high heels

so i guess it is my turn. i have put it off long enough :) most of you who know me well...or even really at all...know i am big fan of heels...it is not a secret. they are usually on my feet. that is except in the summer when i am able to wear sandals and flip flops. so i guess it will not surprise most of you if i told you that i wore my wedges a lot while we were at Children's. but there is a difference in wedges and high heels. in my defense, our trip to little rock was unexpected and i pretty much had to leave with what i had packed for my original trip to the hospital. which included the shoes i wore to the hospital...my brown wedges. don't think i hadn't thought that through...i didn't care if i had just had a baby...i was leaving the hospital in style :). which also brings me to the story. while we were in little rock we would occasionally have to do laundry. to be honest, my mom usually did it for us so we could stay with wyatt and not miss out on time with him. but occasionally, i needed out. a little fresh air and time to re-group, refresh, and re-energize. one afternoon, when ryan returned from work, i decided i would slip out and go tackle some laundry at my parent's house. maybe even get in a good shower if i had the energy. so, i packed up our dirty laundry and a few odds and ends and left. well, i wasn't ten feet out of our door when i totally busted it. flat on my back. thankfully, no one was around expect for the sweet janitor who was mopping the floor. she of course ran over to help me up and see if i was ok. about this time i turned around and ryan was standing in our door just laughing. apparently, the fall had been really loud ( i did have a lot of milk bottles in my bag as well). i was totally fine...a little embarrassed, but not hurt. thank goodness! another nurse came over and they continued to quiz me and insist that i see a doctor or get checked out. ha! NO WAY! i insisted that i was fine. i told them my pride was a little hurt, but that i was good to go. i quickly made my way to the car and tried to disappear for a while...hoping no one would remember the incident later. about an hour into laundry, i got a phone call. it was ryan . i just knew he was calling to make fun of me. let's just say, he is totally used to me running into walls and falling. as i answered the phone, i could hear him laughing on the other end. i of course, was laughing with him and then he said he needed my driver's license number. i could not figure out why in the world he would need my driver's license number...so i asked, and he told me they were having to file and accident report. i kid you not! i totally thought ryan was trying to pull a fast one on me and i refused to give in. but then i could hear two of our sweet nurses laughing in the background and telling me he was telling the truth. i reluctantly gave him my drivers license number and hung up. slightly embarrassed. when i returned to the hospital, ryan was so excited to show me the report and told me that he had requested a copy of it. ha! i began reading the report, and i could not stop laughing...first of all, it did not mention that the floors were soaking wet. and then it went on to say that my arms were full and that i was carrying lots of heavy bags (which was true) and that i was wearing high heels. it said i had gotten up quickly, resisted medical attention, and left rather fast. ok...yes, my hands were full, yes i had told them i was fine, but seriously?! high heels :) they were wedges. not quite as risky as high heels. oh it makes me laugh every time i think of this story and hearing two of favorite nurses laughing in the background. i know they all thought we were crazy there...ryan walking around with toilet paper flowing from this pants, me running around the hospital in "high heels." what a sight!

a little sunshine

i am so looking forward to a warmer week. the sunshine doesn't always make me feel better, but the rain and clouds definitely make some days worse. so, i decided to brighten up the blog a little too :) talk to you soon!

why

Lately I can't seem to get all of the questions out of my mind...all of the whys...Why Wyatt? Why us? Why did this happen after he fought so hard to live? Why?! Why can't I have my son here with me...with us?! Why do we have to endure so much and then so much more? I even go so far as tell God that it isn't fair...and I mean it. Really mean it. And while these thoughts were pouring over me this morning, God answered. Not like I wanted Him to, but gently as only He can. He reminded me that it is not all about me. All though I do tease with Ryan and tell him it is all about me...I know it is not. I can't tell you the number of people who have asked me the same thing. Telling us that we are such good parents and that it just doesn't make sense. Going on to tell us that some parents just shut down when they hear that something is "wrong" with their baby and distance themselves...but we did not. We loved harder. Even though it doesn't really make sense to me, I know that God keeps telling me that it isn't about me...it is all about HIM and HIS plans. His plans to prosper us and not to harm us. His plans to use Wyatt's life to touch the lives of many here on earth. His plans to enrich us and remind us of His faithfulness. So while I don't ususally notice these things amidst the pain, there are brief moments that I do. Brief moments that He dries my tears and quietly tells me it is not about you...it is about me. What great things You have accomplished through Wyatt's short life. What peace I can find in trusting You alone. Thank you God for allowing me to be a part of this great work here on earth.

update

I don't even know where to begin today...it has been overwhelming in so many ways. Both happy and sad. Thank you so much for the sweet texts and messages today just letting us know you are thinking of us. I am truly touched...and amazed that our friends continue to think of us and show us support on days like today. I don't know how you remember such dates...but thank you for remembering. It means the world to me! Happy 6 months in Heaven sweet baby boy!

So here's an update on the canvas :) I really wanted to get a picture of Bek hosing it down...but it was COLD and rainy and I felt like maybe I should help and not just take pictures :) It's coming along though. I am so excited! So excited!

a better day

Thanks to so many WONDERFUL friends, family, some beautiful weather, and art :) I feel better. Today, my friend Bek came over and we started on "THE CANVAS." Oh I am so excited and thankful. Bek volunteered to help....really teach me and help....design and create the canvas. I am so incredibly thankful for her sweet spirit and tender heart. She is not only a joy to be around but is really helping me make something wonderful. Thank you Bek! You are WONDERFUL! I meant it! I took some pictures today while we worked. It is going to be a step by step process but I am excited already! So here's a few pictures of our progress from today...

I have been reluctant to write. I'm not really sure why. I think it is just because I don't have much to say....let me take that back...I don't have much to say that people want to hear. I try not to write solely about our pain. I don't know if it is because I don't want to "complain" all the time...if I feel like not writing about it makes it less real...or if I sometimes assume the world thinks we should just be ok by now. Not too long ago, I was visiting with someone about the things I have been doing. Just about life in general, when she asked me if I thought I might be expecting too much of myself. I laughed and said yes. But I then followed that with , "but I can't live like this forever." Grief is so hard to explain. It involves so many emotions and thoughts. Thoughts I would never have imagined...in my wildest dreams. I want to be in places that I cannot. It is a battle between being a good friend and looking out for myself. A battle between my desires and my emotions. So, I feel as though I am constantly having to put on a show and look ok from the exterior as I fall apart on the interior. It is exhausting. Yet I am not sure why I feel as though I have to put this pressure on myself. Pressure to appear ok. Maybe it is pride or maybe because I am so fed up with this pain I just want to convince myself we are making it. I don't know. So either way, I am just going to humble myself now and just say it...I am hurting. I am sad and frustrated and worn out. I am tired of living everyday in this amount of pain. Just fed up. So while I don't think anyone expects us to be back to normal...it is makes me feel better to just say we're not. Our loss is huge and is felt everyday of our lives. There are days I can handle the pain better...but there are days I cannot handle anymore of it. Today, I have reached my limit. But during times like these, I am thankful that God hears my cries and surrounds me with me friends. Friends who can handle this grief and who expect nothing more.

no time like the present

As Wyatt and I sat in our room one morning, I happened to glance out of our door to see the doors of CVICU east closed. My heart sank and I immediately began to pray. During our time in CVICU east they had informed us that the doors were always open and we were always welcome. We were also told that if we were to visit and find the doors closed we were not allowed to come in...that in this circumstance a patient was needing immediate attention and visitors would be allowed back in after everything and everyone was ok. So naturally, I began to cry and hold Wyatt a little closer. But as I sat there, I kept telling myself that we were ok. That we had made it to CVICU west or in my mind the "safer side." The we're ok side. And I began to think about God's plan for me. I thought about how Wyatt was doing well and how I just knew that God would not have "allowed" me to quit my job to stay home and take care of Wyatt and then rip him from my arms. There is no way God would allow me to return home without my son....without my new job. By the end of this pep talk I had convinced myself that I knew God's plan and I rested in that false sense of security. And it felt good.
So you can only imagine the sickness that fell over me the evening Wyatt was rushed back to CVICU east to prepare for surgery. We were no longer safe and I was helpless. There was not a thing I could do to help my son but pray....and watch as his fragile life slipped from our hands as the doctors prepared him for his unexpected emergency surgery.
And while this is such a difficult lesson to learn, I have learned something so very important. A lesson I would not have learned any other way. I have learned that while I was sure...sure...I knew God's plan for me. I did not. I still do not. But I do know that He does not waste a single breath. So while, my eyes were focused on our future and where we were going and what God was GOING TO do with us. I forgot to see what He WAS DOING with us.
Numbers 9:23 writes about how the Israelites traveled and camped and God guided them. In my Life Application Bible it goes on to discuss how when you follow God's guidance you are right where you are supposed to be...all the time...whether it is sitting still or moving forward. It also talks of how we often pray for God to show us what He wants us to do next or prepare us for where we are going...but instead, maybe we should ask God "What do you want me to do while I am RIGHT here?" God places us right where we are for a purpose. I have learned that there are a thousand different ways to get to the same location....but God puts me on the path I am on right now to serve a purpose this very day. I hope not to waste a single breath waiting on God to show me where I am going, but spend my time focusing on the now.

box

I almost forgot. I designed and ordered the box through the Dream Album company. They do wonderful work and donate albums to my newest love...the Tiny Sparrow Foundation.

things to come

Not too long ago, I decided I needed a special box to keep all of Wyatt's special items...his bracelets from the hospital...his foot prints....the ear muff from his helicopter ride...and all of the special cards, notes, and letters we have received. I have not thrown ANYTHING away. So, I was in full gear....searching for the perfect box...and I found it! This box is about 8x10. I am so excited to have it. The picture is absolutely perfect...the quality is amazing. I could go on and on...I wish the pictures did it justice! I just had to share!

Also...look what project is about to get started....my work of heart! Oh I cannot wait! I'll keep you posted on how things are going! Avery is obviously excited too...she thinks she has to be in EVERY picture :) Love her!

thank you

Just before Wyatt's six month birthday my sister and a dear friend showed up at my house...I was very surprised to see them...They brought me a sweet card. The card read "thinking of you on the loss of your child" on the outside and "though gone much too soon, your child's life was a beautiful gift that will remain in so many hearts forever" on the inside. There was also a list of about 18 of my sweetest friends names listed inside the card. They had all come together to purchase a seat in the new auditorium or performing arts center where Ryan and I attended high school. Wyatt's name will be placed on a plaque on one of the seats there. Words cannot thank these girls enough. It goes beyond the seat itself....these wonderful friends have truly blessed us with an amazing gift. Not only will our son's name be written for many to see...but the mere gift of acknowledging his life is the greatest gift they could give. For, while I know I will never forget Wyatt, it means so much to know that he has touched other lives as well. And while he rejoices in Heaven his name will continue to be spoken here on earth. His life, though short, was great. Impactful. Meaningful. And missed. Thank you sweet friends for not only providing a way for his name to be read over and over, but for acknowledging him and his life on that special day. It means more to me than you will ever know. I love you all!

I'm back!

I'm back! Ryan and I decided about a week ago it was time to get away. So, we took a long weekend to Utah to go skiing. It was so nice. Nice to get away...nice to be somewhere new....and nice to just be with Ryan. We had a wonderful time...even though I am not the best on skis :) and did I mention I have a serious fear of heights?! I am just so glad I am married a good guy....a good guy with lots of patience! He never rushed me down the mountain or pushed my comfort level...THANK YOU! Everyone kept telling us we needed to get away...and we did...but I am so glad we went when we did. It's hard to describe, but you have to go when you're ready....and I don't think we were ready until now. We just couldn't pick up and leave our emotions and pain at home...so we had to wait and go when we thought we could let down and still enjoy ourselves. Which we did. I can't say that I didn't think of Wyatt constantly...especially as I watched the cute little kids fearlessly flying down the mountain or as we walked past all of the families with little ones bundled up....but I was able to be ok which is what we had to wait for. I wish we could just pick up and leave our grief behind...but then again, I might never come back if that was the case :)
I'll be sure to post a few pictures from our trip!

Right now I am still trying to warm back up to being home alone. It's odd how we were only away five days but I have to readjust to a quiet house. I realize Wyatt never got to come home with us, but for some reason the quiet can be so painful. I just expect noise and crying and a baby to take care of. It's like I was telling a friend the other day it is so weird that we only had five weeks with him...but we will never be "normal" without him. Ryan and I have almost been married for seven years and up until we had Wyatt we were satisfied with just each other....and yet we can't seem to find contentment again. Not with each other, but with the whole we feel in our hearts. There is obviously something missing and our lives can't and won't return to the way things used to be. And while this sounds terrible, I have to say, I am glad. I don't want to return to life as if everything is normal....it is not. But also, it makes me think...think about God's plans for us. I really feel as though He is trying to tell me just be still because He can and will restore us. Maybe not on my time schedule, but He loves us so much that He will not leave our hearts bleeding here....He will restore us and make us whole again. Oh thank you God! In Bible study this morning we talked about how trust comes before something happens while thanks comes after something happens. As I sit here, I realize that I have to put my trust in God and His plans for us....which is right where I want to be...trusting Him. Not merely thanking Him after I get what I want. We also talked about it is inherit to have a longing while waiting for something...otherwise is not a wait. How true. I will certainly remember this as I wait on the Lord to restore and heal us...for I am certain HE WILL.

"Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him."

Isa. 30:18