for me. i feel like there are so many things a mom does for their child and yet i cannot do anything for mine. i cannot hold him, take care of him, i cannot look into his big eyes and tell him how much i love him, i cannot teach him about life and watch him grow. i long for these moments with him. i simply long to BE his mom.

my heart aches with all of my sweet friends who have lost their precious babies. i look forward to the day we are all in Heaven holding our little ones.

trying to find patience

2010-05-04T16:16:00.000-07:00

another day down. today has been better than yesterday, but yesterday was rough. real rough. it's just a hard time for us and this week is so difficult leading up to mother's day. i think i have been dreading this day for months. i just wish we could skip it all together. i have the most wonderful mom in the world, but i can't get over not having wyatt here to celebrate with. there are so many people that have lost children, miscarried, or who long for a baby and haven't been able to get pregnant. i know that i am not alone in wanting this day to come and go. quickly. i know it stresses ryan out too. he is such an amazing husband and doesn't know what to do to make sunday less painful. but as we well know, there isn't a thing anyone can do....but just be there. i am so thankful to be married to such an amazing man who cares so much about our family. i love that he can still make me smile and laugh when i am feeling so defeated. i believe there is good in our future, it is just hard to see through the fog right now. i can't wait to look back and say "look at us now." i believe God has big plans for us....i'm just growing a little impatient ;) which really is no surprise....patience is not my strong point.

day by day

2010-04-28T15:52:00.000-07:00

i have learned so much about myself and mine and ryans's relationship over the past eight months. i can tell you that this magnitude of grief and the emotions it has brought to the surface has really surprised me. i am often told that we are so strong and people often tell me how they could not get through this. i am so humbled that people see us as strong. i often think to myself if you could only see the tears we have cried and felt the depth of our pain you would realize we are not strong at all. not even close. but i often think of 2 Corinthians 12:10 "...for when i am weak, then I am strong." when you get to a point such as this, you realize...whole heartedly.....that we are not in control. ryan and i did not choose to be here. but were chosen. and i cannot lie and pretend that that brings comfort, because it does not. but we have no other choice than to survive this. our only choice is are going to suffer alone or in the arms of our Father in Heaven. and we choose to share our pain with our mighty Father in Heaven. we could not do this alone. we are not doing this alone. i wish i could tell you that because of our faith the pain is less severe. but it is not. our faith brings us hope. hope for our future and hope to be with our son again...but it does not in any way take an ounce of our pain away. our loss is what it is. there is no way around it. last week i was on my way to visit a dear friend who has also lost her sweet baby, and i was listening to the radio. they were interviewing a woman, a missionary, who had been held hostage with her husband for an extended period of time. unfortunately, her husband was not released here on earth. but while she was talking she said something that really hit home with me. she was talking about grief and how sometimes people make the assumption that because of her strong faith her pain was less in some way. and she then went on to say that you cannot put a "spiritual band aid" on grief. yes, we have hope for our future and believe that God is good, but the feelings are not any less real...any less painful....any less in anyway. but what faith does is allow God to bring healing, restoration, and revelation. not too long ago, i read that "basing our faith on who God is rather than what He appears to be doing is crucial to our spiritual health." you cannot imagaine the things i would say to Him if my faith was based solely on what He appears to be doing. i do not know His plan and neither do you. but i trust that no matter how painful this journey is, i can and will trust what He is doing and where He is taking us. which totally ties into a conversation i had this morning with a friend. we have to trust God more than we question Him. i don't know why we are here or even what we are doing, but i do know that God is getting us through this diffiuclt journey one step at a time....and He is using you to support and hold us up when we cannot stand on our own. so thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding us up with your prayers and presence. i cannot even begin to tell you how truly important it is just to have you present. present to keep living with us and by us. present to talk or not talk about wyatt. just present. i find that because some people do not know what to say to us they tend not to say anything at all. sometimes people avoid being with us and aviod talking to us. but i have to tell you, that not saying anything at all is worse than saying the "wrong thing." just a sweet text saying you're thinking of us or praying for us or just wanted to say hello means more than you could ever know. it's the "little" things right now that mean the most. so thank you for the "little things."

still here

2010-04-24T16:38:00.000-07:00

Still here :) work has REALLY picked up. it didn't really slow down as much i thought it would for it being sooo cold, but now that it is warm, i am working over time. life is still pretty much the same here. i am learning to enjoy myself amidst the pain. i am really trying to stay strong. i know to some, we really look like we are doing great and everything is fine...we'll just say i'm glad we look ok, but we are still surviving day by day. it is better right now, don't get me wrong... but there are moments that a life time just seems too long. as the emotions rise, i am reminded that God has and will keep us going. i am amazed and so thankful for what He has done with us so far. so, i just thought i would check in. didn't want anyone to think i had disappeared :)

sweet memories

2010-04-14T15:32:00.001-07:00

i just had to post a few pictures....these always make me smile. love you sweet angel!

this is our little man in his bouncy seat his aunt les gave him...and he LOVED it!

here we were cheering the hogs on...hence my razorback shirt and his red socks. this is the day i found out it was ok for him to wear clothes. i was soooo excited, i slipped out while dad baby sat and tried to find him something red for our big date that night...obviously i came home empty handed...but hey he had red socks :)

and here he was just hanging out...being dramatic ;)

2010-04-12T10:26:00.001-07:00

right now i am in the middle of a Bible study on David. i am always amazed how God reaches out to me through such studies. always when i least expect it. it really wasn't until day 3 of my study that it all begin to hit home. on this particular day, we focused on how David was angry and afraid and wondered how the ark of the Lord could ever come to him. the study went on to say that we need to be determined to allow God to take us and our families "so far" that He alone can be the explanation. i am so anxious to allow Him to take us that far. i can't wait to come to a place where i can say, "look where God has brought us!" right now I am just trusting that He will. but how exciting! the study also talked about moving past our devastation with God. really?! i had never thought of it this way. but yes, i have been devastated with God. while i can say i haven't been really angry with him, I have been devastated. my feelings have certainly been hurt. how could such a loving and faithful God not hear our cries as we poured out our hearts and our desires and trusted him alone with our son. truly, i know He heard our cries and hears them still. i know His heart breaks with ours. but i also know that how i handle this has a direct impact on my relationship with my Father. the maker and creator...the author of life. i am ever so thankful that while i struggle, He knows my heart. the moment David could say, "look how far you have brought me" came after heart ache. the study also talked of how true intimacy with God cannot grow in an untrue environment. I love that the author wrote that "our hearts never need pouring out more than when they are filled with the toxic waters of bitterness." how true this is. how grateful i am for a God who knows my devastation with Him and is not offended. He waits patiently for me. how wonderful it is to trust that God's ways are higher than mine and that i don't have to understand His ways to settle my heart ache and hurt feelings. i can and do trust Him.

"trust in Him at ALL times, O people;

pour out your hearts to him,

for God is our refuge"

Psalm 62:8

making it

2010-04-09T14:37:00.000-07:00

this past week has flown by. there are times i don't where the days go and others that seem painfully endless. i can't say much has changed here...which is why i haven't written in a week. right now, the heartache is just below the surface. enough that i am pretty much doing ok, but it doesn't take much to rock my world. easter was most definitely the hardest day i have had in a while. the tears started before we ever left for church and pretty much lasted all day. i would think i was ok and then find myself bawling again. i just kept wondering where the tears were coming from. do we ever run out?! it was just one of those days. i really miss him. i wasn't really prepared for easter to be so difficult. i guess it just breaks my heart that there are so many holidays i will never get to spend with him. year after year.
we brought Wyatt's easter lily to the cemetery today. better late than never :) it was so beautiful there. the grass is green, a great deal of the markers have flowers, and the birds were chirping. as i was standing there by his grave, i couldn't help but notice the birds and flowers. but it is funny that no matter how beautiful is, it cannot take this pain away. i love the sunshine and beauty spring brings...but at times, it is just a distraction. a distraction i am certainly thankful for, but a distraction none the less. i only wish it could take away the sting of death.
so for now, i will enjoy these somewhat lighter days. for the only thing i have learned about grief is that it usually comes in waves and is extremely unpredictable.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion

and the God of all comfort..."

same

2010-04-02T10:26:00.001-07:00

well, not much has been going on. the past week has been pretty good. still emotional, but also busy and productive which is good. i have found that this past week or so my good has been better and my bad has been worse. the grief never totally leaves, but comes in degrees and waves. right now, i am pretty neutral. not totally up or totally down. just in between and surviving...which is better than just down. someone once made an analogy about grief that makes total sense. she said that grief is like being in a room filled with people smoking (and you don't). after a while, you begin to get used to it. when you get out to catch your breath and breathe for a moment you remember how nice fresh air is. but when you have to go back in, the smoke feels much heavier and it feels more difficult to breathe. it feels much worse. as time goes on, you get to get out more and breathe more fresh air, but it gets harder and harder when you have to go back in. this is so true. i can get out of the smoke for a bit, but i always return....and when i do it is harder and harder to breathe even though the smoke has not changed. i have just had a moment to escape. i can't wait for the day to live "outside" a little longer. but i believe that God is faithful and it will come. there will always be rougher days, but i know God will restore us and allow us to breathe.

"His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge

of him who called us by his own glory and goodness."

2 Peter 1:3

high heels

2010-03-28T16:32:00.001-07:00

so i guess it is my turn. i have put it off long enough :) most of you who know me well...or even really at all...know i am big fan of heels...it is not a secret. they are usually on my feet. that is except in the summer when i am able to wear sandals and flip flops. so i guess it will not surprise most of you if i told you that i wore my wedges a lot while we were at Children's. but there is a difference in wedges and high heels. in my defense, our trip to little rock was unexpected and i pretty much had to leave with what i had packed for my original trip to the hospital. which included the shoes i wore to the hospital...my brown wedges. don't think i hadn't thought that through...i didn't care if i had just had a baby...i was leaving the hospital in style :). which also brings me to the story. while we were in little rock we would occasionally have to do laundry. to be honest, my mom usually did it for us so we could stay with wyatt and not miss out on time with him. but occasionally, i needed out. a little fresh air and time to re-group, refresh, and re-energize. one afternoon, when ryan returned from work, i decided i would slip out and go tackle some laundry at my parent's house. maybe even get in a good shower if i had the energy. so, i packed up our dirty laundry and a few odds and ends and left. well, i wasn't ten feet out of our door when i totally busted it. flat on my back. thankfully, no one was around expect for the sweet janitor who was mopping the floor. she of course ran over to help me up and see if i was ok. about this time i turned around and ryan was standing in our door just laughing. apparently, the fall had been really loud ( i did have a lot of milk bottles in my bag as well). i was totally fine...a little embarrassed, but not hurt. thank goodness! another nurse came over and they continued to quiz me and insist that i see a doctor or get checked out. ha! NO WAY! i insisted that i was fine. i told them my pride was a little hurt, but that i was good to go. i quickly made my way to the car and tried to disappear for a while...hoping no one would remember the incident later. about an hour into laundry, i got a phone call. it was ryan . i just knew he was calling to make fun of me. let's just say, he is totally used to me running into walls and falling. as i answered the phone, i could hear him laughing on the other end. i of course, was laughing with him and then he said he needed my driver's license number. i could not figure out why in the world he would need my driver's license number...so i asked, and he told me they were having to file and accident report. i kid you not! i totally thought ryan was trying to pull a fast one on me and i refused to give in. but then i could hear two of our sweet nurses laughing in the background and telling me he was telling the truth. i reluctantly gave him my drivers license number and hung up. slightly embarrassed. when i returned to the hospital, ryan was so excited to show me the report and told me that he had requested a copy of it. ha! i began reading the report, and i could not stop laughing...first of all, it did not mention that the floors were soaking wet. and then it went on to say that my arms were full and that i was carrying lots of heavy bags (which was true) and that i was wearing high heels. it said i had gotten up quickly, resisted medical attention, and left rather fast. ok...yes, my hands were full, yes i had told them i was fine, but seriously?! high heels :) they were wedges. not quite as risky as high heels. oh it makes me laugh every time i think of this story and hearing two of favorite nurses laughing in the background. i know they all thought we were crazy there...ryan walking around with toilet paper flowing from this pants, me running around the hospital in "high heels." what a sight!

a little sunshine

2010-03-28T11:49:00.000-07:00

i am so looking forward to a warmer week. the sunshine doesn't always make me feel better, but the rain and clouds definitely make some days worse. so, i decided to brighten up the blog a little too :) talk to you soon!

why

2010-03-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

Lately I can't seem to get all of the questions out of my mind...all of the whys...Why Wyatt? Why us? Why did this happen after he fought so hard to live? Why?! Why can't I have my son here with me...with us?! Why do we have to endure so much and then so much more? I even go so far as tell God that it isn't fair...and I mean it. Really mean it. And while these thoughts were pouring over me this morning, God answered. Not like I wanted Him to, but gently as only He can. He reminded me that it is not all about me. All though I do tease with Ryan and tell him it is all about me...I know it is not. I can't tell you the number of people who have asked me the same thing. Telling us that we are such good parents and that it just doesn't make sense. Going on to tell us that some parents just shut down when they hear that something is "wrong" with their baby and distance themselves...but we did not. We loved harder. Even though it doesn't really make sense to me, I know that God keeps telling me that it isn't about me...it is all about HIM and HIS plans. His plans to prosper us and not to harm us. His plans to use Wyatt's life to touch the lives of many here on earth. His plans to enrich us and remind us of His faithfulness. So while I don't ususally notice these things amidst the pain, there are brief moments that I do. Brief moments that He dries my tears and quietly tells me it is not about you...it is about me. What great things You have accomplished through Wyatt's short life. What peace I can find in trusting You alone. Thank you God for allowing me to be a part of this great work here on earth.

update

2010-03-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

I don't even know where to begin today...it has been overwhelming in so many ways. Both happy and sad. Thank you so much for the sweet texts and messages today just letting us know you are thinking of us. I am truly touched...and amazed that our friends continue to think of us and show us support on days like today. I don't know how you remember such dates...but thank you for remembering. It means the world to me! Happy 6 months in Heaven sweet baby boy!

So here's an update on the canvas :) I really wanted to get a picture of Bek hosing it down...but it was COLD and rainy and I felt like maybe I should help and not just take pictures :) It's coming along though. I am so excited! So excited!

a better day

2010-03-18T18:12:00.000-07:00

Thanks to so many WONDERFUL friends, family, some beautiful weather, and art :) I feel better. Today, my friend Bek came over and we started on "THE CANVAS." Oh I am so excited and thankful. Bek volunteered to help....really teach me and help....design and create the canvas. I am so incredibly thankful for her sweet spirit and tender heart. She is not only a joy to be around but is really helping me make something wonderful. Thank you Bek! You are WONDERFUL! I meant it! I took some pictures today while we worked. It is going to be a step by step process but I am excited already! So here's a few pictures of our progress from today...

2010-03-16T11:15:00.000-07:00

I have been reluctant to write. I'm not really sure why. I think it is just because I don't have much to say....let me take that back...I don't have much to say that people want to hear. I try not to write solely about our pain. I don't know if it is because I don't want to "complain" all the time...if I feel like not writing about it makes it less real...or if I sometimes assume the world thinks we should just be ok by now. Not too long ago, I was visiting with someone about the things I have been doing. Just about life in general, when she asked me if I thought I might be expecting too much of myself. I laughed and said yes. But I then followed that with , "but I can't live like this forever." Grief is so hard to explain. It involves so many emotions and thoughts. Thoughts I would never have imagined...in my wildest dreams. I want to be in places that I cannot. It is a battle between being a good friend and looking out for myself. A battle between my desires and my emotions. So, I feel as though I am constantly having to put on a show and look ok from the exterior as I fall apart on the interior. It is exhausting. Yet I am not sure why I feel as though I have to put this pressure on myself. Pressure to appear ok. Maybe it is pride or maybe because I am so fed up with this pain I just want to convince myself we are making it. I don't know. So either way, I am just going to humble myself now and just say it...I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and worn out. I am tired of living everyday in this amount of pain. Just fed up. So while I don't think anyone expects us to be back to normal...it is makes me feel better to just say we're not. Our loss is huge and is felt everyday of our lives. There are days I can handle the pain better...but there are days I cannot handle anymore of it. Today, I have reached my limit. But during times like these, I am thankful that God hears my cries and surrounds me with me friends. Friends who can handle this grief and who expect nothing more.

no time like the present

2010-03-11T12:45:00.001-08:00

As Wyatt and I sat in our room one morning, I happened to glance out of our door to see the doors of CVICU east closed. My heart sank and I immediately began to pray. During our time in CVICU east they had informed us that the doors were always open and we were always welcome. We were also told that if we were to visit and find the doors closed we were not allowed to come in...that in this circumstance a patient was needing immediate attention and visitors would be allowed back in after everything and everyone was ok. So naturally, I began to cry and hold Wyatt a little closer. But as I sat there, I kept telling myself that we were ok. That we had made it to CVICU west or in my mind the "safer side." The we're ok side. And I began to think about God's plan for me. I thought about how Wyatt was doing well and how I just knew that God would not have "allowed" me to quit my job to stay home and take care of Wyatt and then rip him from my arms. There is no way God would allow me to return home without my son....without my new job. By the end of this pep talk I had convinced myself that I knew God's plan and I rested in that false sense of security. And it felt good.
So you can only imagine the sickness that fell over me the evening Wyatt was rushed back to CVICU east to prepare for surgery. We were no longer safe and I was helpless. There was not a thing I could do to help my son but pray....and watch as his fragile life slipped from our hands as the doctors prepared him for his unexpected emergency surgery.
And while this is such a difficult lesson to learn, I have learned something so very important. A lesson I would not have learned any other way. I have learned that while I was sure...sure...I knew God's plan for me. I did not. I still do not. But I do know that He does not waste a single breath. So while, my eyes were focused on our future and where we were going and what God was GOING TO do with us. I forgot to see what He WAS DOING with us.
Numbers 9:23 writes about how the Israelites traveled and camped and God guided them. In my Life Application Bible it goes on to discuss how when you follow God's guidance you are right where you are supposed to be...all the time...whether it is sitting still or moving forward. It also talks of how we often pray for God to show us what He wants us to do next or prepare us for where we are going...but instead, maybe we should ask God "What do you want me to do while I am RIGHT here?" God places us right where we are for a purpose. I have learned that there are a thousand different ways to get to the same location....but God puts me on the path I am on right now to serve a purpose this very day. I hope not to waste a single breath waiting on God to show me where I am going, but spend my time focusing on the now.

box

2010-03-09T11:57:00.000-08:00

I almost forgot. I designed and ordered the box through the Dream Album company. They do wonderful work and donate albums to my newest love...the Tiny Sparrow Foundation.

things to come

2010-03-08T16:23:00.000-08:00

Not too long ago, I decided I needed a special box to keep all of Wyatt's special items...his bracelets from the hospital...his foot prints....the ear muff from his helicopter ride...and all of the special cards, notes, and letters we have received. I have not thrown ANYTHING away. So, I was in full gear....searching for the perfect box...and I found it! This box is about 8x10. I am so excited to have it. The picture is absolutely perfect...the quality is amazing. I could go on and on...I wish the pictures did it justice! I just had to share!

Also...look what project is about to get started....my work of heart! Oh I cannot wait! I'll keep you posted on how things are going! Avery is obviously excited too...she thinks she has to be in EVERY picture :) Love her!

thank you

2010-03-04T15:17:00.000-08:00

Just before Wyatt's six month birthday my sister and a dear friend showed up at my house...I was very surprised to see them...They brought me a sweet card. The card read "thinking of you on the loss of your child" on the outside and "though gone much too soon, your child's life was a beautiful gift that will remain in so many hearts forever" on the inside. There was also a list of about 18 of my sweetest friends names listed inside the card. They had all come together to purchase a seat in the new auditorium or performing arts center where Ryan and I attended high school. Wyatt's name will be placed on a plaque on one of the seats there. Words cannot thank these girls enough. It goes beyond the seat itself....these wonderful friends have truly blessed us with an amazing gift. Not only will our son's name be written for many to see...but the mere gift of acknowledging his life is the greatest gift they could give. For, while I know I will never forget Wyatt, it means so much to know that he has touched other lives as well. And while he rejoices in Heaven his name will continue to be spoken here on earth. His life, though short, was great. Impactful. Meaningful. And missed. Thank you sweet friends for not only providing a way for his name to be read over and over, but for acknowledging him and his life on that special day. It means more to me than you will ever know. I love you all!

I'm back!

2010-03-02T11:04:00.000-08:00

I'm back! Ryan and I decided about a week ago it was time to get away. So, we took a long weekend to Utah to go skiing. It was so nice. Nice to get away...nice to be somewhere new....and nice to just be with Ryan. We had a wonderful time...even though I am not the best on skis :) and did I mention I have a serious fear of heights?! I am just so glad I am married a good guy....a good guy with lots of patience! He never rushed me down the mountain or pushed my comfort level...THANK YOU! Everyone kept telling us we needed to get away...and we did...but I am so glad we went when we did. It's hard to describe, but you have to go when you're ready....and I don't think we were ready until now. We just couldn't pick up and leave our emotions and pain at home...so we had to wait and go when we thought we could let down and still enjoy ourselves. Which we did. I can't say that I didn't think of Wyatt constantly...especially as I watched the cute little kids fearlessly flying down the mountain or as we walked past all of the families with little ones bundled up....but I was able to be ok which is what we had to wait for. I wish we could just pick up and leave our grief behind...but then again, I might never come back if that was the case :)
I'll be sure to post a few pictures from our trip!

Right now I am still trying to warm back up to being home alone. It's odd how we were only away five days but I have to readjust to a quiet house. I realize Wyatt never got to come home with us, but for some reason the quiet can be so painful. I just expect noise and crying and a baby to take care of. It's like I was telling a friend the other day it is so weird that we only had five weeks with him...but we will never be "normal" without him. Ryan and I have almost been married for seven years and up until we had Wyatt we were satisfied with just each other....and yet we can't seem to find contentment again. Not with each other, but with the whole we feel in our hearts. There is obviously something missing and our lives can't and won't return to the way things used to be. And while this sounds terrible, I have to say, I am glad. I don't want to return to life as if everything is normal....it is not. But also, it makes me think...think about God's plans for us. I really feel as though He is trying to tell me just be still because He can and will restore us. Maybe not on my time schedule, but He loves us so much that He will not leave our hearts bleeding here....He will restore us and make us whole again. Oh thank you God! In Bible study this morning we talked about how trust comes before something happens while thanks comes after something happens. As I sit here, I realize that I have to put my trust in God and His plans for us....which is right where I want to be...trusting Him. Not merely thanking Him after I get what I want. We also talked about it is inherit to have a longing while waiting for something...otherwise is not a wait. How true. I will certainly remember this as I wait on the Lord to restore and heal us...for I am certain HE WILL.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him."

Isa. 30:18

a wearing week

2010-02-23T18:41:00.000-08:00

Whew, what a week. I am exhausted and it has just begun. Right now I don't even know where to begin. I feel as though I am about to just break down, but I also feel so thankful at the same time. I am just glad we have made it through this past week. As you know, Wyatt would have been six months old on Thursday. It is so hard to believe! The pain is still so fresh. Saturday was my birthday...well mine, my sisters, and my dads. I am so thankful we all share this day. And so thankful we could all celebrate together. I have to admit, Saturday was really rough. I woke up crying and didn't feel as though I had the strength to get out of bed. This is really the first time I have truly felt like I couldn't make myself get up. I am so glad it is over. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss Wyatt...and even more on my birthday. And then there is today...the day 5 months ago that we so unexpectedly were forced to say our last goodbyes. I am glad for an emotional break for a while. Not that I think I won't have hard days, but at least a break from more firsts we will never have with him. Thank you all for your continued prayers and support!

6 months

2010-02-18T05:55:00.000-08:00

Today I am really trying to relish sweet memories and celebrate that six months ago, God blessed us with the most amazing gift. A gift that has changed our lives forever. Love you Wyatt!

I hear ya!

2010-02-16T14:13:00.001-08:00

So, I went to Bible study this morning feeling pretty good...I've recognized that while I feel pretty good...there is always so much under the surface. So, while I am looking like I'm doing great on the outside and I've convinced myself of this as well...it doesn't take much to bring all of my many emotions to the surface. I have also realized that there is such a fine line between shedding tears and loosing control. Well, I think God was really wanting me to ride that fine line today :) and He just wanted to use Beth Moore to yell out at me. Well, she didn't yell, but she might of as well had. I was just sitting there thinking ok God...seriously! I hear you! Loud and clear. Just please don't "make" me loose control here...in front of all of these people. Who I am sure already think I am unstable to begin with. For some reason, being in church or in Bible Study really brings my feelings closer to the surface and harder to hide. So, while I tried to keep it together and just shed some tears...not loose control...because there would be NO going back after that....I heard what God had to say to me...I really listened. And while yes, I wanted so badly to just lay on the floor and let it all out...God had such comforting words to say. Our focus for our lesson today was how Esther moved from self-preservation to brave determination. Well, I can totally see how I might apply this to our situation...but this probably would not have left me bawling in front of LOTS of women. It probably wasn't until we got to the second point of the lesson...first she had a choice...and secondly, Esther faced the fear, that I realized God was talking and that I was to lisen. As I sat there, I was thinking how does this apply to me...heck, I've already lost a child...what else is there to fear....and then she made us look at a sentence in our workbook that read: and if ________, then ________. We were told not to fill this out but really think. And like I said, I thought well I guess one of my largest fears has already come true...I'm just living it out now. And then it hit me. I have HUGE fears. I've known this, but even though we are surviving a deep fear...I still fear not being able to be mom...ever....what if I loose another child...what if...what if....what if...the list could go on and on. And so as I sat there and cried and faced these fears Beth kept saying and then what....and then what....ok...so I've lost my baby, I have felt the weight of my baby in my arms while his soul was resting peacefully with His maker, I have buried my baby....my only child...I have chosen a cemetery and a specific plot for his body to rest, I have met with funeral directors, I have picked out flowers to lay upon his casket, I have stood over his grave and wept, I have cried countless tears...and then what....I pick myself up and keep going. Not without a HUGE hole in my heart....but nonetheless, I keep putting one foot in front of the other...every single day. And so while I think of this I continue to think and then what.....I keep living and relying on God.That's what. That is ALL I can do. And how thankful I am that everyday as I force myself out of bed or at night as I lay myself down to sleep, my Father in Heaven is looking down on me and saying "I will take care of you." He tells me that I am not to have conditional faith, but I am to face my fear and trust HIM. The most frequent command in the Bible is "do not be afraid." Not "do not sin"....DO NOT BE AFRAID. I feel so blessed to be loved by a Father who wants me to feel and be secure. Hebrews 2:14-15 says, "By embracing death, taking it into himself, he destroyed the Devils hold on death and freed all who cower through this life, scared to death of death." So while I fear death...death of loved ones...I will hold tight to John 10:10 "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they have life, and have it to the full." It is impossible to have abundant life if we live in fear of death. You cannot truly live if we are living in such fear. As Beth would say, death is not my destiny. So watch out! There is a lot of living left to do....and while there are days and while there will continue to be days that my fear overwhelms me...I will take courage in knowing that when I put my trust in God, I can STILL live an abundant life. What a blessing!

Whew, I almost want to shout "Amen" after all that :) While I am sure the girls in Bible study think I am on the edge of crazy...I am finding that I just on the edge of what God is trying to teach me and just beginning my journey to my destiny.

Love you

2010-02-14T11:47:00.000-08:00

Today I just want to say "I love you" to all of you out there who have been so sweet to read this blog...which I am sure can be depressing at times....to those of you who remember us in your prayers, and to those of you who have allowed God to use you in our lives. I know Ryan and I would not be making it if it weren't for the love offerings you have made. Thank you! While I am really missing Wyatt today, I feel so loved. And I am so thankful that despite the pain, I can feel the warmth of your arms. I pray that you all feel loved today as well...that your cup runneth over. May the love, joy, and blessings that you have brought to us be returned on this day. Thank you again for your support, your sweet words, and for taking the time to care about us. I love you!

"I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

I have set the Lord always before me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken."

Psalm 16:7-8

fear

2010-02-12T08:35:00.000-08:00

Talking to a friend the other day, I voiced how our grief comes in waves. We are yet to experience true freedom from our grief, but there have been times of rest. At this time, I am experiencing some rest...but feel the grief creeping upon me. It is heavy, strong, and relentless. As I know we are approaching Wyatt's six month birthday I can't help but be flooded with thoughts about what he would look like and how he should almost be sitting up. Time has stood still here and I just want his little 7 lb. body back in my arms. I want to re-live these past six months with him here. I want so badly to watch him grow up and reach each of these milestones. Yet, I am here, just imaging what it would be like...what life should be like. There is a song by Steven Curtis Chapman that talks about how this isn't the way it could have been or should have been...but that this is the way it is. That song plays constantly in my mind...as I feel that this is not the way it could have been....but this is the way it is.
As I was doing my Bible study yesterday, I was reading about fear. While this is something that I will have to continuously fight, with God's help, I understand that I have to let Him bring me to a place where I trust Him...completely. There are brief moments that I am overcome with this peace...but there are certainly times my human nature allows me to experience pure fear. The study I am doing talked about how it is natural for us to plead for God to protect us from terrible things. And that when our fears become our reality we feel forsaken. This really makes me think...think about how we begged and pleaded for God to spare Wyatt's life and how our deepest fear became our reality. How it has made me question prayer and truly made me analyze my faith...but all of this analyzing and questioning has allowed my faith to grow deeper and stronger. I realize that I am not in control. That my life is not layed out the way I had planned...that to survive all of this...I have to trust God...alone. As I grieve, I often remind myself that God does not want to hurt his children. That there is redemption and fulfillment in living a life that honors our God our Savior. I look forward to this day.

Our Father's hands

2010-02-06T12:42:00.001-08:00

I know it is my turn to embarrass myself, but I'll have to put that off :) I just can't help but share from my day today. God has truly shown himself throughout these past months and it is so encouraging to really reflect on His awesomeness. While there is so much to say about what He has done, I don't really even know how or where to start.

To begin, I had to have c-section...not planned, but hey this was just the beginning of God teaching a "planner" to let go. I know this may not seem like a big deal, but I totally believe God had a reason for all of this...when Wyatt was born we did not know he had a heart defect. In fact, he had a very strong heartbeat in my womb and besides missing it on the ultrasound there was no other way to know of his condition. To make a long story a little shorter, I was induced the day after his due date...August 18th. I went all day on petocin and never made any progress...I'm not sure I even dilated past a one. Yikes! So, around six that evening we decided to have a c-section. I often wonder if Wyatt would have even made it through labor had we not. He never appeared sick or fragile (well maybe a little with all his tubes in the NICU and CVICU...but never puny) but I can't help but think God was just buying us time with him. I am just forever thankful that God had other plans...plans for us to spend time with our little boy.

Our next blessings presented themselves at Children's. We had the most wonderful and caring doctors and nurses. Friends and friends of friends had called people they knew that worked there...and we were surrounded by people who knew us or knew of us. Which I have to admit, was extremely comforting. We were unable to hold Wyatt in the NICU due to all of his tubes and the risk of moving him...however, the night before his surgery, God placed Wyatt in the care of a nurse who had attended the same high school as us. She had watched over Wyatt a lot that week. In fact, she was with him and with Ryan the day I arrived...I can't even begin to tell you comforting that was! But the night before surgery, she allowed/insisted that Ryan and I hold our precious baby. We had only held him for a short time after he was born since he was born so late and then taken in the middle of the night. So, I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful it was to not only hold him in our arms, but hold him before his surgery. Thank you God for placing us in the care of such a wonderful nurse!

Obviously, there is so much more...such as his successful surgery and success in recovery. But to lead up to the purpose of my post, I have to tell you that last February I took pictures of a little boy who was also diagnosed with a congenital heart defect soon after his birth. This sweet little boy was the poster child for the American Heart Association's Heart Gala last year. His mom was a teacher, as was I. So, I while I did not really know her, I knew of her and had met her through several friends. I was very interested in their family and their story and truly honored to take pictures of this handsome little boy. I also ended up taking family pictures of them in the summer before I had Wyatt. Well, as soon as she heard about Wyatt and his condition she was sending us texts and calling us in Little Rock to check in on us and offer support...as she had walked down the same halls, sat in the same waiting rooms, and lived in the same hospital as us. She knew the road we were traveling and the weight we carried as we fought for our child's life. I remember walking in the hospital one evening and receiving a text from her asking if we had met a particular nurse. What were the odds? He was our nurse that evening! I remember being so relieved as she told me how much they loved him...it always made me nervous when we would be assigned new nurses...you just get used to them and it is so hard to leave your child's life in someone else's hands...anyways, she continued to call and text throughout our stay in Little Rock. And since we have been back, Ryan and I have gone to eat with her and her husband and had the chance to get to know each other better. Which I am so thankful for! She has been volunteering for the American Heart Association...as this is close to her heart...so another long story a little shorter....She gave my name to the Heart Association here and I was able to volunteer to take pictures this morning of all of the sweethearts for the Heart Gala this coming May. The girls looked absolutely beautiful and their pictures will be in a local magazine. They will also be recognized at the gala in May. Ryan and I are planing on attending the gala with our new friends...the parents of last year's poster child....we absolutely cannot wait! So, today was a good day...a day to give back and be thankful. Thankful for the way God has been wrapping His loving arms around us and thankful for the way He continues to work and show himself in our lives. I feel so honored to have been able to help today and to be so loved from our Father in Heaven...to see that He never takes His eyes or hands off of us.

going red!

2010-02-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

Ok so this isn't about shoes...although I love them...today is about something much more important! Today is National wear red day to draw attention to heart disease and support the American Heart Association. It is hard to believe, but one in three people will be affected by Heart Disease. I know that at times, we all feel invincible...and I will admit that I long for that feeling again, but while I have lived a wonderful life, two of my family members have been diagnosed with some shape or form of heart disease or congenital heart defect. My dad had quadruple bypass only a few years ago and then Wyatt who was born with double outlet right ventricle with pulmonary and mitral artersia. While the victims in my family have both been male, a staggering 430,000 women are silenced each year by cardiovascular disease. And most of these deaths are preventable. So, today we are wearing red to honor these women...these mothers, daughters, aunts, grandmothers, and sisters... and promote awareness.

Grayson

2010-02-04T12:23:00.000-08:00

Such exciting news...Grayson Pelham Farmer has made his arrival (he belongs to my dear friend Kristi I wrote about in another post)! I'm so excited...he is such a beautiful little boy...and he is a healthy 7 lbs 3 oz...just like his buddy Wyatt. I wish Wyatt was here to meet him. Love you both!

my sweet husband

2010-02-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Well...it has been a very busy couple of days. Ryan and I are doing are our very best to stay busy right now. Winter is not my favorite season to begin with, but being stuck inside and empty handed is down right painful. So, to my advantage, we worked on my "office" this weekend. New paint and a new arrangement and we are set. I have to say it looks so much better. It is not finished, but it is on its way. I am so thankful for a handy husband...who is willing to use his handiness! He is truly amazing. I feel so blessed to be married to him. I know that the magnitude of what we are going through can be devastating to a relationship...and I totally see how it could be....but Ryan and I are making our way through this together. And I am ever so thankful! I would never want to live life with out my son and husband. What a dreadful thought. He still makes me smile, laugh, and continue living.

And speaking of smiling and laughing...I haven't shared some of our humorous stories while we were at Children's...hard to believe...but we laughed a lot there too. My favorite memory is a funny story about Ryan. I totally embarrassed my self while we were there... but it is so much more fun to tell you about his embarrassing moment...maybe because he NEVER does anything stupid. Or at least, other people think that. Anyways, I pumped the entire time we were there. I had to store my milk in the NICU which was on the 3rd floor. We were living on the 4th. Not real convenient. At night, they would let me store my milk in the unit across the hall. Close, but still out of our unit and across the hall. I am one of those who refuses to walk around in pajamas in front of strangers. So, you can only imagine how annoying it was to pump and then get up, get dressed, and head to the refrigerator in the unit across the hall...and yes there were lots of nurses and doctors in the other unit. One night, we were getting ready for bed and I had just pumped. So sweet Ryan offered to take the milk across the hall. Of course, I let him. When he walked back in the room I told him thank you and just happend to turn around and catch a glimpse of something white...hmmm....he had toilet paper hanging from the wasteband of his shorts. I, sure there was a really good reason for this that I just hadn't thought of, asked him why he had toilet paper hanging from his shorts. Much to my surprise, he didn't know it was there. I can't even begin to tell you how hard I laughed. I will spare you the details....really for his sake....but we'll just say the bathrooms gave us the creeps so the toilet paper had been protection if you will. It had just gotten caught in his pants when he stood up. I just love envisioning him walking through the units while this toilet paper floated behind him. And better yet, it wasn't even on purpose! I am so thankful for a husband who occasionally embarrasses himself. It is nice not to be alone!

thanks jess!

2010-01-28T12:35:00.000-08:00

I never respond to comments...even though I ALWAYS read them (over and over)...but I just had to today. Thanks so much Jessica! This thought had never come to mind and it really made my day. Thank you for reminding me that I was enough. There are certainly days I wish I could have been more for him. In fact, the day Wyatt passed away, I remember standing outside our door while they x-rayed his stomach and just crying. Not because I was scared at that moment...or because I couldn't take any more...but because I wanted to be enough for our little guy. I did not want to have to depend on anyone to take care of him. I simply wanted to do it....all by myself. But, you are right Jess, for a time, I was able to take care of my little man all by myself. What a satisfying thought! I will treasure this forever.

unnoticed

2010-01-27T19:42:00.000-08:00

Today as I was driving around running errands I began thinking...thinking about my friends and how truly wonderful they are. I feel so incredibly blessed to have friends who are still taking care of us...4 months later. I want each of you to know that it does not go unnoticed.

I often think of my time running or decorating :) with Amelia. And how she just lets me vent. Believe me, I know I go on and on and on. I even get tired of hearing myself talk. I can't imagine what she is thinking. But what a super friend to just let me talk her ear off...all the time. There are days I don't think I have much to say and then an hour later I am still going strong. I feel so blessed to have a friend with such a sensitive heart and open ears.

I think of Leslie who is by far the most wonderful sister in the world...the way she calls me several times a day to make sure I am doing ok, or texts me every morning to say hello, or how she is constantly sending me bible verses, or offering to come over and distract me for a while...I wonder how she ever gets any work done...for she is always worrying about me. Even when there is no need. I am so thankful for a sister who loves me more than I love myself at times.

I think of Kristi and the messages she sends me, the way she sits and lets me cry when I need to, the little cake she brought over to celebrate Wyatt with us, the way she was at our door within the hour we arrived back home and has continued to show up at our door, the way she encourages me and is on my side. I know she has a little one on the way and is so very excited as she very well should be....but I am so grateful that she has let me be excited with her and yet still so understanding of where I am. What a blessing to have a friend with such an empathetic heart and open arms.

Words cannot express how truly thankful I am for friends like these. I laugh at times and try to remind myself to be more cautious...I think at times I accidentally make it all about me...and while these friends have totally let me...I am totally aware that it is not all about me. So, thank you sweet friends for everything. For picking me up, holding me up, and for being the best friends and listeners I could ever ask for. I am truly blessed...and trust me it doesn't go unnoticed! I love you!

this picture is obviously from right before I had Wyatt...I think we were both begging him to come out. We were so anxious to meet him!

a busy week

2010-01-24T11:01:00.000-08:00

Well, I am sorry I haven't posted in a while. To be honest, I have started several posts and then just stopped. This past week has been very difficult. My heart has been very still. I have been dealing with each day as it comes...and to be honest, this is tiring. I did have a very busy week...I had an in service at school, bible study, dinner with friends two nights, lunch with a friend one afternoon, a "coffee date" with another friend Katie (http://therowefam.blogspot.com/) who also lost her baby, a meeting with someone from the heart association, pictures, and then a night out with friends. Whew, I think that covers it. And now that I write this, I realize God has been more present than I thought. While I have felt very alone this past week....He has most certainly been with me....keeping me busy and using friends to support me. It's funny how you don't notice these things until you sit down and begin writing. Yesterday was four months since the dreadful night we heard Wyatt had not made it through his emergency surgery. I think of this night often, but the past few days it has flooded my thoughts. I so badly want to go back and hear the doctors telling us he is in recovery waiting to see us. Instead, I remember the pain and shock of hearing that Wyatt had not made it. I need God's transparency more than ever right now. I know this is not something I am guaranteed or may ever know...but my heart cries out "why?" Why our little boy? Why now? I keep reminding myself that God has a purpose and His will will be done even if it was not part of His plan to bring Wyatt home so soon. There are so many questions left unanswered...but thankfully the most important one is answered...where God are you? "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit"...Psalm 34: 18 I am so thankful for a God who does not abandon us or leave us to our suffering. Although He cannot remove this pain from our lives...for it is part of our journey and His plan....He can and will restore us, bring joy back into our lives, and use our history to build our destiny. I am thankful for a God who does not waste our history or our pain.

five months

2010-01-18T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today Wyatt would be five months old. Wow! I can't even imagine what he would be doing at this point. I wish so badly that I knew. I miss him more than ever...but am ever so thankful that this little miracle arrived here on earth to bless us with his presence five months ago. What I would give to go back to August 18th...although I do not think I could handle the pain of this all over again. I love you sweet Wyatt!

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in Spirit."

Psalm 34:18

today

2010-01-17T17:50:00.001-08:00

Today has been a little rough to be completely honest...but we are surviving. I just keep remembering all of the uplifting messages that were sent our way last week. It was truly amazing. I guess God knew tough times were coming and He worked through you to help prepare us. So, thank you for listening to your hearts and reaching out to us. Thank you for all of the emails, the comments, texts, the letters, cards, and books. Please know that all of it is truly helpful and healing. Thank you for allowing God to work through you to wrap His arms around us. I feel so blessed to be in the presence of people who allow God's work to be done through them.

I just had to add this picture...it makes me smile. Avery was just hanging out in Wyatt's room with me the other day. I really love her :)

sweet sweet song

2010-01-15T09:53:00.000-08:00

My heart is so full. I can't help but cry tears of thankfulness for lately I have truly felt God working in my life in some very powerful ways. I'm sure He is always working...for He has a lot of work to do :)....but I love how transparent He is being right at this very moment...and how open my heart and eyes are to His good works. The past few days have been filled with phone calls and emails that have all had something to do with Wyatt...which I love. It fills me with joy to still have something 'to do with him' even though he is physically out of my reach. Some of the messages have been very healing and I know God has intentionally placed me in the presence of a few wonderful people. I am anxious to see what He does with my heart in these very places. Thank you God for being so intentional!

I received a package Wednesday afternoon. I was so excited for I thought it was a new fun strap for my camera...I broke into the box not even realizing that it was addressed to both Ryan and I....for I should have known it was not my camera strap. As I opened the box, I found a card and this beautiful angel. I just burst into tears. One of Wyatt's nurses...she was there the night he passed away....had sent this. It is so perfect. It reminds me of so many things....holding Wyatt, how he is being taken care of...still, and of the wonderful nurse who would hold him lovingly in her arms as she sang the Revelation song to him. Her voice is truly incredible. Truly. It is so soft, gentle, and angelic. Wyatt LOVED to hear her sing. My mom and I would laugh when he would get upset and say we needed to go find this nurse to sing to him. I am sure he is singing in Heaven now. Praising His Father and singing for all to hear. I cannot wait to hear his sweet voice.

As I was trying to find a place to take a picture, I went into Wyatt's room. I placed her on the floor and took a picture. As I was looking at it, I thought how perfect this appears. A guardian...a mother....a nurse....holding a baby.....surrounded by darkness. There is such a beautiful light on her and the baby it reminds me to have hope...even though I am surrounded by darkness. Once again, I am humbly reminded of God's presence in Wyatt's life. Of the way he has touched so many of us. I am so thankful that his nurse is still remembering us and what it felt like to hold our precious son in her arms. I know that many children have been in and out of her care since we left September 23rd...but it speaks volumes to a mother's heart that we are still being thought of. Thank you.

a new journey

2010-01-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

Well, today I am starting a new journey. A journey through the book of Esther. And I cannot even begin to tell you how excited I am. I KNOW that God is placing me right where I need to be. Hallelujah! It all started with the group lesson. As the speaker was telling us that God's name is not directly mentioned in this book and how this does not mean that God is not present. That there is as much to learn about God in a place where He does not make himself obvious as in a place where He does. That there are times God works through miracles...but there are times God works through individuals and the natural. So, as you can imagine, after hearing this I was already in tears by the time we broke to small groups. Thank goodness God placed me in a group of the most amazing women....I can already tell :) I didn't really know the women in there, but knew a couple of them through a very close mutual friend. I had been nervous for a few days before today about meeting my small group. So funny...I know... I love meeting new people and making new friends, but I KNEW we would have to go around and introduce ourselves and that inevitably everyone would be telling the group about their children. So, of course as soon as the first person started I was already in tears. Which I am sure scared them to death! Well, I made it through my turn and of course told them I had a son in August who went to be with our Lord in September. It still kills me every time I have to say those words. Simply kills me. But, I made it through. And I have to say, I just know that God has placed me with this wonderful group of women for a reason...just as He placed me in this study....and is guiding me through this journey. I absolutely love it when I can feel His presence and His word so clearly. Thank you God for holding me tight when I need it most. Thank you for working through my friends to bring me peace and uplift me when I am too weak. Thank you God for loving me despite my emotions...through all of my ups and through all of my downs. Thank you God for never leaving my side...even when I think you have.

there will be a day

2010-01-08T11:47:00.001-08:00

Today is one of those days I feel as though my world is standing still and everyone elses is continuing to spin as though it should. I have had a good past few days, but am feeling very still today. I know the lives of many of my dear friends are about to change, but ours is not. The grief does not go away. I am so thankful for my friend's blessings, but feel more and more alone as I wonder why Wyatt cannot be here. Ryan and I wanted a child so badly. We hoped and prayed for Wyatt...before he came...and certainly after his arrival...as I know these friends are doing as they await their little ones. This sounds so terrible, but I wonder why their prayers are answered and ours were not. This is certainly a time I need to be able to see not through my own eyes, but through God's. I know He has a plan for us and that His will will be done...even through Wyatt's death...but the hurt of it all is almost unbearable. I walked in Wyatt's room and picked up the first verse I saw. It was Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." Thank you God! I will try to focus more on our future than our past and even our present. For I find hope and healing in tomorrow and the pain of our past and present is still so fresh and raw. I often think of a song we played for Wyatt while he was in the hospital... There will be a day by Jeremy Camp. How true that song was for Wyatt and yet still for us. It brings tears to my eyes to hear it still. How I look forward to that day.

a little surprise

2010-01-04T06:47:00.000-08:00

Ryan just found this little video on his phone the other day. We had totally forgotten about it and just randomly came across it. How special to see our little Wyatt looking around...oh how I miss him! This was taken a few days after his surgery while he was in CVICU. We were so excited to see his eyes open and him looking around. He had been on so much medication that he really didn't open his eyes much for the first week of his life. There isn't much to the video, but I love remembering him with his eyes open and full of life.

through the eyes of a child

2010-01-03T12:21:00.000-08:00

Ryan and I have often talked and laughed about the heart of a child...just how wonderfully simple it is. As we face each day and new situations we often wish adults were as simple and honest as children. There are no filters and right now that is so refreshing. They are not afraid to ask questions or simply say it like it is. Our nephew colored this picture during Wyatt's service. It is so perfect...him holding Wyatt's hand. What sweet happiness it brings me to think of the two of them holding hands. I know Wyatt is looking down on his little cousins anxious to play. I so hope that I too can be as open and simple as a child as I face each new day. Life does not have to be complex and difficult. We do not need to hide our pasts, no matter what has happened. I want to accept the people around me for what they are...people. No strings attached. I want to love abundantly and see each day in a different light. I want to let go of the fear of that can keep me from comforting others in pain. I want to live again through the eyes of a child. Life is still wonderfully sweet even through the suffering.

ok not to be ok

2009-12-31T14:53:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other day about how I just wish we could wake up and just be 'normal' again. Well, to be honest, this thought passes through my mind several times each day. And I started thinking about our friends and how painful it must be to watch us suffer from the outside... I am sure that they must get so tired of us and our needs. I know we are very needy at this time :) I am totally aware that we are not a whole lot of fun right now. But, thinking about this really made me thankful. Thankful for our friends who are still here...here supporting us and loving on us. I am sure they want the "old" Ryan and Jessica back.....probably as much as we wish we were back. And while I am slowly seeing us "come back," I am so thankful for friends who love us anyways and who are waiting patiently for us. Please just keep waiting....we will be back....and hopefully better than before :)

While I was reading the other night, I came across something that really struck me. I think I want so badly to be ok...I can forget that is ok not to be ok. God does not expect me to pick up and keep moving. I loved that Beth Moore wrote that "God does not minimize the things that break our hearts." Jesus walked the earth and suffered here as we do. He wept and cried for the loss of his friend Lazarus. He truly felt the pain of a broken heart due to death and loss. How comforting to know that He has been here and felt these emotions. He truly knows our hearts. I also loved that Beth Moore wrote that "if we're so 'heavenly minded' that we grow out of touch with earthly hardships, somewhere we've missed an important priority of Christ. God left our bare feet on the hot pavement of earth so we could grow through our hurts, not ignore and refuse to feel our way through them." Amen to that! I am ever so thankful that God does not expect me to be ok. That He does not think that due to my faith, I should not allow myself to feel this pain. I know I will see Wyatt again in Heaven...and how thankful I am! But God knows that I will feel the pain of his death even though I believe in eternity. My faith brings me hope and healing, but it does not take away my pain. It is not a band-aid...my wounds cannot be covered to heal on their own. My wounds are deep and they will leave a scar...but with much care they will heal. Heal to a point that I can live again among the living. And I will learn from this pain. Wyatt's life will not be lost in vain. I have faith that good is and will come from this. I cannot pretend that this not a painful place....but I cannot ignore that even if it was not God's will for Wyatt to leave this earth so soon....He did allow it....and there is gain for Jesus' sake if we will allow His life to be revealed in us. So while I feel my way around this pain and grief, I pray that God will continue to help me to grow through these hurts.

"For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake,

so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body."

2 Corinthians 4:11

Christmas

2009-12-31T14:28:00.000-08:00

Well, we survived Christmas. I can't say there was much of a celebration, but we survived and today that is worth celebrating. Ryan, Avery, and I did go visit Wyatt. This was Avery's first time to go visit him. I am so glad we brought her! She was so happy (as always) and while it was hard to make that trip on Christmas day, she definitely made me laugh and smile. She loves the snow...so it was fun to watch her roll around and enjoy herself. I have no regrets for the way we spent Christmas this year, I am just looking forward to a lot of celebrating next year!

Mom has been up here since the day after Christmas. I am so blessed to have family that will drop everything and attend to my needs at this difficult time. I was so worried about the week after Christmas and how I would be doing that asked her to come hang out with me and keep me company. There seems to be such a let down after big holidays and events that the days following are usually more difficult than the actual days themselves. So, we have just been running around staying busy. Just what I needed!

Thanks mom! I love you!

3 months

2009-12-23T15:39:00.000-08:00

It has been 3 months today since I last saw Wyatt's sweet face or held him close. If feels like eternity. I miss him. Really miss him. But, I am ever so thankful for his life and the time we had with him. As I have said, I wouldn't change anything...even if I knew he would not be here in my arms today. He was such a breath of fresh air. Truly a gift from above. So, while today is painful, I remember him with a smile on my face. I remember him the way he was...spunky and full of life. He has truly blessed my life and has touched it in such an undeniable way. How I praise our Father for blessing me with this gift. Love you Wyatt! Happy three months in Heaven!

In the arm's of an angel

2009-12-22T10:31:00.000-08:00

As Christmas approaches, I know Ryan and I are growing more anxious. I am sure we will survive just as we survive every other day. There just seems to be so much build up before the holidays or even just big get togethers. You begin to dread that day, while deep down, I know it is no different than any other day... It is just the thoughts that we let rob of us of our joy. Thoughts about how this day "should be." As a mom, you fantasize about your firsts with your child. And yes, I had expectations for Christmas...expectations and dreams that will never be met. But, we will survive. It just may not be the way we had envisioned, hoped, or prayed for. Instead of celebrating and holding Wyatt in my arms, we will be thinking of our son and longing for him even more. We will be visiting the cemetery and holding our breathes....counting down until the day is over and has passed...only to survive another of firsts we will never experience. And while I write this, I don't want to sound cynical...it is just honest. This is hard. I find hope in knowing that while we are suffering, Wyatt is not. I know he is happy and could not be in a better place. I know that God is and will carry us through all of this and through all of these emotions. It is just hard to get through the build up we create and the excitement that society invests in a single day. I want to celebrate Christmas for what it is....the birthday of our Savior. For I am truly THANKFUL for the true meaning of Christmas.

One of my very best friends from high school painted this picture for us. It is breath-taking. I just know that it is a picture of Heaven...our little boy in the arms of an angel. How great thou art. How great thou art!

I love you Wyatt!

lesson three

2009-12-21T13:15:00.000-08:00

I know that everything comes in God's perfect timing...such as today's lesson. The third thing we learn here in the depths is to hope. And I can certainly testify to this. At times, hope is the only thing I can hold on to. The comforting thoughts or feelings I experience come from my hope or confidence that God will see us through. He will not and has not abandoned us. I have hope for our future and for our healing and that alone is my driving force.